User blog:Cosmobo/YOUTUBE POOP TRANSRIPTS:THE MCDONALD'S TRAINING VIDEO

Narrator: Welcome aboard. If you're watching this rubbish, then let me be the first to say you are gay! [a rainbow with the words You are gay appears] You've recently been hired in the McDonalds [a spatula, a hat, and a bucket appear in SpongeBobs hands] and this is your first official day of training. SpongeBob: Can I make a Krabby Patty now? Narrator: Yes, make a Krabby Patty. As you can see by this graph... [scene cuts to a giraffe.] [Narrator clears his throat] Giraffe. [A graph is shown. McDonald's is moving up] You have been employed in one of the most unsuccessful restaurants in Bikini Bottom. But it got that way over night... [it is night time] ...because the store closes at 1:00. [scene cuts to picture of Mr. Krabs and McDonald's behind him] No, the story of McDonald's is the story of one man's hard work, perserverance, vision, determination and sweat. [scene zooms in to one of Mr. Krabs armpit] But mostly his vision. [scene cuts to a Krabby Patty sliding to the right and stops on the screen, followed by sparkles] From Humble Beginnings. [scene cuts to a sepia picture of Mr. Krabs as a child, walking up to a soda machine with a quarter on a string wrapped around his hand] You may think that Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, owner and founder of McDonald's Inc., has always been the financial wizard he is today. [Mr. Krabs puts in his quarter then takes it out as its attached to a piece of rope with a hole in the quarter] And you're wrong! [Mr. Krabs laughs like weegee while drinking his soda. Scene cuts to an tired Mr. Kraps, sitting depressed in a room with light at the window] During the war, Krabs stayed secluded in a deep depression that seemed endless. [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, now a retirement home with elderly fish outside playing shuffleboard] But then his luck changed when he acquired a bankrupt retirement home and with a few minor alterations[mr krabs puts a bomb outside and kills everyone], was born. [Mr. Krabs paints a giant "K" with a bucket full of red paint, on a sign outside. We can hear a sound of a baby crying in the background. Scene cuts to a Krabby Patty with a light shining on it] Sounds like a lot of... Hoopla fish: Cr*p! Narrator: Sounds like a lot of... Hoopla fish: cr*p! Narrator: Sounds like a... Hoopla fish: Crap! [Scrolls over to Hoopla fish] Cr*p! [someone off screen throws a brick on the fish] [Scrolls back to the patty] Narrator: Sounds like a lot of cr*p to make over a little Krabby Patty right? [chuckles] and your right [scene cuts to a Krabby Patty sliding to the right again] McDonald's today. [scene cuts to a series of close-ups in McDonald's. Then scene cuts to a view of the inside of McDonald's where customers are eating Big Macs and happy meals] To keep up with today's demanding customers, no expense has been spared to acquire all the latest achievements in fast-food technology mechanism Mr. Krabs: [holds up a spatula in his left hand] This here's an advanced Big Mac-control mechanism. [now standing at the register] Here you can see our automated money-handling system. touch! [now holding some ice cubes] These are high-quality beverage temperature devices. It burns!. [holds up a straw] This heres a prototype liquid transfer machine. [puts the straw in the cup and drinks it] And most importantly, [holds upsome ketchup packets] You get your state-of-the-art condiment-disposal units. Now,are you gonna buy something or just sh*t there cause there's a sh*tting fee. Narrator: [SpongeBob is standing there when a packet of ketchup, spatula, a cash register, cup, and ice cubes appear around him] All of this modernization seems a little overwhelming, doesn't it? [the items spin around him] Well luckily for you, Mr. Krabs fear of robot overlords Spongebob:ha that's funny for a minute there I thought he was a robot Narrator: keeps the balance of technology in check. [items disappear and SpongeBob floats to the right. The scene changes to SpongeBob standing next to Squidward near the cash register] But if modernization is the heart of the Krusty Krab, then employees are the liver and gallbladder. [close-up of SpongeBob] Let's see if you got what it takes. Hmmm, poised, confident, and a smile that says, "You must die! May I kill your?" You've got the makings of a awful employee, Mr. SquarePants! But for every good employee, there is one who is not so good. [close-up of Squidward reading his dance magazine] Let's see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. [close-up of the button Squidward is wearing on his shirt] Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for employees like this, but we'll call him Squidward. Squidward: I'm getting paid overtime for this, right Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: [in his office] Yes! [scene cuts to a Krabby Patty sliding to the right] Narrator: Training. SpongeBob: Does this mean I get to make a Krabby Patty now? Narrator: No!, you can't make a Krabby Patty without understanding the phrase SH*T. SpongeBob: SH*T? Narrator: Once you understand SH*T, you'll understand your place at the Krusty Krab. But what does SH*T mean? [SpongeBob shrugs his arms] It's actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely. People Order our sh*t. SpongeBob: Ah, SH*T! [smiles proudly] Narrator: Looks like Mr. SquarePants understands SH*T. [scene cuts to a customer walking up to Squidward] Here's a typical customer. I wonder what he wants. Well, if we just remember SH*T, we can figure it out. Harold: I'd like to order- (screen freezes to a quiz) Narrator: Do you think he wants to order: A: A sofa, B: An expensive haircut, or C: A sh*t? Harold: One sofa please. Narrator: Oh cr*p! [scene cuts to a giant happy meal box] Now that you understand SH*T, I bet you think you're ready to make a happy meal. SpongeBob: Happy meal! [panting towards the happy meal but once he gets too close, he gets splattered on the screen with a fly swatter] Narrator: Ha-ha! Not so fast, Mother *beeper*. We haven't even talked about: [scene cuts to a toilet] Personal Hygiene.SpongeBob: I just don't understand. Why would Flats want to kick my butt? I haven't said two words to the guy! [cut back to SpongeBob saying "Hi, I'm SpongeBob!" SpongeBob counts on his fingers and gasps] Oh no, that's three! What am I going to do? [hears the door open] What was that? Someone's coming. They're getting closer. I've just got to act natural. [fish opens the lid and sees a real sponge] Fish: Oh that's real nice. [walks out] [. Scene cuts to SpongeBob in front of a sink] Every employee at McDonald's must comply with a strict set of personal hiuygiene guidelines. [SpongeBob turns the faucet on] OK, Mr. SquarePants, are you ready to prepare for your shift? [SpongeBob lathers his hands] A awful employee always washes himself thoroughly. Be sure to get under those pingers!. [SpongeBob nods and rubs a bit harder] And don't forget about the bagel. [SpongeBob rubs a bit harder] And make sure those pingers are squeaky clean. [SpongeBob rubs the hardest he can] All right, let's see those. [holds up his arms but it is invisible rubbing so much] Now that's thorough! [chuckles. Scene cuts to SpongeBob's shiny boots] After making sure your boots are polished, your nose is clear of any blemishes or boils, [SpongeBob cuts his boil off with a scissors] and your hair is neat and tidy, [SpongeBob lifts up his hat, sprays a little hairspray on it to make it straight, then puts his hat back on] you are ready to start the day. Now lets see how Squidward prepares for his shift. [one of the bathroom stall doors opens to show Squidward sitting on the toilet with his gay swaggers magazine on his lap. He then notices that people are looking at him. He laughs nervously and shuts the stall door shut] squidward:oh sh*t! Narrator: Remember, no employee wants to be a Gay swagger! [a giant happy meal appears on the screen again] Now that you're clean and hygienic, I bet you think you're ready to make that happy meal. SpongeBob: [yells in excitement] I'm not ready! [splits into two SpongeBob's] I'm not ready!! [splits into more SpongeBobs] I'm not ready!!!!!! [splits himself into more SpongeBob's until fly swatters splat all of them on the screen] Narrator: Whoa there! We have a few more topics to cover first. [scene cuts to food and a spatula lying on a table] Your Work Station. [scene cuts to SpongeBob vacuuming on top of the stove] It's important to keep your area tidy and free of sh*t. But a clean workstation is only part of the job. [scene cuts to SpongeBob thinking of Ronald McDonald in a thought bubble of his] To make the vision in your head a reality, you'll need supplies. And a good employee always keeps his supplies well-organized. [SpongeBob opens up a cabinet, then opens the bottom drawer to reveal a bunch of folders with names of condiments and ingredients on there] Very nice Mr. SquarePants, not a Big Mac out of place. [SpongeBob peeks out the kitchen door] Now let's see how Squidward keeps his work station. [Squidward is sleeping with a gay swaggers magazine on his face. He wakes up] Squidward: Huh? [shouts] Oh!*beep* off! [falls on the floor. The cash register drawer opens up and conks Squidward in the head]*beep* my life Narrator: Don't worry Squidward, Mr. SquarePants can cover for you. [scene cuts to SpongeBob standing next to the grill] Now that your playstation is up and running, perhaps you think you're ready to make the world-famous Big Mac. [SpongeBob barks like a dog then runs around the room. Narrator laughs] Calm down mother *beeper*. [a bone is thrown at him then he grabs it with his teeth and gnaws it] There's plenty of time left. We have to make sure you're ready for the psychological aspect of the job: [A execution chair is seen] Interfacing with your Boss. [scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to Mr. Krabs in his office] SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, can I have a raise? Mr. Krabs: yes!. Narrator: Good job, Mr. SquarePants! SpongeBob: [runs up to the camera] Can I make a Krabby Patty now-- [scene cuts to Patrick walking into the Krusty Krab] Narrator: Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we'll examine the most important aspect of the industry, the customer. Or as we like to say, the "Mcustomer". Patrick: [stops] Who said that? Are you a ghost? Narrator:yes Like precious, precious blood in an animal, the customer is what makes McDonald's strong and alive. Patrick: Squidward, your talking to me! Squidward: Are you going to order something or just make friends with me? Patrick: Uhh... I'll have an uhh... uhh... uhh... ah... [falls asleep and snores until Squidward snaps at him causing him to wake up] Huh? What's that oh *beep*? Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else. Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says. Mr. Krabs: hello I like money Patrick: The ceiling is right Squidward, you're a very good employee. Squidward: Fine. May I please take your order? Patrick: Uhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... [drones again as Squidward gets mad and grabs the cash register] Narrator: We'll check up on these two later. [scene cuts to a siren] Right now, it's important that we discuss an emergency situation! [scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a Big Mac looking around for something] Like the lost gold of [Atlantis], many be consider the Big Mac to be a treasure. And as with every treasure, there's a thief ready to steal it. So it's up to you to be the watchful eyes of... [the Big Mac moves as metal legs come out of it and it walks off] What's this? [Plankton is on the patty] It's Mr. Krabs business rival, Plankton! Plankton: Eat my microscopic dust, Krabs! Your secret formula is finally mine! [scene cuts to SpongeBob with a face of shock] Narrator: He's stealing the formula! What are you going to do, Mr. SquarePants? [SpongeBob screams and runs around the restaurant. Mr. Krabs walks up to Plankton as he and the patty are going really slow] Spongebob:*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep* Plankton: You'll never catch me, Krabs, not after I switch into maximum overdrive! [whips the krabby patty into going faster] Hi-ya! [mechanical legs whirring. Mr. Krabs grabs the patty] I knew I should have gotten the turbo. [SpongeBob is still screaming and knocking over tables and chairs] Hear me Krabs! You'll take this Krabby Patty from me when you pry it from my cold, dead... (Mr. Krabs picks up Plankton, who is now talking in a fast motion voice. He flicks him back to the Chum Bucket) Narrator: And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to Mr. Squidward. [scene cuts to Squidward and Patrick, Patrick is still saying: "Uhhhhhh..." Squidward looks annoyed] Let's check in on Squidward again. Psst, Squidward. Squidward: Huh? Narrator: Just remember SH*T. Squidward: Patrick, if I could make a suggestion. Why don't you just order a sofa? Patrick: Great idea, Squidward! One Sofa, please. Squidward: [sighs] Will that be for here or to go? [closes his mouth but Patrick is droning again. Squidward bangs his head on the register] Narrator: Hang in there Squidward, it's all part of the job. [scene cuts to a shot of the Krusty Krab training manual] Now that you've learned the basics of your training, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for. [a blue screen appears with the krabby patty slowly coming closer to the screen. The narrator is singing, then exhausted pants, and takes a deep breath, then resumes] Preparing the Big Mac! [scene cuts to SpongeBob bowing down to a poster of the queen of England] At the center of every great dynasty is the crown jewel that keeps it alive and bribing. [SpongeBob crawls to the poster] For McDonald's, this is the Big Mac. [SpongeBob licks the queen that is on the poster] And now you, the humble employee off the street, the all-too-necessary human resource that keeps this business afloat, will learn the sacred and dark secrets of how to prepare, with your very own hands... [SpongeBob gasps] the sumptuousness, lip-moistening, spine-tingling, heart-stopping pleasure center that is a Krabby Patty! Are you ready? [SpongeBob nods] Are you sure? [SpongeBob nods his head harder and his head tears in half] Ok! The secret formula is nothing!sucks for you!