The Cold War

The Cold War is the 2nd ep of season 1 of Cult of Squid. It aired July 21st 2018.

C.o.s

 * Brother Squidward
 * Security
 * Noseward
 * The initiator
 * Slave Doctor (debut)
 * Other cult members

Feathered friends

 * Spongebob
 * Patrick
 * Plankton
 * Krabs

Prisoners

 * Fred
 * Tom

Trans(gender)script
(Episode begins inside the lodge with Squidward on his throne)

Security: (walks in) brother Squidward...

Brother squidward: what is it security?

Security: it seems that most of our cult members are leaving early.

Squidward: WHAT?! WHY?!

Cult member: (walks in) brother Squidward, can i go home? I'm feeling… (tips head offscreen and pukes and falls down)

Squidward: unacceptable! (Slams tentacle on throne)

Security: im not feeling too well myself...

Brother Squidward: shoo! Dont infect me with your germs!

Security: ok… (walks offscreen and pukes)

Squidward: and clean up that mess!

Security: aww…

Initiator: (pukes offscreen) (walks in) so what initiations are we doing today?

Squidward: none.

Initiator: cool.

Squidward: this sickness is invading my beautiful cult!

Noseward: good thing i can't get infected cuz I'm a nose.

Squidward: uh, how do you do anything since you're just a nose?

Noseward: my anatomy is super complex.

Squidward: i see.

(Cuts to a shot of the entire room with most of  the cult members walking around and coughing)

Noseward:  (offscreen) we can't run a cult like this!

Squidward: (offscreen) i see. (Cuts back) i wonder if the prisoners are also dealing with this disease.

(Cuts to the underground prison cell with almost all the fish coughing)

(Cuts back)

Noseward: i ain't going down there to find out.

Squidward: we must do something about this!

Noseward: I'll get one of our slave doctors. (Goes offscreen)

(Cuts to the feathered friends sneaking outside of the lodge)

Spongebob: (whispering) alright feathered friends, it's time to bust in and show those squids who's boss!

Patrick: uh, spongebob?

Spongebob: yeah?

Patrick: the security guard isnt there.

Spongebob: oh, i guess we'll just casually walk in.

Mr krabs: oh brother.

(The FF all walk to the front door as multiple Squids walk out of the lodge)

Spongebob: are these people finally accepting defeat?!

Cult member: no, we got a virus.

Plankton: you know what this means?

Spongebob: these people are sick?

Plankton: No you dang idiot! It means we can take over the lodge easier now!

Krabs: why am i here again?

(Cuts to inside the lodge with The Feathered Friends sneaking in and going to the throne room)

Spongebob: freeze cephalopods!

Squidward: Spongebob?! Patrick?! Plankton?! Kra- where's krabs?

Spongebob: he went home due to lack of interest.

Squidward: dang.

Plankton: we've come to take over!

Squidward: never! Cult, attack!

Cult members: yaaa-(all start coughing)aa!!

(The ff and the cult members have a battle and the cult members cough a lot)

Spongebob: (holds a cult member's nose) gotcha nose!

(Cult member punches Spongebob to the ground)

(Cuts to Patrick fighting a cult member)

Patrick: take this! (Misses a punch) and this! (Misses yet again) and uh… What was i doing?

(The cult member attempts to punch patrick but Patrick yawns, dodging the attack without him knowing)

(Cuts to a cult member running towards plankton)

Cult member: aaaa!!!!

(Cuts to plankton running towards the cult member)

Plankton: aaaa!!!

(Cuts to cult member)

Cult member: aaaa-

Plankton: OOW!!

(Cult member raises foot to see he has stepped on plankton by accident)

(Cuts to mr krabs relaxing on his recliner watching T.V for 5 seconds)

(Cuts to the lodge filled with wounded and tired squids and the feathered friends all knocked out. There is a doctor giving everyone except Squidward flu vaccines)

Squidward: we won! WE WO- (coughs) uh oh..

(A cult member picks up the 3 and throws them out)

(Cuts to Squidward holding a bucket)

Cult member: hey boss, we all feel better!

Brother Squidward: great… (barfs in bucket)

Cult member: oh my…

Noseward: i wonder how the fish in prison are doing?

(Cuts to a shot of the underground cage and everyone feels better)

Tom: at least we're better.

Fred: my leg fell off!!

Tom: put it back on then!

(Cuts to Squidward on a bed with a box of tissues and there are cult members next to him)

Squidward: are there anymore vaccines?

Doctor: nope, you'll just have to wait this one out.

Cult member: can i just say that's not how vaccines wor-

Doctor: QUIET.

Noseward: back into the slave quarters with you.

(Episode ends with Nosewars chasing the doctor offscreen while holding a whip and constantly whipping the doc and Squidward throws up one more time)