Jake's Departure

Jake's Departure is the fourteenth episode of SBFW Go!. The episode was co-written with, marking the first time an episode wasn't written entirely by.

Transcript
(the episode begins with an outside shot of the HQ garden, an unknown gunman approaches it and smashes through the back window to find the Teletubbies theme song on loop - SpongeBot and Bong are at it again)

SpongeBot: Damn, this is the shit!

Gunman: (weirded out) Uh… (he opens the door to the main lounge, stares for a while and then quickly slams it shut again) Some weird place this is turning out to be. (he then approaches the entrance and opens the door to the loser lounge, where he finds Polar dancing to “Dame Tu Cosita”, he slams this door shut even faster than he did the first time) I’ll just leave the way I came in- (he turns around to find Jake standing there) Looks like I have a target…

Jake: You want money? What kind of terrorists are you? (pulls out a machine gun) Now I have a machine gun, ho h- (the gunman starts rapidly shooting, almost shooting Jake)

Travis: (comes in naked) VISITORS! (the gunman stops shooting and screams like a little child and runs towards the door and, upon realising that it’s locked, quickly unlocks it and resumes his screaming and flees)

Jake: (angrily looking at Travis) HEY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MCCLANE!

Travis: (confused) McClane’s a stripper?

Jake: (facepalms)

(theme song, then cut to the lounge the next morning, SpongeBot and a couple of other users are watching The Hollow on Netflix)

Philly: HOLY CRAP! MIRA KISSED ADAM? NEVER THOUGHT THEY’D HAVE A RELATIONSHIP! I BET KAI WOULD BE SO ANGRY!

Matchy: (in shock) THIS IS A BIGGER PLOT TWIST THAN WHEN DONALD DUCK MIXED METH WITH VIAGRA!

Jasbre: (sounding like a smartass) Meh, I knew this would happen from the beginning, I always know these things. (Bong comes in, looking a bit more obese than usual)

Bong: SpongeBot, does this dress make me look fat? (we see inside of SpongeBot’s head)

Fear: (scared) Uh, guys? Vanessa just asked us a question and we don’t know what she asked!

Anger: I don’t give a shit! I want to see the aftermath of Mira and Adam’s kiss!

Autism: (a whole variety of emotions) WHAT IF WE GIVE HER THE WRONG ANSWER?!?

Everyone else: GENIUS!

Autism: (proud of himself) Yeah, I know I am!

Happy: (calmly) All we have to do is agree with her!

Autism: (a whole variety of emotions) WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T WANT US TO AGREE WITH HER?!? (Anger punches him, upset) He’s bullying me! (cut back to the real world)

SpongeBot: (pause) Yes. (Bong slaps him and then walks away) Ow! What was that for? Anybody? (cut to the kitchen, Polar is examining the now-broken back window, he sighs, Lock approaches him)

Lock: What happened here, then?

Polar: Someone broke in during the night and almost shot Jake’s shoulder. Luckily Travis scared the gunman away. He was shaken, alright.

Lock: Poor Jake.

Polar: I was talking about the window, not Jake! It was my favourite window in the HQ!

Lock: How do you have a favourite window?

Polar: (embarrassed) I- uh- well…

Lock: (grinning) You have a window fetish, don’t you, Polar?

Polar: (even more embarrassed) Not exactly...

CrazySponge: (pops up) I have a Hoopla fetish! By the way, can I be in the episode?

Polar and Lock: NO!!!

CrazySponge: I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids! (sulks as he walks off)

Polar: So, what you doing now?

Lock: Oh, I just have to-

Jasbre: (angrily approaching Polar) YOU!

Polar: The Donald f**k, man?!

Jasbre: (angry) YOU BROKE THE WINDOW! AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA PAY!

Polar: Now you’re starting to sound like (serious voice) Arch Wizard Megumin!

Jasbre: He’s been inactive recently, so I’ve decided to resume his duties for him.

Polar: (chuckles) “Duties”. Anyway, I didn’t break this beautiful, mouthwatering, precious window. Someone broke into the HQ last night! Even check the CCTV!

Jasbre: Fine, I believe you, this time. (walks off)

Polar: He’s a weirdo. As you were saying…

Lock: Oh, I’ve got a job at that PENIS! restaurant thingy that Travis helped make. I, uh, really should be going to work now. (walks out)

Polar: Finally, we’re alone, Miss Window! (kisses the window and then growls) Oops, sorry, Miss Window, we better get on with the pregnancy plo-

Bong: (suddenly appearing) No! You are not going ahead with the pregnancy plot!

Jake: But why?

Bong: I don’t like it!

Polar: (reluctant) Fine. (cut to Lock showing up for work at PENIS!)

Lock: I’m here!

Travis: Hello, Lock! I made a new meal! It’s called Head-a-Stick!

Lock: I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I?

Travis: No, you won’t!

(shows the meal, that is a severed head on a stick made out of mud)

Lock: End my life, now.

Travis: A lot of people have been saying that about the place. (thinks for a bit) I know! We’ll make that our slogan! (Plankton comes out screaming)

Plankton: NO!!!

Travis: Actually, Plankton, I think “NO!!!” makes “End my life, now” look like The SpongeToons Movie. (Plankton facepalms, CrazySponge pops up)

CrazySponge: Can I be in this bit?

Travis, Plankton and Lock: No!

CrazySponge: (muttering) Stupid underaged damn blasted bafoons. (walks off)

Lock: What were you screaming about, anyway, second-in-command?

Plankton: It’s not exactly good news. THE HEALTH INSPECTOR IS COMING TODAY!

Travis: (cheerfully) YAY!

Lock: Travis, I don’t think this is a good thing, especially with our latest offering, your “Head-a-Stick”...

Travis: (confused) Wait, the health inspector isn’t like a time travelling detective or anything?

(Lock and Plankton facepalm. Cut to Jake sitting on his bed, sad.)

Jake: (sad) Jake, I’m sad. (putting on a different voice) Why are you sad? I’m here for you! (putting on his normal voice) No you’re not, you don’t even exist! (back to the other voice) True. (back to his normal voice, he sighs) Well, my bags are all packed and the bus will be here soon. Time to say my final farewells to this sad excuse for a SpongeBob wiki. (he receives a text message and takes out his phone to read it) It’s from Travis. (typing back) No, I will not send you ‘pics’ of my feet. (he sends it and puts his phone away) Right, time to, er, go. (he walks out of his room and looks at it one last time.) Goodbye. At least I will get to a place where people like Die Hard. (he walks out of the HQ and to the bus stop, sitting down at the bench) Not like anyone will miss me. (cut back to the HQ, Jasbre is frantically running around looking for Jake)

Jasbre: JAKE! JAKE! JAKE!!! OH, WHERE THE WHITE DUCK ARE YOU?! (he runs into the kitchen to find Polar naked with the window, Jasbre screams)

Polar: (blankly) Hi.

Jasbre: Where the f**k is Jake?

Polar: What do you mean?

Jasbre: His room has been completely stripped of everything and there’s not a trace of him anywhere! He’s probably just packed his stuff and left!

Polar: And you care so much about this because…

Jasbre: I practically own the wiki nowadays.

Polar: Don’t you think this is just someone’s little joke or something?

Jasbre: (pause) Yeah, yeah. I’ll give it a few hours. (cut back to PENIS!, the health inspector knocks on the front door)

Plankton: F**k! That’ll be him! Everybody h-

Travis: You don’t have to knock, you can come in!

Lock: TRAVIS!!!

Travis: Wat? (the health inspector enters)

Health Inspector: Inspector Virginia here to inspect “PENIS!”.

Travis: (laughs) Pfft… Virginia!

Plankton: No! Uh, you must’ve made a mistake. We’re not expecting anyone!

Travis: Hang on, you’re not a time lord!

Health Inspector: This is the address I was given and this is, indeed, a restaurant titled “PENIS!”, coincidence? I think not.

Travis: Where’s Clara and everyone?

Health Inspector: (sits down at a table) I’d like one of everything please.

Lock: (gulp) That’ll be, erm…

Health Inspector: Pause your calculations, I am a health inspector, I don’t need to pay, thank you.

Travis: Oh! We sell those in the men’s!

Health Inspector: (taking notes) While this may not affect your score in terms of hygiene, I am taking notes in other aspects.

Travis: (approaching the health inspector with a Head-a-Stick) Try the Head-a-Stick! It’s super tasty and severed by our specialists! (Plankton and Lock crouch behind the counter)

Lock: The f**k are we gonna do?

Plankton: Your mum.

Lock: Wait-

Plankton: Nothing! Nothing! I’m just trying to brighten the mood, that’s all. Maybe if we can cause a distraction- (the health inspector throws up)

Travis: That means that it’s tired! (cut to Jake on the bus)

Jake: (sadly singing)

Moving away,

Moving away,

Moving away,

I’m gonna move away,

Yay… (he arrives at his destination, gets off the bus and stops singing) Finally, a place to call my own. (sadly) Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker! (he enters his new house, put his suitcase on the coffee table and sits down on the couch) Yay, I guess… (cut back to the HQ’s lounge)

Jasbre: Matchy, it’s been a while and there’s still no sign of Jake!

Matchy: Have you tried calling or texting him?

Jasbre: Never thought of that before. Thanks! Though, I won’t let him know I’m worried. (he calls Jake)

Jake: Hello?

Jasbre: Hi, Jake! Where are you?

Jake: I’m, er… I’m just out doing some shopping.

Jasbre: Oh. (awkwardly laughs) You will never guess what happened earlier! Polar was making out with glass!

Jake: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass? (hangs up)

Jasbre: He said he’s just doing some shopping! But he’s packed all his clothes up with him!

Pluto: (pops up with a dorky voice) MaYbE hE tOoK dEm To mEaSuRe ThEm sO hE cOuLd sEe iF tHe StOrE HaS bEtTeR cLoThEs

Jasbre: That idea might actually… (pause) be the stupidest thing I’ve heard in my entire lifetime. Even stupider than the Popeye film being cancelled for some stupid emoji shit.

Pluto: WeLl HeCk YoU tHeN aSsHoLe

Jasbre: (annoyed) Language! (cut back to PENIS!)

Health Inspector: (in disgust) THAT WAS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE TASTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! But… it had clearly been thoroughly cleaned, and can be passed off as hygienic.

Plankton: (in disbelief) dafuq

Travis: I washed it so hard that my fingers are sore! See! (holds up his fingers and everyone looks away in disgust) Who wants bangers and mash? (Cut back to Jake sitting on his couch, watching Die Hard 2.)

John McClane: (on TV) How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?

Jake: (eating popcorn) This never gets old! I’m finally home!

CrazySponge: (pops up) CAN I BE IN THIS SCENE?

Jake: No! (cut back to the HQ)

Jasbre: Imma go look for Jake. (leaves the HQ, cut back to PENIS!, the health inspector is leaving)

Travis: Why wouldn’t you guys get into your costumes?

Lock: ‘Cos we’re not showing off our penises the same way a prostitute shows off her cleavage.

Travis: Damn fools.

Plankton: Wow! I think we may have actually have a good score on our hands!

Travis: And it’s all thanks to me!

Lock: In some mysterious, magical way, yes.

(the next day, Travis and Lock see the results and the score is ‘’horrible shit’’. Lock turns to Travis.)

Lock: You stupid mothertucker. (punches Travis in the face, end with the Die Hard version of ‘’Ode to Joy’’ playing during the credits)

(post credits scene. Jasbre is still looking for Jake.)

Jasbre: Jake? Jake? JAKE?! JAKE?! (pause) Where are you? (proper end, with a sign saying ‘’To be continued…’’)

Trivia

 * The episode contains many references to the Die Hard franchise.