Chum Bucket List

Chum Bucket List is the pilot episode of Reckless and Retired.

Story
It's the summer of 2014 and SpongeBob and Patrick are out jellyfishing. They're running and having a good time, when they accidentally bump into Squidward, who is trying to peacefully meditate with nature. Squidward is furious.

"You two idiots have nothing better to do with your time than to catch stupid jellyfish! If you guys don't get a sense of reality, you're gonna waste your whole life jellyfishing!" He stormed away.

"Duh, what'd he say?" asked Patrick.

"Something about jellyfishing," said SpongeBob.

"You know what this means, right?" said Patrick. They looked at eachother.

"MORE JELLYFISHING!" they screamed together.

75 YEARS LATER

The two are still out jellyfishing. SpongeBob falls and hurts his hip. Patrick tries to help him up, but he hurts his back. Suddenly, a hot woman shows up in a black van.

"Oh you poor things! Come on, I'm taking you to the Bikini Bottom Retirement Community."

She drove them to the retirement home, and showed them around.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE! I DIDN'T COMMIT ANY CRIMES, I SWEAR!" Patrick screamed.

"Um...Patrick...this is a retirement home," said SpongeBob.

"Ohhhh," said Patrick. "It's a retirement home. DUHH!!! ....what's a retirement home?"

"Let me show you guys to your room," said the hot lady. She opened a room. In the room, Squidward, Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Plankton were already living, and were not getting along.

"That remote is MINE!" Sandy grabbed Squidward's arms and tied them in a knot. Plankton grabbed Sandy's legs and pulled her to the ground, and took the remote. Mr. Krabbs stomped on Plankton, crushing him, and took the remote. SpongeBob and Patrick stood there in terror.

"Do you have any other rooms?" asked SpongeBob.

"It's the last room," said the lady. "Make yourself at home."

SpongeBob and Patrick entered the room. "Sooo....what have y'all been doing for the past 75 years?" asked SpongeBob.

"Well, I was tired of my life...so I turned myself into the retirement home a decade ago," said Squidward.

"I had a terrible surfing accident, and was nearly paralyzed. I had to come here early," said Sandy.

"Well, the Krusty Krab was closed by the Health Department for causing headaches, nausea, heart attacks, stomach problems, explosive diahrea, thoughts of suicide, death, and sweaty palms," said Mr. Krabs. "Can you believe it? Those damn blasted heartless jerks!"

"And some dude accidentally stepped on me in the street, and I got stuck to their foot. Then they walked into the retirement home. I still can't figure out how to get out," said Plankton.

"Don't tell me you two knuckleheads wasted your whole life jellyfishing!" said Squidward.

"Umm...well...you see.." said SpongeBob.

"Because if you did," Squidward cut him off. "This calls for a major I TOLD YOU SO!"

"Yeah, I guess it's true. There were still so many things I wanted to do before I died." SpongeBob sighed.

"You mean like a bucket list?" asked Sandy.

"The Chum Bucket?? That was taken over by pelicans!!!" said Plankton.

"Not The Chum Bucket, you damn bug. A bucket list," said Sandy.

"What's a bucket list?" asked Plankton.

"It's a list of things you want to do before you die," said Squidward. "But it looks like SpongeBob and Patrick wasted their whole life JELLYFISHING! HAHAHA!"

"Who says we wasted our ENTIRE life? Maybe we CAN still complete our bucket list!" said SpongeBob.

"Listen, lad, let's face it. Our lives are over. All we can do now is play bingo and eat donuts," said Mr. Krabs.

"NO!" said SpongeBob with tears in his eyes. "Me and Patrick are breaking out of this joint to go complete our bucket list! Age is just a number! Deep inside, I'm still the same sponge that I was 75 years ago. Now come on. WHO'S WITH ME?"

Crickets chirped. The room was still.

"FINE! COME ON PATRICK!" yelled SpongeBob. He and Patrick left the room.

SpongeBob and Patrick stood in the streets.

"Soo, what exactly are we gonna do?" asked Patrick.

"Just follow my lead," said SpongeBob.

SpongeBob walked up to a hobo and began riding him like a bull.

"Oh, I get it!" said Patrick. He jumped on a hobo and rode him throughout Bikini Bottom.

Throughout the day, SpongeBob and Patrick rode hobos, ate tacos while skydiving, painted the city dark yellow, fed baby tigers to a rabid ostrich, crashed a reality TV show, cross-dressed at a bar, wrestled grizzly bears, discovered a new species of shrimp, dissected pandas, drank Pepsi while releasing prisoners, and traveled the seven seas with drunken pirates.

"Wow, this has been awesome, SpongeBob!" said Patrick.

"Yep! I can't believe we're still alive!" said SpongeBob.

"Don't speak so soon. I have one thing that I want to do," said Patrick.

"It can't be that bad. What is it?" asked SpongeBob.

"Jump into a volcano," said Patrick.

SpongeBob's eyes got huge.

Soon, they arrived at a volcano. They stood at the edge, and looked down at the lava.

"Patrick are you sure about this? It doesn't seem safe!!" yelled SpongeBob.

"Ohh, cry me a river, Mr. I'm Gonna Do My Bucket List But Not Patrick's. I did all the shit you wanted today! And I have one freakin' thing I've wanted to do my whole freakin' LIFE! NOW YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DO IT!!!!"

"I don't care if YOU do it, Patrick. But I'm sitting this one out," said SpongeBob.

"NO WAY! YOU'RE COMING DOWN WITH ME!" Patrick grabbed SpongeBob and jumped into the boiling lava.

SpongeBob suddenly woke up on the bed in the Bikini Bottom Retirement Community.

"It was a dream? It was all a dream?"

"Nope, you guys nearly burned to death. You're lucky a nearby helicopter was scanning the area. You guys are severely burned. You're stupid bucket list nearly became the DEATH of you!" said Sandy.

"Mow!" said Gary, also very old, as he drank from his milk bowl.

Squidward walked over to the bed. "This calls for a major..."

"I told YOU so!" said SpongeBob.

"What??" said Squidward. "I predicted YOU wasting your whole life!"

"Nope! After today, I'm completely satisfied. Today was the most fun I've had in years! I even survived jumping into a volcano! If anyone's wasted their entire life, it's YOU! Playing that stupid clarinet, you never got married!" said SpongeBob.

Squidward pulled out his clarinet and started stroking it. "Don't listen to him, baby. You're beautiful just the way you are."

"So where's Patrick?" asked SpongeBob.

"Patrick?" asked Sandy.

We then see Patrick drowning in lava. "I TAKE IT BACK! THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!!!"