Jailhouse Rock

Jailhouse Rock is the second episode of season four of Cult of Squid.

Transcript
(Episode opens at the cult dungeon with a random guard asleep as Security enters)

Security: Brother Snoozy, awaken! I have captured the Feathered Friends!

(SpongeBob, Patrick, Plankton, and Mr. Krabs are forced into a cell)

Mr. Krabs: You’re not gonna get away with this!

Security: What are you going to do?

Mr. Krabs: Well I’ve heard tell of this group of resistance crabs that have come to help!

Krusty Komrade Member: Uh no we’re in jail too. Got caught back in January.

Mr. Krabs: Dammit!

Security: I’m going to go talk with Brother Squidward about what to do with you. Brother Snoozy! Wake up, you need to stand guard!

Brother Snoozy: Wait what’s going on?

(Cut to Security talking with Squidward)

Security: Brother Squidward, I can’t help but feel you’re hiding something from me.

Squidward: Oh well in an alternate past where the cult lost I made a deal with Satan and got us a nifty new timeline where we won.

Security: that's the stupidest thing ive ever heard.

Squidward: Something about meeting literal Satan compels you to tell the truth a lot more often.

Security: Well uh it appears we have a slight issue.

Squidward: What is it?

Security: Well the prison is now completely full with the addition of the Feathered Friends.

Squidward: I see.

Security: Yeah so uh what should we do about that?

Squidward: Double the size of the prison!

Security: We don’t have the funding for that.

Squidward: We practically own the ocean. We can do whatever the *dolphin noises* we want!

Security: I guess that’s true. Let’s go to get some more materials to build!

Squidward: Yes.

(Security brings some of his cult brothers to gather materials)

Security: Brother Brother, will you please grab those iron bars?

Brother Brother: Yeah, sure.

Unnamed Cult Member: Pffff your name is Brother Brother?

Brother Brother: Hey, shut up Brother Abortion!

(Cut to the Feathered Friends)

SpongeBob: Hey Plankton, how long until you can call Karen?

Plankton: It’ll take like five more minutes for me to establish a cell connection.

(Noseward walks past the cell)

Noseward: Hey, what’s going on in here?

Krabs: Nothing.

Patrick: I thought Plankton was going to bust us out of here.

(Everybody in the cell facepalms)

Patrick: What.

Noseward: Oh, okay then. BROTHER SNOOZY WAKE THE HELL UP!

Brother Snoozy: Huh?

Noseward: You’re being fired. FROM LIFE.

(Noseward stabs Brother Snoozy)

Plankton: That was a very strange turn of events.

Noseward: Good pun, eh?

SpongeBob: No.

Noseward: I’ll be standing guard here and on my watch, you won’t escape ever.

Krabs: Oh come on.

Noseward: If you try to escape I’ll cripple you!

Plankton: No not again!

Noseward: Good. Good.

(Cut to Security and the cult brothers bringing supplies to Squidward’s throne room)

Squidward: Why did you bring the supplies in here? Go build!

Security: Alright fine.

(The cult begins to extend the jail)

SpongeBob: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Security: (uses pickaxe to break through old tile wall) adding more jail cells!

Patrick: (has idea) hey, why don’t you guys uhhhhhhhhh make it into a trophy room?

Noseward: Woah, that’s genius!

Security: Hey Noseward, where is a Brother Snoozy?

Noseward: Uhhhh he went to take a nap.

Security: Ah, alright.

Noseward: Yep.

Krabs: Yeah, that’s EXACTLY what happened.

Security: Shut up naive!

Noseward: Yeah, do that.

Brother Brother: Hey guys, do you want us to drill a hole and blow some dynamite in it?

Security: Yeah, whatever. I need a milkshake.

Noseward: I can whip one up!

Plankton: Wait how, you have no arms.

(The dynamite blows up and everybody drops to the floor; Squidward comes downstairs)

Squidward: What was THAT?!

Everybody: Nothing!

Squidward: HEY WHERE DID THIS HOLE COME FROM?!

(Noseward and Patrick point at Brother Brother)

Brother Brother: Security told me to do it!

Security: That is true, I did tell him to do it.

Brother Brother: Wait you’re actually taking the blame for me?

Security: Yeah.

Brother Brother: Why?

Squidward: GUYS SHUT UP! INSTALL A SWIMMING POOL DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY!

(Squidward walks back upstairs)

Security: Brother Brother, you are a good friend to me. Probably my only one. .

Brother Brother: Thanks, that means a lot actually. Let’s install this swimming pool!

SpongeBob: Can we help?

Noseward: No, shut up prisoner.

(Episode closes with the cult members installing a very cool underground swimming pool)