User blog:Da Nerd/Cinema Sins: A New Town, A New Sponge

''Note: This is not meant to be considered an actual review, and is not meant to be taken seriously. This blog post is a parody of the YouTube series CinemaSins - check them out.''


 * [scene starts with SpongeBob trekking to work but halts to see the Krusty Krab is not there, only to see a barren land instead]
 * If only the Krusty Krab were missing, wouldn't the road leading up to and surrounding it still be there, not just a barren land?
 * SpongeBob: No, my worst fear has been realized.
 * Really? That's your worst fear?
 * [yells] Everybody, make way to home. [runs through city] Humans have taken away the Krusty Krab and are coming for us next. Run for your lives.
 * He says this so enthusiastically.
 * [every fish runs back into their homes]
 * If the Krusty Krab wasn't there, there wouldn't be really any fish at all to have any purpose there. And if there were, there weren't be very many. So really, even if he screamed his warning at the top of his lungs, only the few fish around him would be able to heed it, not every fish in the city (as there are no homes nearby the Krusty Krab anyways).
 * Mr. Krabs: [blocks SpongeBob's path and stops SpongeBob with his claws and knocks SpongeBob on his back] Boy, this is not the doings of those human things.
 * SpongeBob: [brings self to feet] It's not? Then, where's the Krusty Krab?
 * Mr. Krabs: You're standing right in front of it.
 * [SpongeBob looks behind him only to see the Krusty Krab]
 * Although there is no sense of direction contexted anywhere else, wouldn't SpongeBob have been able to see the Krusty Krab while trekking to work? And even then, as he was trekking to work, wouldn't he have already been able to see that the Krusty Krab was missing from a reasonable distance?
 * SpongeBob: But, how did? Where did?
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, [walks to SpongeBob and places arms around SpongeBob] yesterday I was thinking about profits, like always.
 * No, actually your main point of thought revolves around money itself.
 * And I saw the Krusty Krab was looking one billionth of one cent everyday, so, I took matters into my own hands and moved us to downtown Bikini Bottom.
 * SpongeBob: But now, Mr. Krabs, I am...[pulls out measuring tape and places stick into gravel and sprints back home, through the door, and places the other end in his mattress and then gasps] [sprints down stairs] Hey Gary.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * [SpongeBob runs back to Krusty Krab]
 * SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab is now... [pulls up other end] one whole mile from my house!
 * The longest tape measure ever invented only stretches 600 feet, which is almost as little as 1/10 of how long you claim the tape measure stretches. And also, why do you set your mattress as the reference point of your house?
 * Mr. Krabs: [mumbles and walks past SpongeBob toward front door of Krusty Krab] Quit your worrying, boy! We've got customers! Now get your spatula, get behind the grill and get to work! And don't make me repeat myself. [shuts door]
 * SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs. [rushes into Krusty Krab only to get knocked down by the line of customers]
 * Hold on, if he had just moved the Krusty Krab to Downtown Bikini Bottom that day, how would customers already know that it was there and not show up at its original location? Even more so, how does an entire line of customers already show up without any notification of the Krusty Krab's move?
 * Customer: Watch where you're going, fry cook!
 * Broke running gag where long line of customers don't recognize SpongeBob as a fry cook rather than just a normal customer.
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, sir. [rushes into kitchen] Well, the people of this downtown area are quite rude fish, but who am I to judge. [looks out of kitchen window] Hey, Squidward. Pssst. Squidward.
 * How had Squidward already known about the move?
 * Squidward: [looks up from magazine then looks back down]
 * SpongeBob: Maybe Squidward did not hear me. [ruffles through objects in kitchen and pulls up bullhorn] SQUIDWARD!!!!
 * Because there just happens to be a bullhorn in the kitchen, among many other miscellaneous objects.
 * Squidward: [stands up] Alright! What, what do you want?
 * SpongeBob: [appears behind Squidward] Do you notice anything odd about the Krusty Krab? The rude customers. The overcrowding.
 * Squidward: What's your point? [crosses arms] They're still the same clientele.
 * [screen cuts to a fish chomping down a Krabby Patty in one bite]
 * SpongeBob: Eew.
 * But when your best friend does it, it's okay.
 * Mr. Krabs: Get back to work. [points to Squidward] That means you too, Mr. Tentacles.
 * [SpongeBob hops into kitchen and receives first ticket]
 * SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty with extra mustard with...[startled by loud car horns]
 * Using "with" twice in one sentence. (Also, I'm not sure you can order extra mustard.)
 * [SpongeBob begins to vigorously shake from the vibrations of passing cars]
 * [Objects in the kitchen begin to fall down; pan falls and hits SpongeBob on his head, causing him to fall and stop vibrating]
 * The pan has magical powers.
 * SpongeBob: [looks out window and sees passing traffic] Downtown Bikini Bottom is much more active than I once suspected. How am I going to attend to my duties at the Krusty Krab and work under all of this noise from downtown? [places finger to chin and thinks]
 * [scene cuts to dining area]
 * Squidward: Okay, and would you like tomato sauce with...? [interruped by screeching sound]
 * Tomato sauce. Because ketchup is too mainstream.
 * [SpongeBob is shown to be pulling his grill into the dining area and bringing it the far corner]
 * Customer: What's going on?
 * Isn't it obvious?
 * Squidward: Ignore it. It's just an idiot.
 * It.
 * Mr. Krabs: [marches out of office toward SpongeBob, mumbling] Boy, what are you doing! You're disturbing me customers with your constant screeching!
 * And only one customer went out of his way to call it out.
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. It's just so hard to work over all of that noise in the kitchen.
 * Wouldn't the noise affect the entire restaurant, and not just the kitchen?
 * Mr. Krabs: Well it's even harder to eat over the noise in the dining room. Hurry up with your doings and get back to work. [marches back to office, mumbling]
 * SpongeBob: [pulls out order ticket from pocket and places a fresh patty onto the grill]
 * [Cobwebs and dust falls onto patty from the corner]
 * SpongeBob: [picks up patty with spatula and places it on bottom bun and places top bun on patty and hands it to customer] Enjoy, fellow custo...
 * Customer: [hits patty onto floor] I am not eating a cobweb patty!
 * As soon as you recieve the patty, you just happen to notice right away that there are cobwebs, with the reaction time to interrupt SpongeBob without him saying 3 words?
 * First, the screeching from the grill, and now this? I refuse to eat under these conditions. Literally! [points to dirty vent of an air condition spraying cobwebs onto the grill then marches away]
 * Not sure how literal that is, considering the only thing affected by these "conditions" is the grill.
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, until [places hands on hips] you get back into that kitchen and start cooking those patties without spider droppings on them, I want you out of the Krusty Krab. [throws SpongeBob out of front doors and shuts them behind him]
 * So you ask him to start cooking more patties without cobwebs, then right after, you throw him out? He really didn't have enough time to carry out your wish.
 * [SpongeBob walks towards Patrick's house]
 * SpongeBob: [knocks on Patrick's rock yet Patrick does not answer the door] Patrick, are you there? [lifts the rock upward only to see Patrick lying on the floor, obviously exhausted] 
 * I thought sea stars slept attached to the rocks they lived in?
 * [rushes to Patrick's help]
 * What help is Patrick providing right now?
 * Patrick, speak to me. [pulls out candy bars] How many candy bars am I...
 * Patrick: [wakes up] Candy bars! [rushes to other side of room and chomps them all down]
 * Rectangles, Patrick. Rectangles.
 * SpongeBob: Why were you lying down on the floor nearly collapsed?
 * Patrick: Oh, same old, same old.
 * SpongeBob: What does that mean?
 * A familiar, uninteresting, or tedious situation, activity, narrative, or set of facts.
 * Patrick: [scoffs] SpongeBob, you can't always expect me to be a loner every single day. That's why I've invited two very important people to my lovely abode.
 * [Margaret and Harold SquarePants stand from the hallway]
 * Wait, hallway?
 * Margaret SquarePants: Hello dear.
 * SpongeBob: Mom, dad. What are you doing here? I thought you were in...
 * Harold SquarePants: That town was a total bust, son. So we decided to get as close to Bikini Bottom as possible, but since our house is still condemned, we decided to come as close to your house as possible.
 * But just a second ago, you said you wanted to get as close to Bikini Bottom as possible, not his house.
 * SpongeBob: But why not my actual house?
 * Margaret: [laughs] Well, we wanted to travel to a fast food restaurant, not live next to one.
 * SpongeBob: What? [lifts Patrick's rock only to see his house next to the Krusty Krab and sees the measuring tape contracted] Of course. But, Patrick, why were you lying on the ground exhausted?
 * Patrick: Not to be rude, but your parrots can be quite stressful.
 * I didn't know SpongeBob had parrots.
 * Margaret: Oh, we're sorry to be a bother on you, Patrick.
 * Patrick: No, you guys are great. I said SpongeBob's parrots. They're always keeping me up with their squawking.
 * I didn't know SpongeBob had parrots.
 * SpongeBob: I don't have any parrots.
 * Exactly.
 * Patrick: Do you have any more of those delicious nougat chocolate bars?
 * Immediately changes subject.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, let me just get them out...
 * Patrick: Give them to me! [forcibly shakes SpongeBob by the trousers only to send him flying to the Krusty Krab's dining area without his pants]
 * How does that work? Patrick's house is next to SpongeBob's, with just one other house in between the two, and SpongeBob's is supposedly a mile away from the Krusty Krab.
 * SpongeBob: I'm back, sir. I was...Aaaah! [sees robbers leaving the Krusty Krab, leaving the place with overturned tables and all the customers, including Squidward and Mr. Krabs, are hiding behind tables]
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, look behind you!
 * The logical way to hide behind those tables is to turn them so the top is covering them, so how would Mr. Krabs be able to see what is supposedly behind SpongeBob without the robbers seeing him?
 * SpongeBob: Okay, but I don't see what...Aah! [sees a robber standing behind him and then backs away slowly] Mr. Robber Man, I don't taste that good.
 * Mmmm... sponge cake.
 * I'm allergic to my money being stolen.
 * Last time I checked, you're not Mr. Krabs.
 * Please don't hurt me, I...would you like a Krabby Patty?
 * Burglar: [stops and thinks] Uh, sure.
 * Burglar gives up on threatening SpongeBob so he can be served something he could have easily stolen at any time, or gotten by any other means.
 * SpongeBob: [places work hat on and takes off shoe and takes out replacement pants] One Krabby Patty, coming up. [cooks patty and hands it to burglar]
 * Because taking off only one shoe helps much.
 * Burglar: 
 * Visual editor.
 * Why, this is the best food I've ever tasted. [throws Krabby Patty into wall and tips over the last standing table and runs out of the restaurant]
 * That was abrupt and unexpected.
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, may I have a word with you?
 * Mr. Krabs: [walks next to SpongeBob] Is there something the matter, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, a pack of burglars just barged into the Krusty Krab!
 * No shit.
 * Cars bustling past the kitchen affect my working. And Squidward's sleeping on the job for an extra second longer.
 * God help us all.
 * The downtown city has changed the Krusty Krab!
 * No, the Krusty Krab has stayed the same. The environment the Krusty Krab is affected by changed.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, you're not wrong, lad. But how am I going to move the Krusty Krab with all of these customers?
 * What? The only customers you had in Downtown Bikini Bottom fled because of SpongeBob's difficulty getting used to the new environment. You really didn't get anything productive out of this.
 * SpongeBob: [looks outside of front windows and looks at his house] I might have an idea.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob using a large truck to pull his house, making the measuring tape, still attached to the bed, pull the Krusty Krab into its original place]
 * I have two problems with this. One, SpongeBob doesn't have his boating license. This act is illegal. Two, measuring tape isn't strong enough to pull an entire restaurant. The tape should have slipped at some point. And the measuring tape is only set into the gravel. Therefore, even if the tape was strong enough, doing this has no point, and couldn't have possibly moved the restaurant, which the tape wasn't even attached to. Oh, and no one ever noticed there was a goddamn tape measure leading to what was a largely attracting restaurant?
 * Mr. Krabs: [yells to SpongeBob from Krusty Krab] Well, boy, you've done it. You've brought my restaurant back to its normal state.
 * It never left its normal state. Location, yes. State, no.
 * SpongeBob: You're welcome, Mr. Krabs. At least my house is closer to the Krusty Krab than ever. [measuring tape contracts and smashes the Krusty Krab into SpongeBob's house]
 * Again, the tape isn't strong enough.
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, maybe a little too close.
 * [episode ends]

Episode sin count: 44

Sentence: The result of the tape measure contracting an entire mile.