Deal with the Devil

Deal with the Devil is the first episode of the fourth season of Cult of Squid.

Transcript
(Episode opens where the last season left off with Squidward painting. A caption reads: Neptune’s Dungeon - 8 months after the downfall of the cult)

 

Noseward: Well, brother squidward, we lost, and we lost hard.

 

Squidward: hmmmmmph.

 

Noseward: we better just give up. (Notices Squidward painting red circle on the ground) uh, Squidward, Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.

 

Squidward: Summoning Satan?

 

Noseward: Oh, I thought we were going to just sacrifice the Initiator for still being here.

 

Initiator: Help I can’t leave.

 

Squidward: Silence.

 

(Suddenly the ground begins to shake)

 

Security; Hey what’s going on I was asle-

 

(The ground rips open and fire shoots out into the sea; a tall, muscular red squid wearing battle armor emerges from the ground)

 

Squidward: Satan? Why are you a squid?

 

Satah: This is the sea, no?

 

Security: The Devil has a point.

 

Satan: Anyways, why was I summoned?

 

Initiator: I dunno, ask Squidward.

 

Squidward: Well um Mr. Satan sir, I was wondering if you could send us back to replace our past selves when the cult took over so we can reign again.

 

Satan: Sure thing. Just know time travel tends to piss off some pretty nasty people.

 

Squidward: Whatever, we want control again.

 

Satan: Fine, you’re doing this at your own risk.

 

Security: What are the risks?

 

Satan: Even I cannot predict the outcome here. Oh, and make sure to close your eyes, or you'll go blind.

 

Squidward: uh, (closes eyes) like this?

 

(A flash of white light goes off and then Squidward wakes up in his bed in his old house on the day of the invasion. His alarm clock rings and Squidward wakes up)

 

Squidward: morning already? Wait a minute- (runs to calendar, and sees it's the day of the invasion) holy *dolphin noises* it worked!

 

(Squidward changes into his cult outfit and walks outside)

 

SpongeBob: Hi Squidward!

 

Squidward: Ah yes, now I remember how this day goes.

 

SpongeBob: What?

 

Squidward: shut up.

 

Spongebob: are you ready for work, Squidward?

 

Squidward: oh great, work.

 

SpongeBob: That’s the spirit!

 

(Squidward and SpongeBob walk to work)

 

SpongeBob: Another day another dollar!

 

(Mr. Krabs comes out to great the two)

 

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy Mr. Squidward! Remember to look for any discarded Krabby patties later, we need to reuse them for tomorrow.

 

Squidward: Gotcha.

 

(Cut to later that day, Squidward leaving work)

 

Squidward: Lodge time, my favorite time. And now with my knowledge of the future, I know what I must do!

 

(Squidward gets dressed and heads to the lodge but on his way there runs into Patrick)

 

Patrick: Well hey there Squidward!

 

Squidward: What do you want insolent fo- wait this is perfect!

 

(Squidward pulls out a pair of handcuffs)

 

Squidward: Patrick we’re going to play a game called prison. You get to go “pretend” to be in jail after I “pretend” to handcuff you and drag you there!

 

Patrick: What’s with the “pretend”?

 

Squidward: Nothing!

 

Patrick: Alright!

 

(Squidward drags Patrick with him to the lodge; when he arrives, Security greets him)

 

Security: Today’s the day!

 

Squidward: I know brother. We cannot tell the others.

 

Security: Yeah, I know. I told Crayons just because he’ll be next if he snitches.

 

Squidward: Snitches get stitches.

 

Security: Oh so that’s what happened to my brother!

 

Squidward: What? Okay.

 

Security: Alright. Brother Squidward, you may pass.

 

(Squidward enters the cult and Brother E. Jackuel Ashion, the leader approaches him)

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: Brother Squidward, we weren’t expecting to see you here tonight.

 

Squidward: yeah well I decided to come anyways.

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: Very interesting.

(Later, during a cult meeting, Squidward stands up)

 

Squidward: My brothers!

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: Brother Squidward, sit down this instant!

 

Squidward: No! All this cult does is talk about how hard it is to be squids! I say it’s time for an uprising! Time for a takeover!

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: Security! Get him out of here!

 

Noseward: Wait, Brother E. Jackuel Ashion (chuckling) he’s right! It’s time for an uprising dammit!

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: NO! WE STAY AS AN UNDERGROUND CULT! THAT’S HOW IT GOES!

 

Squidward: Boys, take him to the dungeon.

 

Security: You got it boss!

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: NO! NO! NO! YOU GUYS DON’T TAKE ORDERS FROM HIM, YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM ME!

 

Buff Jim: Not anymore, brother.

 

Brother E. Jackuel Ashion: NO!

 

(Brother E. Jackuel Ashion is taken away to the dungeon and later executed as the first victim of the cult’s brutal takeover of the sea. We see a montage of Squidward leading the cult into battle against the ocean’s current leaders, easily defeating them. Many cities such as New Kelp City are invaded and evacuated to the north seas and the cult invades. Places such as the legendary Money Island and Patrickland are even invaded. The only place to not be invaded is Rock Bottom, as the cult sees no purpose in invading the city. Cut to Squidward facing off in a game of chess against the mayor of Bikini Bottom)

 

Mayor: Squidward, this is madness! If you take Bikini Bottom, you practically take the whole ocean!

 

Squidward: I know!

Mayor: So why the *dolphin noises* are we playing CHESS?!

 

Squidward: Hey! I love myself a good game of chess.

 

Mayor: Fine.

Noseward: Brother Squidward will this be much longer? I need to get home to my wife and kids.

 

Squidward: (remembers that he killed Noseward’s wife and kids to make him a more brutal person in case Squidward dies and Noseward takes over) uhhhhhhhh yeah it’s almost done.

 

Mayor: Come on, hurry up!

 

Squidward: Checkmate.

 

Mayor: DAMMIT!

 

(The mayor is dragged away to the cult’s dungeon)

 

Squidward: We’ve done it! We took control of the sea! Let’s go get DRUNK!

 

Security: (whispers into Squidward’s ear) uh sir, we burned down every brewery and wine garden in all the oceans because the people who owned them were tacky.

 

Squidward: WHAT?! THIS CANNOT BE! AHHHH!

 

(Cut to 17 months into the future, December 2019, with Brother Squidward having an odd sense of deja vu)

 

Squidward: Ah!

 

Security: What is it brother?

 

Squidward: I had this odd sense of deja vu. Oh wait, never mind, today the cult was supposed to be destroyed in an alternate future.

 

Security: Brother Squidward, please never lose that active imagination of yours.

 

(Squidward falls asleep and Satan appears to him in a dream)

 

Squidward: Huh? What are you doing here?

 

Satan: I said this was going to be happening at your own risk. I forgot to mention the price.

 

Squidward: Man, it’s been seventeen months, can you just leave me the hell alone? No pun intended, sorry Mr. Satan sir.

Satan: Squidward do you want to know what I want in return for giving you this chance?

 

Squidward: What?

 

(Satan’s eyes burn red as he triples in size and claws shoot out from his fingers, flames rise behind him)

 

Satan: YOUR SOUL.

 

(Satan reaches for Squidward but Squidward wakes up from his nightmare)

Squidward: Oh dear, I’m in big trouble now.