Cult of War

Cult of War is the first part of a three part finale for Cult of Squid season three. It was released on December 5th, 2019, after a five month hiatus.

Transcript
(Episode opens with Noseward chilling in his throne while Security feeds him grapes)

Security: Sir is this really necessary?

Noseward: Yes! It’s been months since they’ve seen us and I would like to make a kingly impression.

Security: Guess I can’t argue there:

Noseward: And they never found out how we even escaped the Flying Dutchman.

Security: Haha losers.

Noseward: Alright so we need to plan out next move against the Feathered Idiots.

Security: Yeah, but what should we do?,

Noseward: We wait for them to come to us. Get a bunch of cult members to guard around the pyramid, make sure they have the best equipment.

Security: Shall I give them enchanted iron swords?

Noseward: Yes.

(At the Glove World, the Feathered Friends and gearing up, Sandy is there too)

Sandy: I’m only helping y’all because I for one would love to finally see that cult gone.

SpongeBob: I believe we all want to see them gone. We were successfully able to put Squidward in jail months ago, now all we have to do is attack and take out the remains of the cult.

Mermaid Man: Stop the EVIL!

Patrick: Exactly.

Plankton: Hey Patrick, where did my lunch go?

(Patrick licks his lips clean)

Patrick: No clue.

Plankton: Oh, okay. I guess I’m going into the final battle without a lunch.

Barnacle Boy: Quit your complaining, we have a siege to begin!

SpongeBob: Yes. Let’s do this!

(Cut to the cult)

Security: Alright men, I want you to line up over here!

Guard 1: Uh security, question. Why are we considered a cult? Aren’t we just a militia?

Security: Shut up and take the sword. The title of cult just sounds cool.

Guard 2: Also, Squidward hasn’t appeared all season. Now what would he do in this situation?

Security: WOAH! Let’s keep it to four standing walls, okay?

(The Feathered Friends approach the pyramid)

SpongeBob: Guns ready?

Patrick: Wait didn’t we buy these from a dangerous criminal who we let escape?

Plankton: Oh shut up Patrick, you’ll be FINE. LET’S GO KILL SOME *dolphin noises* *more dolphin noises* SQUIDS!

Mermaid Man: OH NO THE EVIL IS AMONG US!

(Mermaid Man shoots a water ball at Plankton and sends him flying into the pyramid, setting off about a dozen alarms)

Plankton: Ah crap.

Barnacle Boy: Oh no, they’ve spotted us!

(A bright light shines onto the feathered friends and they are quickly surrounded by a fleet of squids)

Noseward: Bravo heroes, you’ve done it. You’ve made it to the boss round. The boss? Well obviously me. Ever since you lunatics locked Squidward away the cult has been falling apart. Luckily we had some serious inbreeding to make more.

SpongeBob: Dear god, you’re twisted.

Noseward: Am I? You three fools are the ones who went to two retired superheroes for help fighting a cult made of thousands of people alone!

SpongeBob: I mean there’s five of us.

Noseward: SHUT UP! I WILL SEE YOU ALL EXECUTED AT ONCE!

(The Initiator shows up)

The Initiator: Hey, what did I miss?

Noseward: Woah, you’ve appeared more than regular the last few months. Everything okay at home?

The Initiator: Yeah. I guess.

Noseward: Okay I really didn’t care. CULT! ATTACK!

Patrick: Well boys, it looks like this is really it. Our last stand for real this time.

(The cult begins to close in on our heroes when all of a sudden a loud YEEHAW echoes through the sea)

Noseward: Oh *dolphin noise*

Patrick: Wait what?

Mermaid Man: What approaches?

Confused Cult Member: Huh?

Sandy: THIS IS REVENGE FOR KILLING ALL MY GAL PALS NOSEWARD!

Noseward: No, it can’t be!

(Sandy shoots a harpoon into the pillar holding up the platform Noseward is standing on and pushed a button, causing a small bomb to blow up the pillar)

Noseward: Woah, WOAH!

(Noseward falls into a pile of rubble)

Sandy: ALRIGHT, NOW YOU ALL ARE ABOUT TO GET SOME!

(Two more biker chics ride in and start harpooning squids)

Mermaid Man: You know Barnacle Boy, I could really go for some calamari right now.

Random Cult Member: Wait what?

Mermaid Man: Attack the EVIL!

(Barnacle Boy kicks the cult member in the shin but discovers the member has SHIN GUARDS!)

RCM: Haha, you’ve discovered my shin guards! You fools, you shall never defeat the power of THE SHIN GUARD! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

(Mermaid Man hits RCM with a water ball and blinds him long enough for Barnacle Boy to remove his shin guards and kick him)

RCM: OH NO, MY SHINS! AHHHHHHH!

(RCM runs away, never to be seen again)

Barnacle Boy: That was weird.

(SpongeBob shoots a bunch of cult members)

SpongeBob: I love mindless violence.

Noseward: You know what, THAT’S UNFAIR! WHY DO YOU GET GUNS AND WE GET MINECRAFT SWORDS?

SpongeBob: Do you want it to be fair? Give me a sword Noseward and let’s finish this!

Patrick: Yeah!

(Patrick shoots a cult member)

Noseward: Let’s settle this yellow boy, once and for all.

(To be continued)