Granite

Transcript
(Episode opens with Granite pacing his new office and Steve drinking purple kool aid)

Granite: Steve I’m so nervous to host.

Steve: *extremely loud and obnoxious slurp* why?

Granite: Well like EB did it so good for the last three seasons and I feel like I’ll just mess it up.

Steve: *even louder longer slurp* Hey if it makes you feel better I am a mess up according to my dad so it’s all good.

Granite: How is that supp-

Steve: *SLUUUUUUUUUURP*

Granite: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Steve: YOU SAID A BAD WORD! YOU SAID A BAD WORD!

Granite: Hey the contestants are outside let’s go greet them.

Steve: *SSSSSSSLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPPPPP*

Granite: This is going to be a long season.

(Cut to the new contestants stepping out of a white van)

Purple133: Oh neat I finally get to play.

Triton: I will destroy all of you heathens!

Keanu Reeves: Chill out man.

Triton: NO!

Shitward: Guys I’m super stoned where am I?

Vanessa: Shut up we don’t appreciate your kind here.

Shitward: What?

Vanessa: Yeah that’s right.

Motlu: Yes.

Granite: GUYS SHUT UP. Let’s get to your first challenge!

Keanu: Well what is it?

Granite: I’m getting there. For the start of our all newbies fourth season, we’re going to have one partner stand by a cannon, and the other collecting coconuts to power the cannon up. Once you have enough coconuts, you will fire your partner. Whoever fires their partner the furthest wins and will nominate the first two duos to be up for elimination via public vote on Evicted!

Triton: Well how do we know when it’s enough you crusty ass rock looking piece of shit?

Granite: I hate you already. You need to guess.

Triton: Not fair!

Steve: Ready?

Triton: NO!

Steve: Oh yeah, decide who will be collecting and who will be firing the cannon.

(Everybody decides)

Granite: So collecting coconuts we have Sully, Shicowa, HBRS, Vanessa, Triton, Keanu, Grandpa SquarePants, and Gale Doppler.

Gale Doppler: That’s the name, don’t wear it out.

Granite: And in the cannons, Shitward, Eugene, Girly Teengirl, Purple133, Mindy, Motlu, Jenkins, and Perch.

Steve: Are you ready? Go!

(Grandpa SquarePants sprints ahead of the coconut collectors at an insane speed, HBRS and Triton follow close behind)

Grandpa SquarePants: If my grandson can win this game, so can I!

(Grandpa SquarePants returns to Jenkins with the coconuts)

Jenkins: Just call me Jenkins because I just had a surgery to restore my physical strength!

Motlu: KEANU DON’T LET YOURSELF BE BEATEN BY RIDICULOUSLY ATHLETIC GRANDFATHERS!

Keanu’s Reeves: I won’t!

(Keanu returns with a whole bunch of coconuts and stars loading them into the cannon to fire Motlu)

Keanu Reeves: Let’s hope this is enough energy!

(Keanu fires Motlu into space)

Motlu: ah shit not again…

(Back on earth)

Granite: It appears we have lost contact with Motlu. Steve, can you enchant some armor and go get him?

Steve: You got it!

(Steve enchants his armor to go get Motlu)

Steve: Lemme go get the rocket.

Granite: Amazing. Oh hey, the challenge is done!

Jenkins: WHO WON GODDAMMIT IT’S BEEN TEN MINUTES!

Granite: Oh, um, lemme check.

(Granite gets out a really long measuring tape and measures the landing spots for the contestants)

Granite: I guess Jenkins and Grandpa SquarePants win this round! They’ll nominate somebody when we get b-

Steve: (riding rocket that’s gone off course and hits the entire Evicted mansion) OH NO WE’RE HEADING INTO SPACE!

Granite: Wait where are we right now that allows both underwater creatures and humans to be alive simultaneously?

Steve: Beats me.

(The rocket carries the mansion on top of it into outer space; the mansion detached and begins to drift through space, the moon goes by)

Steve: (gets out of rocket as it goes in the opposite direction) okay I think I’ll be fine. Oh that’s right you guys can’t breathe.

Mindy: Well I can because I’m magical!

Steve: Can you make it so that the others can breathe?

Granite: (suffocating) please.

Steve: What?

Granite: (suffocating) please make it so we can breathe.

Steve: I can’t!

Mindy: I can!

(Mindy makes it breathable again)

Mindy: Alright everybody it’s breathable.

Granite: Let’s just get to the nomination ceremony.

Steve: Can I host it?

Granite: Sure.

(Cut to the nomination ceremony)

Steve: Alright buff grandpas, nominate two duos for elimination!

Girly Teengirl: Wait elimination? People get eliminated here?

Vanessa: How long have YOU been here?

Jenkins: We’ll nominate Gale Doppler and Perch Perkins for being annoying.

Gale Doppler: I’m GALE DOPPLER YOU STRAND OF SPAGHETTI!

Grandpa SquarePants: Also, we nominate Vanessa and Purple because they’re weird and human.

Steve: Well you heard it here first guys, go vote for one of the two duos to be up for elimination by their fellow cast mates!