The Ballad of Mona Lisa

This is the third episode of Patrick's Playground.

(Episode begins with Patrick walking inside the Bikini Bottom museum)

Patrick: Ooh. Ahh. Ooooooooh, what's this?

Security guard: My nose. (pushes his hand away)

Patrick: And what's this?

Security guard: My hat. (pushes Patrick away)

Patrick: Oof. Ohohohohoh, there she is. The Mona Lisa…. It's so beautiful I wanna touch it. But I can't. Or can I?

(the security guard sees a burglar attempt to steal a precious jewel, and chases after him)

Patrick: Now's the perfect opportunity to touch it! (makes girly noises) Touch! (a slight smear appears on the painting) Uhh… Touch? (the smear gets worse, and he attempts to fix it, but ruins the whole painting) Oh no, this is really, really bad. Worse than that time I brushed my pants instead of my teeth! I don't want that happening again!

(he puts his whole body against the Mona Lisa)

SpongeBob: Hiya Patrick, watcha doin' there? Hanging out?

Patrick: Uh hi SpongeBob, I had no idea you even existed until just now, how convenient. I'm gonna go wash my painting- I mean hair!

SpongeBob: Good luck with that then. (walks off)

Patrick: Phew. That was close.

Squidward: These paintings are fascinating, but nowhere near my artistic abilities.

Patrick: (gulps and stays put)

Squidward: (glances around) Huh? Hmm, I smell nitwit. (sniffs) A ha! A stupid starfish! What the hell are you doing in that exact spot?

Patrick: This is my secret spot.

Squidward: Uh huh. And what are you hiding?

Patrick: Uhhh… (attempts to knock Squidward out with a karate chop, but fails)

Squidward: Is that.. The Mona Lisa?! Patrick, that thing was worth MILLIONS, and you're gonna have to pay for the damages!

Patrick: Oh no! I can't do that, I don't even have a cashier job! Why can't you do it?

Squidward: Because I have more than enough IQ points to know not to touch priceless paintings.

Patrick: Well if it's so priceless, why is it worth millions, huh? Answer me!

Squidward: It's just a… anyways, I'm telling the authorities about this. Staying put will not help at all, hear me?

Patrick: Uh huh.

(15 minutes later… he's still there)

Squidward: Here he is, sirs. The perpetrator himself.

Patrick: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Morning officers, how about them republicans?

Guards: We're democrats, not republicans. Anyways, move so we can observe the damages you caused.

Patrick: No no no! Never. (he gets pulled away by a crane)

Guard 1: (gasps) I've never seen anything like this- he's getting away!

Guard 2: Calling 911!

Patrick: Oh no! Oh no no no! They're calling the popo on lil' old me!

Squidward: Karma is a beach, Patrick! And not the relaxing kind!

Patrick: Shut up, Squidward, you aren't helping!

(the guards are now surrounding Patrick)

Guard 1: You are now surrounded! Give up!

Patrick: NEVER!

Guard 2: He said the magic word. Let's go get money from some black fish or something.

Guard 4: Best idea ever! (they then realize he's black, and the others start beating him up) Please, Neptune have mercy!

Patrick: (winks)

Squidward: (sighs) Everyone is a racist. (episode ends as Squidward chokes on a fly)