Not Who They Seam

Not Who They Seam is the twentieth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, the twentieth episode of season one, and the season finale of season one. In this episode, Grandma SquarePants has been nominated for the Sewing and Knitting Competition of Bikini Bottom, for they believe she is the best knitter in Bikini Bottom. While competing in the competition, she meets her life long foe: Julia Knitbest, the best knitter of the early '70's. Can Grandma SquarePants win against such a foe? This episode is paired with In Between Jobs.

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Linda SquarePants/Grandma SquarePants (debut)
 * Julia Knitbest/Female Fish 1 (debut)
 * Gus/Elderly Male Fish (debut)
 * Male Fish 1
 * Female Fish 1
 * Announcer (debut)

Transcript

 * [episode begins with Patrick Star at Grandma SquarePants' house]
 * Patrick: [laughs] Oh, SpongeBob's sister. You always tell the funniest of jokes. [laughs; sips tea] Ah...and the best of soda.
 * Grandma SquarePants: Uh...thank you. Though I haven't told any jokes, yet. [holds up tea cup] And this is hot tea, not soda. But as long as you think of me as SpongeBob's sister, stay as long as you like...whoever you are.
 * SpongeBob: [walks into room] How are my two favorite...uh...fish doing?
 * Patrick: Fine, I guess. It's kind of...drafty in here.
 * SpongeBob: What do you mean? You're drinking hot tea.
 * Patrick: Not the way I'm using it.
 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob and Patrick chuckle] Oh yeah. You got that special way of drinking beverages. Isn't that where you take the cup and you shove...
 * Patrick: No, not this time.
 * SpongeBob: Oh. Then, I don't want to know. [looks at Grandma SquarePants] Grandma, what are you doing?
 * GS: [camera cuts to Grandma SquarePants, knitting ferociously] I always knit like this, SpongeBob. It's my favorite pass-time. I've been loving it ever since...well...I first looked at a thread and needle. You know...
 * Patrick: [interrupting] You know what I know. I know that there is some [air quotes] lovely backstory to this...uh...tale, but, why is your grandmother knitting like a...
 * SpongeBob: It's just how she does it, Patrick. She's been like this ever since she was forced to retire.
 * GS: [knitting] There's not much to do when you have twenty-three hours of free time in one whole day.
 * SpongeBob: Twenty-three hours? What happens to the other hour?
 * GS: [standing up] Wasting it spending time with you two chatterboxes, getting in the way of my knitting time. [kicks SpongeBob out of house; calmly] I love you, grandson. [begins attempting to kick Patrick out] Why isn't this working?!
 * Patrick: [scoffs] Elders. [walks out of house]
 * GS: And stay out! [slams door; feels head; sighs] Calm yourself, Linda. You know that you need to relax during the day. [walks to sewing table] All I need is this table, this needle, and thread? [shuffles for thread] Where's my thread?
 * Patrick: [slurps in thread] I think the string is setting in. [walks out of door]
 * Linda: Well, [smiles] that was just one spool of thread. [looks back to see Patrick, eating another spool] Get out of my house! [sound blows Patrick out of scene; gathers thread] Some people just don't understand the value of thread. [walks to coffee table; picks up magazine] Maybe I can lose myself in some of my reading. Sometimes I just need to get away from knitting...by reading knitting catalogs! [opens catalog; points to thread spool] Wowza! A vintage Crystal Spool 1000 with an automatic thread releaser! There's only a couple thousand of these in the entire ocean! I hear that they're all owned by Spool and Thread Inc! [reads fine print] Only sold by Spool and Thread Inc. Of course.
 * SpongeBob: [runs into house] Hey, Grandma, what are you reading? [looks over Linda's shoulder to look at magazine] Is that an out-of-date catalog?
 * Linda: How did you get back in here?!
 * SpongeBob: The bond of some grandma-grandson time is too strong to resist. Plus I have this nifty mat key. [holds up key]
 * Linda: [sighs] Well, if you must know, [smiles] I am looking at some of the greatest knitting supplies known to fish!
 * SpongeBob: Uh huh. So...you're bored, I'm guessing.
 * Linda: [whines] Yes! Yes I am. [grips magazine] You have no idea how hard it is not being able to do anything all day! [whines; sighs] I guess I'll never be active again. I knew I should have taken that aerobics class!
 * SpongeBob: [seen flipping through magazine, obviously paying no attention to Linda] Uh huh, yeah, that's great. [flips through pages] This is some good stuff! Ooh! A Patty Flipper 3000 with dual-stage attachments?! Amazing! It would be cooler if I didn't already have one.
 * Linda: Give me that! You're wasting my time! [snatches back magazine] I just wish I had something to do this particular Wednesday afternoon.
 * SpongeBob: [reaches over Linda; begins flipping through magazine pages with finger] I think I saw something for your certain problem. [turns to page with a picture of a pencil]
 * Linda: How is a pencil going to solve all of my problems?
 * SpongeBob: [points under Linda's chin] Read the small print. [points on page]
 * Linda: SpongeBob, your finger is covering the small print. [pushes finger off gently] Gosh, this is small. [extends eye; turns eye as if as a lense] Hmm...it says "If you are looking for something to do on a particular day, go to the sewing contest today". Hmm, straight to the point. [holds up finger] This could be just the thing I need! SpongeBob! Ready the sewing supplies! It's time for me to feel twenty years younger! [stands up in triumph] SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: [appears next to Patrick, who is chugging down spools of thread] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
 * Linda: [sighs; leans over] I wonder if it's too late to sign up for aerobics. [begins walking out of scene]
 * [scene cuts to a large building; hundreds of elderly fish are knitting away with their own thread and fabric; Linda SquarePants enters the building with a basket of fabric]
 * Linda: [sighs] Finally, a place to sew without...[coughs] interference.
 * Elderly Fish 1: That's what you think. You can't even reach for a piece of thread without someone knocking over your fabric basket. [reaches for basket; shoe kicks over fabric basket] Hey!
 * Linda: [camera reveals Linda's foot, which knocked over the basket] Whoops.
 * [scene cuts to an empty table, where Linda sets her knitting basket down and takes out her needles]
 * Linda: [picks up needle] Time to...create! [looks at nearby menu-like poster] What's this? "The Bikini Bottom annual Sewing and Knitting Competition is looking for new nominees for their competition. In order to enlist, you must create each of the following in the list below". [looks at list] Well, this shouldn't be too hard. [sighs in relief; sigh knocks down the list, causing a long list to unfold onto the table] Once again...not too hard. [list drops one more slot] Oh come on!
 * Elderly Female Fish 1: Don't worry, miss. It's not that bad. I've been doing this my whole life.
 * Linda: Really? Competing in the competition all your life?
 * Elderly Female Fish 1: No. [holds up list] On this list all my life. [walks away]
 * Linda: [suddenly sweating] Okay. Don't get yourself worked up, Linda. [wipes sweat] You're not going to spend the rest of your life on this one list, right? [one last slot drops from list] You have got to be kidding me! How many slots are there?! [one more slot slips down] I had to ask.
 * [scene cuts to Linda, holding a basket of thread, staring at the list]
 * Linda: Don't worry, Linda. [holds up needle] You can do this! [throws needle into wall; wraps thread around the needle; retracts thread] Irritated fabric...step one. [throws needles with thread at the ends; strums the thread] More irritated! [holding vase] Is this yours, Mr. Fabric?
 * Fabric Piece: [nods head]
 * Linda: Perfect. [throws vase into a thread basket, breaking it] Whoops. No. I really mean whoops.
 * Elderly Male Fish: Hey! [points to basket] Why does everyone keep knocking down my basket?
 * Fabric Piece: [hisses]
 * Linda: I know that was your one good vase.
 * Fabric Piece: [hisses]
 * Linda: Irritated enough. Step [holds up two fins] two: Ready artillery! [presses button on sewing machine, causing the needle to vibrate emmensly] Man your stations! [throws needles into ground and into the wall; fabric on ends intersect] Initiating step [holds up two fins and a foot; slips down] three. Oof! My back! [stands up] Time to utilize the artillery! [hops to sewing machine; begins placing thread toward the oscillating needle] Seems to be working normally...[gets sucked into the machine; comes out needled into a piece of clothing; pops up, wearing a sweater] Finally. A sweater. [picks up list] What else is there? [reads list] That's it?! Oh, come on!
 * Elderly Male Fish: [walks up] Yep. You'd be surprised how much you can get done with your basket of fabric knocked over. Hint...[hissingly] hint.
 * Male Fish 1: [holding a microphone] It looks like we have a tie between...some elderly guy, and [gasps in surprise] Linda SquarePants?! Is that really you?!
 * Linda: [awkwardly] Yesss. Why are you asking? How do you know me?
 * Male Fish 1: Are you serious?! You're the best in all of Bikini Bottom.
 * Linda: Best? In Bikini Bottom? At what?
 * Male Fish 1: Isn't she a kidder, folks? Everyone knows that you're the greatest at knitting! You know, since the Great Knitting Competition of '63.
 * Linda: Really? The best knitter?
 * Male Fish 1: That's right. But, you need to defend your title. You and this...elderly guy here...
 * Elderly Male Fish: It's Gus.
 * Male Fish 1: ...Are tied at one sweater.
 * Linda: My next move exactly! [leaps back] Oof! My back! [begins to pull on the intersecting needle threads, causing multiple sweaters to be created] Now who wins?
 * Male Fish 1: I guess the answer's clear, ladies and gentlemen. The winner of the competition is: Linda RectanglePants.
 * Linda: It's SquarePants.
 * Male Fish 1: If you think I wanted to remember names, then why do you think I'm here and not at some corporate business. [walks away]
 * [scene cuts to Linda, inside of a large building, walking around with a basket of thread]
 * Linda: Whoa. The sewing competition really pulled out all of the stops for decorations this year. Not to mention the venue. [sniffs in air] Ah. The smell of thread. [sniffs] And some other, unruly and unexplainable smells I probably don't want to know the source of.
 * Female Fish 1: [in shock] Stop the presses! Stop the presses! No. Literally, stop the presses. Those cameras are blinding me.
 * Linda: [turns around] You can go guys. [press walks away] Whoa. I didn't think that would work.
 * Female Fish 1: So, you're the real deal, huh? The real Linda SquarePants?
 * Linda: That's me.
 * Female Fish 1: Whoa. I thought I would never be in your prescence again, Ms. SquarePants.
 * Linda: Again?
 * Female Fish 1: I was one of the contestants at the '63 competition.
 * Linda: Oh. You don't seem familiar, though, but it was nice catching up with you. [walks away]
 * Female Fish 1: [to self; evilly] Yes. Nice indeed.
 * Announcer: It's time to start the competition. Get ready to knit!
 * Linda: This is it. [walks to knitting table] It's time to do some warm-ups. [hip-twists twice] Okay, we're ready. Whoo. Those warm-ups really get your body prepared. [picks up two needles] Time to do this like fifty years ago.
 * Announcer: On your seams, get set, knit!
 * Linda: [begins rapidly throwing her arms around, rapidly sewing different types of clothes] Must...win...competition!
 * Announcer 2: Look at this! Look at this! Look at that! Linda is taking the lead, and Julia not coming far behind.
 * Linda: Hmm...I better evade that Julia. I better step up my game. [fire begins rising from hands] Let's see her do this.
 * Female Fish 1: Come on. I've got to do this! I've got to win this! [speeds up hands]
 * Announcer: The competition is coming close! Julia and Linda are neck-and-neck! Who will win this constantly heating-up contest.
 * Linda: It has to be me. This is the only thing I have to do all day.
 * Female Fish 1: It has to be me! This is the only way to take down my enemy!
 * Announcer: Only ten seconds left in the game! Nine, eight, seven...
 * Linda: This is it!
 * Female Fish 1: This is it! This is my chance!
 * Announcer: Three, two...
 * Female Fish 1: [throws thread at Linda's leg; pulls thread back, slipping Linda] Take that!
 * Announcer: One...[sounds buzzer] Uh oh, ladies and gentlemen. It seems that Linda has just been thrown to the ground by Julia.
 * Linda: Well that wasn't nice. Why would someone do this? [stands up] No one has done that to me except for...
 * Julia: Possibly me?
 * Linda: [turns around] Julia Knitbest, my rival from the sewing circle back at Coral State. You never were as good as I was, Julia. No wonder you're so zealous to earn the winning title.
 * Julia: Which I successfully did, Linda. No matter how zealous I was, I could never win against you. But finally, I not only won against you. I have...[holds up fists] conquered you!
 * Linda: I may be old, but even my bifocals can see that this sewing circle isn't big enough for the two of us. [spins needles in both hands; pins them into dress pockets]
 * Julia: Ha! [takes out thread and forms lasso] Then let's even it out. [throws lasso hole around Linda] I think you remember the Sour Sweater.
 * [Julia turns Linda around, wrapping her in lasso thread; Julia proceeds to throw the thread around forming a sweater around Linda; lifts Linda with thread using pole; unravels thread, causing Grandma to fall hard to the ground]
 * Linda: You think you've bested me, Knitbest? [takes out needles] Think again. [throws needles at Julia, pinning her to the wall] You seem a little...caught up. [needles explode, releasing thread, pinning Julia to the wall]
 * Julia: [grins] Never fight an enemy with his own weapon. [lifts arm and takes out needle, ripping self out of thread] Rookie mistake, Linda.
 * Announcer: Things are getting round in the sewing circle. Hold onto your hats, fans. This may be more than just a sewing competition.
 * Linda: [gasps; reaches for needles, only to see they are not there] Oh no. I'm out of ammo! [wrapped inside a thread cacoon]
 * Julia: That's right! You've made this too easy, Linda! I'm going to take you down, and then, everyone else at the finals! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, entering the stadium]
 * SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick. I'm telling you that my grandmother is in here!
 * Patrick: Okay. Okay. Fine, whatever. [mouth waters] I'm just here for the thread.
 * SpongeBob: Not now. I think we missed the competition. We have to find my grandmother. [turns around; sees Patrick has disappeared] Patrick? Patrick?
 * [scene cuts back to Julia and Linda]
 * Linda: Why do you hate me so much, Julia? What have I ever done to you?
 * Julia: Don't act like you don't know! You should be able to remember how you actually lodged a needle right into a dress, causing...[whispers] the rip. A rip so large, it ruined the four hundred dollar dress. I disliked you since that day.
 * Linda: Oh come on. You can't keep me in here forever just because of that.
 * Julia: Oh yes I can! And, once again, there's nothing you can do to stop me! I thought I made that clear.
 * [camera cuts to show Patrick, eating through the thread cacoon]
 * Julia: This plan was too easy. Who knew that you, Linda SquarePants, could be so vunerable?!
 * Linda: That's where you're wrong, Knitbest! I may be vunerable now, but how about when the thread...[breaks out of thread] comes off. [throws thread around Julia; picks up Linda and throws her into a large thread basket] I think that she's in her place.
 * SpongeBob: Grandma, there you are! How did the competition go?
 * Linda: Sadly, my dear grandson, I...
 * Announcer: And the winner is Linda SquarePants! [hands Linda the winning trophy] Congratulations, Linda SquarePants! You have won the Sewing and Knitting Competition of Bikini Bottom! What are you going to do next?
 * Linda: [thinks] I'm...
 * Announcer: Don't say it. Nobody really cares. [walks away]
 * Linda: Well, back to the knitting catalogs, I guess. [holds up thread spool] Good thing I ordered another spool of thread.
 * Patrick: Are you going to finish that? [slurps in some thread]
 * Linda: Oh no you don't, Patrick!
 * Patrick: Geez, SpongeBob. The pressure is already going to your sister's head.
 * Linda: Ooh. Thank you. [hands spool of thread to Patrick] Eat all you want.
 * Patrick: Pressure's good! [slurps in thread]
 * SpongeBob: Chug chug chug!
 * [episode ends]