Seventy Things Squidward Hates About Squilliam Fancyson

Seventy Five Things Squidward Hates About Squilliam Fancyson:

1. His snobbery

2. The way he flaunts his wealth

3. And his fame

4. And his body

5. But mostly his wealth and fame

6. His self-satisfied laugh

7. His nervous laugh

8. His laugh right before he starts crying

9. His laugh when something strikes him as funny

10. Or when someone tickles him

11. Not so much on his stomach or his feet, but right at the base of his neck. It’s actually more of a squeal than a laugh

12. The blobby birthmark beneath his bellybutton. The one he claims looks like a heart, but actually looks more like a deformed lima bean

13. The way he rolls his Rs when he’s overly pleased with himself

14. The look he gives me when he knows he’s right

15. The look he gives me when he knows I’m right

16. The look he gives me when he’s afraid I might not want him anymore

17. The look he gives me when I unintentionally hurt him

18. The look he gives me when I intentionally cheer him up

19. I meant unintentionally. When I UNintentionally cheer him up. Because I certainly wouldn’t waste my time cheering him up purposefully

20. The fact that he’s ambidextrous

21. The way he can curl onto the couch as though he’s insubstantial, bundled under a blanket with that lost-puppy expression he tends to get when he thinks no one’s noticing.

22. Not that I would ever notice, because I hate him too much to care

23. His overzealous sexual appetite

24. Which isn’t limited to any set race, gender, age, species, or … well, anything

25. The way he mentally recites the alphabet whenever he doesn’t want to hear something, but his face looks calm, so no one can ever tell when he’s upset or tuning you out

26. The way he always remembers the things I said/believed/did in high school, even though I forgot them moments after they happened

27. The fact that he was so damn popular in high school

28. But he doesn’t have a best friend

29. Or any friends, if you ask him

30. Even though he’s almost never alone

31. Because he fears abandonment, even if he hates clinginess

32. The fact that asymmetry bothers him

33. Which is probably why his unibrow is so neatly trimmed

34. In fact, I hate his unibrow

35. Especially the way it bunches slightly when he’s confused

36. I especially hate the way he hogs the blankets

37. And cuddles

38. But only when he’s asleep

39. I hate the way his nose wrinkles when he’s disgusted

40. And the way his eyes widen when he’s surprised

41. And sparkle when he’s pleased

42. I doubt my eyes ever sparkle

43. The way his body matches mine perfectly

44. And the way he fits perfectly inside me

45. And I fit perfectly inside him

46. (because god forbid he even be consistent with dominating-why does he always make ME do everything?)

47. The scared little face he gets right before I fuck him

48. As if he thinks I might actually hurt him this time

49. The almost-pained expression he makes when he cums

50. The way he tastes

51. The fact that he tastes better than I do

52. And yes, I’m including jizz in that category

53. Not that I’ve ever eaten my own jizz to verify this fact

54. Or, uh, his either

55. …

56. The way he leaves after we fuck and I worry that he won’t come back

57. The fact that he always, always comes back

58. The fact that lately he’s been staying longer than usual

59. And not just for the sex, either

60. The fact that he can’t cook worth shit

61. And isn’t the kind of guy to make someone breakfast in bed

62. But would happily order in, if we were staying at his house

63. Except we almost never are at his house

64. Because he both loves and loathes his wealth

65. The fact that we live vicariously through one another

66. The way he humiliates me in front of his friends

67. The fact that this doesn’t even bother me any longer

68. Because at least he’s talking about me at all

69. The sound his feet make on my linoleum

70. The sound his body makes against my mattress