Squid Wood Remade

One Coarse Remade is the second episode for SpongeBob Remade.

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Plot
A wooden statue of Squidward comes to life.

Transcript
(Opens at Squidward’s house.)

Squidward: Oh, I hope I can finish this statue before work. (Is seen sculpting a statue. All of a sudden, laughing is heard.) Oh, what the… (looks outside window.)

SpongeBob: Patrick, watch this! (blows giant bubble which picks up SpongeBob’s house and drops it down.)

Patrick: Whoa, that was amazing!

Squidward: No, that was not amazing!

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! Do you want to play with us?

Squidward: No, I will not play with you! My life is horrible because of you two! Why can’t you do something that’ll make my life better instead of cause me misery?!

Patrick: So was that a yes?

Squidward: No! (closes window.) Oh crap, work starts soon! I’ve gotta finish my statue fast! (sculpts really fast and a giant wooden statue of Squidward is seen.) My statue is finally finished. Oh, how I wish you could come to life. We could have at least one more person with a normally functioning brain in this city. (Outside, a shooting star can be seen passing by. Squidward’s watch beeps.) Oh great, now I gotta go to work. (the statue’s eyes turn red.)

Statue: Hi. My name is Squid Wood. Squidward: Whoa! You’re alive.

Squid Wood: Yes, I am and guess what.

Squidward: What?

Squid Wood: (picks up Squidward) I am going to shove you in my mouth and replace you and as I live your life, you will spend your life in my stomach.

Squidward: Wait! You don’t want to replace me!

Squid Wood: Why not?

Squidward: My life sucks. Living my life is worst than watching every episode of Breadwinners!

Squid Wood: How so?

Squidward: Well, I live with two retards, I work at a fast-food restaurant, I have…

Squid Wood: Your life already sounds better than mine! As a statue, all I do is stand in one place. My mind is made up, I’m replacing you. (puts Squidward in mouth and walks outside.)

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!

Squid Wood: It works, people actually think I’m Squidward. Hi, uh…

SpongeBob: SpongeBob.

Squid Wood: Oh yeah, SpongeBob!

Squidward: (from Squid Wood’s stomach.) Help!

SpongeBob: Did you hear that?

Squid Wood: Uh, no! Let’s go to work. (walks.)

SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward, work is that way.

Squid Wood: Oh yeah! (walks with SpongeBob to work. Scene cuts to Krusty Krab.) May I take your order?

Nat: I’ll have one Krabby Patty.

Squid Wood: Okay. This is easier than I thought.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, why are you standing around here?! There’s used condoms all over the bathroom!

Squid Wood: Okay.

Mr. Krabs: Get rid of them!

Squid Wood: Okay! (scene cuts to bathroom.) Okay, since these balloon thingies are all over the ground, I guess they are condoms. (picks up condoms and sniff.) They smell good! Well, looks like I’m all done! (Evelyn and Nat are seen walking into a stall.)

Evelyn: Let’s have some fun. (takes off bra and then closes the bathroom door. Moaning is heard and comes out of bathroom leaving their condom behind.)

Nat: That was amazing!

Squid Wood: One more! (picks up condom.) There, all done! (leaves bathroom.) Oh, Mr. Red Guy, I’m done!

Mr. Krabs: Whoa. Good job, laddy. I guess. I’ve never seen you this happy. Hmm, something is going on here.

Squid Wood: Uhhh…

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, our shift is over! Squid Wood: Yeah, see you tomorrow! (leaves Krusty Krab with SpongeBob and walks home. Scene cuts to morning at SpongeBob’s house.)

SpongeBob: It’s time for another great day! (runs to Patrick’s house and knocks on door.)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! (Squid Wood comes outside.) Hey, Squidward!

Squid Wood: Hi!

Squidward: Help!

SpongeBob: What was that?!

Squid Wood: Uh, nothing.

Squidward: Listen to me! That’s not really Squidward! That’s a statue of mine that somehow came to life! I’m really inside his stomach!

Squid Wood: No, don’t listen to that! That was just… my stomach growling!

SpongeBob: Enough! The jig is up! I know you aren’t Squidward!

Squid Wood: Even if I aren’t Squidward, you can’t do anything about it! You are just one pathetic sponge and stupid starfish. You’re idiots, losers and weenies.

Patrick: Weenie?! How dare you! (punches Squid Wood and nothing happens.)

Squid Wood: See, you can’t do anything.

SpongeBob: I guess you’re right. We can’t defeat you.

Squid Wood: (laughs evilly.) And since you know my little secret, you two can see your friend, Squidward! (opens mouth and shoves SpongeBob and Patrick inside.)

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward.

Squidward: Hey. We’re trapped here forever. Just when I thought when my life couldn’t get worst.

SpongeBob: For once, I agree. (just then a bubble blowing pack falls out of SpongeBob’s pocket.) Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea. (takes bubble pack and opens it and takes the bubble wand out.)

Squidward: You’re blowing a bubble at a time like this?

SpongeBob: Wait, just watch. (blows a giant bubble that’s making Squid Wood’s stomach bigger.)

Squid Wood: Wait, what’s happening?! (SpongeBob continues to blow until Squid Wood blows up.)

Squidward: SpongeBob, Patrick? You saved me.

SpongeBob: Does that mean you’ll play with us? (Squidward looks at SpongeBob and Patrick and is smiling for once. SpongeBob and Patrick are smiling back at him.)

Squidward: No! (goes to his house and slams the door.)

SpongeBob: It’s great to have the old Squidward back.

Patrick: Yeah.