Ignore-Amus

Ignore-Amus is the twenty-sixth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the sixth episode of season two. In this episode, Sandy's cousin visits Bikini Bottom. In an attempt for him to leave, she hides herself underground with SpongeBob, yet fails. Sadly, Amus's cousin is conman, and in several attempts, all of which succeed, to convince be to do his bidding. Will Sandy find a way to put his conman ways to a close, or will she fall victim to his cons? This episode is paired with Breaking and Softening.

Transcript

 * [episode begins at SpongeBob's pineapple; SB is riding on top of Gary to the mailbox]
 * SpongeBob: Mush onward, Gary! We're almost there. [Gary turns to the right] Look out for that rock, Gary! [Gary jumps over the rock; SpongeBob wipes head] Whoo. Close one. [Gary crashes into mailbox]
 * Gary: [shakes head; throws SpongeBob off] Meow meow meow! [slugs away]
 * SpongeBob: What do you mean you don't get paid enough for thos? The ride costs fifty cents...which I never pay. If you don't want me, then you might want to get another driver. [opens mailbox]
 * Gary: [slugs back to SpongeBob, curiously] Meow meow meow?
 * SpongeBob: [takes out contents] Let's see. [throws away all of the envelopes] Just a bunch of bills and court summons. [finds note glued to hand] Huh? What's this? [takes note off of hand] It's from Sandy. [reads note] "Dear SpongeBob,"
 * [Sandy's voice takes over as narration, reading the note]
 * Sandy: [voice-over] "...I thought you might throw away your mail. I need you for something important. Come to my treedome and stand exactly five feet from the back door. No time to explain. Also, this note will explode, yet I don't know when."
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] This is terrible! [points to bottom of letter] She didn't say sincerely.
 * Gary: Meow!
 * SpongeBob: You're right, Gary. [points firmly upward] I shall go to Sandy's house! She needs to learn how to end her letters! [runs into distance]
 * Gary: [shrugs shoulders] Meow meow ma-meow ma-meow. [subtitles read: "Whatever gets you to her house quicker, I guess"]
 * [scene cuts to Sandy's treedome; SB is walking around the treedome; he is walking to the back]
 * SpongeBob: Hmm. Five feet behind the treedome, eh? [thinks; looks left then right] Does she mean north, south, or east?
 * Sandy: [offscreen; muffled] North!
 * SpongeBob: [looks around] Who said that?! [looks at map] Was that you, magical talking map? You need to help me. I know you told me that I need to go south, but now I'm confused.
 * Sandy: [offscreen; muffled, obviously annoyed] What is it?!
 * SpongeBob: Well, you said it was five feet, but what measure of feet?
 * Sandy: [offscreen; muffled, obviously angered] What measure of feet?!
 * SpongeBob: Yeah. Do you mean statue feet or nautical feet?
 * Sandy: [arms come out of ground] Oh, would you just...?! [drags SpongeBob below the ground]
 * SpongeBob: Ah! Ah! [Sandy's finger is placed over his mouth] What's going on, Sandy?
 * Sandy: [whispers] Shh. I'll explain in a second. [looks above sand carefully; crawls back down] We're hiding from...him.
 * SpongeBob: [shrugs shoulders] Him?
 * Sandy: My cousin, Amus. We're hiding from him down here until he leaves.
 * SpongeBob: Why?
 * Sandy: He's not exactly the best person to be with. He'll steal your watch if he doesn't steal your happiness first.
 * SpongeBob: So...he's a conman?
 * Sandy: Precisely, so you and I are going to wait down here until he leaves. Shouldn't be too long until he's lured by something valuable on a fish walking by.
 * SpongeBob: But Sandy, I think that he'll be able to detect us down here.
 * Sandy: How so?
 * SpongeBob: Well, on the map, it claimed we had to be five feet from your house, but we're four feet, eleven inches. [points to map] This map is inaccurate.
 * Sandy: The map! [grabs map] SpongeBob, why did you bring it down here?!
 * SpongeBob: What's the matter?
 * Sandy: The map can explode at any time! Who knows when it will...[map begins beeping] of course. [map explodes]
 * [an abundance of dust covers the screen; the dust clears up, revealing SpongeBob and Sandy to be unscathed, yet coughing]
 * SpongeBob: [coughs] We survived!
 * Sandy: And so did the hole! [looks around] Now hopefully Amus didn't hear or see the explosion.
 * Amus: [offscreen] Oh, I did. [rises up between SpongeBob and Sandy] I was here all along. This hole was easy to detect, too. Who puts a hole four feet, eleven inches from their house? I would've gone with five. That way, I wouldn't know to use statue or nautical feet.
 * Sandy: [picks up remote; presses button; all three are lifted out of the hole and onto the surface] What are you doing here, Amus?!
 * Amus: Like you didn't know I was coming. [laughs] And can't I drop in anytime to visit an old cousin of mine.
 * Sandy: The only thing getting old is your act, Amus. [begins pushing Amus away] You best be on your way, Amus.
 * Amus: But I just got here, Sandy.
 * Sandy: [stops pushing] Which is three days too long. Now get out of here before I call the police...again.
 * Amus: [rubs arm] Well, I wouldn't say that the police came down that time.
 * Sandy: You're right. It wasn't the police. [holds up fingers] It was the police, the SWAT team, and the Oceanic Law Enforcement Bureau.
 * SpongeBob: [begins walking away] I can see that we have a little...family feud here. So, I am going to come back later...unless the SWAT team comes here. Gary has some [air quotes] "issues" with them.
 * Sandy: That might be the best thing to do, SpongeBob. [points to SpongeBob] But let me warn you. Amus is a conman, and he'll do anything he can to trick you. Stay away from him.
 * Amus: [steps in front of Sandy] I don't know if you guys noticed, but I'm still here. [waves hand] See. Taking up the space between you two.
 * SpongeBob: [rubs chin] Hmm. How do I know that "taking up the space" means that you are about to steal something from one of us?
 * Amus: [turns around; makes grumbling sound] Shh. Did you hear that? [makes grumbling sound again] My tummy is rumbling up a storm. It's so hard to con on an empty stomach.
 * SpongeBob: Empty stomach, eh? [snaps fingers] Got it! How would you like to fill your stomach at the best restaurant in town?
 * Amus: And what restaurant would that be?
 * SpongeBob: Not I really do know that you're new in town. [throws up arms] Why, it's none other than the Krusty Krab!
 * Amus: Krusty Krab, huh? I guess the name of a suit doesn't judge the tailor.
 * Sandy: Wait, what?
 * Amus: I'm saying let's get going! I'm starving!
 * Sandy: You guys can run along. [walks to treedome] I have an invention to work on, yet I'll catch up later.
 * Amus: Not without running shoes, you're not. [begins laughing hysterically; follows SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab]
 * [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab dining area; SpongeBob, with his hat on, walks into the restaurant with Amus]
 * SpongeBob: Here we are. The place I was telling you about.
 * Amus: [looks around] This place looks pretty big. Looks like it can hold a lot of something. Like money stolen from a bank...or, convicts from the local prison you have stored in your [air quotes] "safe house".
 * SpongeBob: Uh...right. [walks to kitchen] I'll go cook us up some patties. Why don't you order? [throws dollar to Amus]
 * Amus: [catches dollar] Order, huh? Nah. [snarls] More like...invest. [laughs; walks up to the register with cloth and spray] Cash register cleaning services. May I see your owner?
 * Squidward: I don't know. Can you? [opens book] Don't answer. I don't really care. [sits down and reads book]
 * Mr. Krabs: [busts out of office door] What's this about a cash register cleaning service? Who's talking about cleaning me precious Cashy?
 * Amus: That would be me, my good sir.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well you're not laying a hand on me precious register. [holds up nose] It holds some of me most valuable money.
 * Amus: Oh, but I'm not touching the register. I'm just here to clean it. You will be the only one touching this register right here.
 * Mr. Krabs: Really? You're not pulling my leg here, are you?
 * Amus: Nope. Not at all. [pulls up bucket boiling water] Just a little water should do the trick.
 * Mr. Krabs: Great then. [takes money out of register] I'll let you get started on that. [takes money to safe]
 * Amus: [to Squidward] You don't mind if I quickly clean the register, do you?
 * Squidward: Nope. Not at all. I don't use it anyway.
 * Amus: Perfect. [snarls silently; opens money tray and begins pouring water into the tray] The job isn't quite done yet. [evilly laughs; throws match into water, causing an abundance of steam] Ha ha ha!
 * Mr. Krabs: [walks out of office] I just have one question: I'm not being charged for your service, am I?
 * Amus: Not at all, Mr. Krabs. I'm actually done with the cleaning, so I'll be on my way.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, then get to it before I kick you out for not buying anything.
 * Male Fish 1: [being escorted out of Krusty Krab with police officer] Yeah.
 * [Mr. Krabs goes back into office]
 * Amus: [cuts hole into register] Or am I done? [crawls in through hole] I'll be buying something, you cheapskate. I'll be buying investments, if you know what I mean. [drills hole into register; sticks in a pipe attacked to a suction machine] Ha! I'll be rich by tomorrow! [crawls out of hole; places the cut-out piece back into hole] I best be out, before I have to buy anything.
 * SpongeBob: [sticks head out of window] And we have two Krabby Patties!
 * Amus: [sighs; shakes head; to Squidward] Why don't you run out of here when you have the chance?
 * Squidward: Because that would require walking.
 * [scene cuts to Amus and SpongeBob, sitting at a Krusty Krab table]
 * Amus: Hey, thanks for buying.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, no problem, Amus. Say, do you even have any money right now?
 * Amus: Not really. Probably about a clam or two.
 * SpongeBob: Well, that's bad. Say, do you have a place to stay for the night?
 * Amus: Only if there is an apartment in Bikini Bottom that they'll give to you for free.
 * SpongeBob: Not any that I knew of. [hatches idea] Hey, why don't you come live with me for a little while until you can find a place to stay.
 * Amus: [finishes burger] That doesn't sound too bad. Being in a pineapple, searching the town, and working at the Krusty Krab.
 * SpongeBob: Working at the Krusty Krab?
 * Amus: Yeah. Your boss just hired me. Speaking of that, do you mind filling out a job application for me? I would, but it costs three, no, five clams, and I don't have that kind of money.
 * SpongeBob: Sure thing, Amus. [runs into office]
 * Amus: Ah, what a good kid. I sort of feel bad that I'm not going to pay him back. [laughs]
 * [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab the next afternoon; the camera cuts into the dining area]
 * Amus: [comes out of kitchen with tray] This tray of food is so cold in my hands. I have to get this tray to the table before my hands freeze off. [sees a passing Squidward] Or maybe it doesn't have to be my hands that freeze. [begins walking beside Squidward]
 * Squidward: [looks at Amus] So newbie, huh?
 * Amus: Yep. Gosh, this tray is cold. It's like a house is inside of the tray and someone turned on the A/C, huh? [chuckles]
 * Squidward: [snorts; pause] Uh huh.
 * Amus: Yeah, but remember. Newbie here. I could make a mistake at any time. [slips Squidward; while Squidward is tripping, Amus places the tray in Squidward's empty hand]
 * Squidward: Whoa! [slips and hits table, where the tray is released right in front of the customer] Oof! [grunts in pain] Well, this still doesn't hurt as much as regretting to work here. [grunts]
 * Amus: [walks over] Oh, Squidward. You didn't have to carry my tray for me. Thank you for doing that. [takes tip from customer] Let me repay you with this clam. What you say? You can't take it? Well, if you say so. [places clam into shirt pocket; walks into Mr. Krabs's office]
 * Mr. Krabs: [looks up from desk] Well, if it isn't Amus, our newest employee. What brings you into me quarters?
 * Amus: Oh, well, I don't mean to bother you, sir, but I just wanted to let you know that Squidward has left for the day.
 * Mr. Krabs: What?! He wasn't supposed to leave until three minutes from now. That's it! I'm docking his pay!
 * Amus: You should, Mr. Krabs! And you should give it to someone worthy for that money!
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, like...uh...you! Consider your check officially raised!
 * Amus: Yes, sir! Shall I go after Squidward?
 * Mr. Krabs: Yes! Take all of the time you need!
 * Amus: Yes, sir! I'll even take accumulate half of my vacation time if needed!
 * Mr. Krabs: That's the way, Amus! [points to dining area] Now get out of me office!
 * Amus: Yes, sir! [runs out of Krusty Krab; laughs hysterically] A pay raise and vacation time. [begins walking from Krusty Krab] Amus, you sir, are a professional conman.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob's pineapple; Amus is lying on the couch, sleeping]
 * SpongeBob: [places blanket on Amus] Ah. Sleeping peacefully. Remember not to make too much noise, Gary.
 * Gary: [holding bullhorn; puts bullhorn away] Meow meow meow ma-meow. [slugs away; SpongeBob follows]
 * Amus: [opens eyes] Yes, they're gone! [leans back] And I'm [air quotes] "resting" in comfort. [laughs] But gosh, am I hungry. I knew one patty wouldn't fill my gullet. [stands up] Let's see what SpongeBob has in the kitchen.
 * SpongeBob: [appears in scene] Did you call?
 * Amus: [startled] Ah! [calms] Oh, yeah. I said I heard your stomach growling.
 * SpongeBob: You did? Hmm. I didn't hear anything.
 * Amus: You sound hungry. I think you could eat...three clam of mushroom soups.
 * SpongeBob: Really? You think so?
 * Amus: Yep. [pushes SpongeBob toward kitchen] And you're wasting precious cooking time. Let's get to it.
 * SpongeBob: Well, okay then. [runs into kitchen]
 * [Approximately 25-30 minutes later]
 * SpongeBob: [runs out of kitchen with three bowls of clam of mushroom soup] Three clam of mushroom soups ready for pick-up. [feels tummy] Well, I do feel hungry, but only enough for two. Say, Amus. Do you want one?
 * Amus: Oh, really? Me? Never even crossed my mind. [takes bowl and spoon] But sure, I'll have one. [whispers] I love when I get what I want.
 * SpongeBob: [begins walking upstairs] I'll finish these upstairs. Just call if you need anything, Amus.
 * Amus: [laughs evilly] That yellow fool! He is so easy to control! But why control just one yellow ignoramus when you can control all of the weak-minded people of Bikini Bottom. All I need is the right technology. And I know just the right scape-squirrel to do it. [rubs hands]
 * [scene cuts to the treedome; Amus is trying to convince his cousin, Sandy, for tools to build a machine]
 * Amus: Oh, but please, Sandy!
 * Sandy: And what makes you think that I'm going to give you my tools so you can build a device of some sort?
 * Amus: Because I'm your favorite cousin, right? And because family comes first...when it comes to building devices that the cousin does not want to reveal where the idea came up from or what the machine's purpose is.
 * Sandy: I don't trust you with my tools, Amus. [holds up toolbox] And you're not my favorite cousin! [turns around]
 * Amus: [whispers] Talk about tough love. [gets idea] Ah! An urchin!
 * Sandy: [throws up toolbox in fright] Where?!
 * Amus: [catches toolbox] Don't worry, Sandy! I'll take these tools with me to keep them safe! [runs out of treedome]
 * Sandy: Good thinking! [jumps around in fear] Just show yourself, urchin!
 * [scene cuts back to SpongeBob's backyard]
 * Amus: Let's see now. What will I need to build such a machine? [facepalm] I already know what I need, but getting it is another mean of action. I need someone to do it for me. But who?
 * Gary: [slugs into scene] Meow.
 * Amus: Ah. The snail. [sarcastically] Just what I need. [gets idea] Or actually just what I need. [turns around] Snail, would you mind...nah, you couldn't do it.
 * Gary: Meow?
 * Amus: No, maybe you can do it when you're older.
 * Gary: Meow?!
 * Amus: Well, if you must know, I was seeing if someone could run into town and pick me up some spare parts. But sadly, you're a snail, and snails are too weak to get me, say, a dual axle driven turnbuckle, three triple oscillators, a turbo understeer suspension system, and a multi-wheel propeller with a two-guage mount.
 * Gary: [stands up tall] Meow meow meow mo-meow! [sprints out of scene; returns immediately with a ton of supplies and parts] Meow?
 * Amus: Oh. I do see. You can hold all of this. But I bet you can't put it all together in the order [holds up blueprint] this blueprint states, eh?
 * Gary: Meow. Meow ma-meow meow meow. [takes blueprint; whirls around the parts]
 * [30 seconds later]
 * Amus: [adoring machine] Whoa. You really built this well, snail. [camera reveals machine, which appears to be a hovering seat]
 * Gary: [smiling with eyes closed] Meow meow mo-meow ma-meow.
 * [camera cuts to reveal a white, chrome seat]
 * Amus: Yes, you'll get your fifty cents. [pushes Gary] Now move along. I have a lot to do. [smirks] A lot of mind work. [laughs]
 * [scene cuts to Amus, driving a boat with his chrome chair strapped to the back]
 * Amus: [drives through red light] This thing practically pays for itself. I'm making all of the stop signs.
 * [siren blares]
 * Amus: [looks back; sees police car] What do they want? [pulls the boat over] Let's see what they have to say. [gets out of car]
 * Police Officer: [walks to Amus] Sir, you do realize why we stopped you, right?
 * Amus: Let's see. Was it because I was speeding, ran through three stop lights, and because I pulled over in a "no parking" zone?
 * Police Officer: [laughs] Do you think we care about any of that stuff? [falls to the road laughing] Are you hearing this, Mike?! [stands up, suddenly standing] No, we don't. What we do in fact care about is [points to seat] this, sir. Chrome seats traveling at speeds of over sixty nautical miles per hour is illegal in this city. I'm afraid we're going to have to confiscate it.
 * Amus: I understand, kind officer. [unties chair; places it on ground] Allow me to just say goodbye. [pats handrest] I'm sorry that I'm going to have to let you go, chair...[hops into chair and presses "on" buttom] with me! [chair begins hovering and floats from police officer]
 * Police Officer: Runaway chair!
 * Police Officer 2: [walks over] Nah, it's not our problem. It's not going sixty nautical miles per hour.
 * Amus: [camera cuts to the chair] Ha ha ha! Time to put this plan into effect. [presses a buttom labled "Microphone" on the chair; points to female fish] Hey. Miss!
 * Female Fish: [turns around] Huh? Me?
 * Amus: Yeah, you. [points to an apple stand] Do you see that apple stand over there?
 * Female Fish: Yeah. [walks away] Well, bye.
 * Amus: Hold it! [presses "Stop" button] I command you to through me that apple!
 * Female Fish: [stands tall] Yes, master...master...guy. [walks to stand]
 * Apple Stand Clerk: You know you're going to have to pay for those, right?
 * Female Fish: [takes out wallet; throws wallet into Apple Stand Clerk's face; takes apple] Coming with apple.
 * Apple Stand Clerk: Well, at least I have money to fix my nose.
 * Female Fish: [throws apple to Amus] There you go, Master Guy!
 * Amus: Yes! A snack! [catches apple] I'm almost too happy to eat it.
 * Sandy: [offscreen] Not so fast, Amus! [camera pans quickly to Sandy] You're not going to eat that apple while I'm here.
 * Amus: But I wasn't going to eat...whatever. [presses "Microphone" button] I command you to turn around and lock yourself in your treedome!
 * Sandy: No, Amus! I will not fall under your mind control!
 * Amus: How did you know it was mind control?
 * Sandy: Oh. You really don't know. Of course you wouldn't!
 * Amus: Know what?
 * Sandy: You mean you didn't know about what Gary and I did to sabotage your plan?
 * Amus: Sabotage?!
 * Sandy: That's right! It was actually pretty easy.
 * [flashback begins at SpongeBob's backyard; Gary is running from Amus to get the spare parts; Sandy narrates]
 * Sandy: [narrates] You challenged Gary to go and get the parts you need for my machine. [Gary rushes from Amus] He was on his way to get the parts when he passed my treedome. [Gary stops at treedome, seeing a frantic Sandy] Gary proceeds to help me get the urchin, yet we both find that it was just one of your rouses. Gary tells me that you sent him to get some parts for his machine. [Sandy gasps] I knew you couldn't be up to any good, so I quickly whipped up some replacement parts, [Sandy runs out of scene; returns with a pile of parts, which she hands to Gary] and hopped into the pile. [hops into pile of parts]
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob's backyard, where Amus to waiting for Gary]
 * Sandy: [continues narrating] Once we approached at SpongeBob's backyard, I quickly hopped out of the back of the pile. [sneaks behind Amus; takes out alternate blueprint] I switched the blueprints [switches Amus's blueprint with Sandy's blueprint] and watched as Gary made the updated version your machine.
 * [scene cuts to modern day]
 * Amus: Updated version?
 * Sandy: That's right. Gary, if you would do the honors.
 * Gary: [slugs into scene] Meow meow. [presses button on remote] Meow meow ma-meow meow...meow meow.
 * Amus: [chair begins ejecting tiny bots] What? What's going on? [bots enter into random fish's ears] What are those things doing?
 * Sandy: Oh, just changing the brainwaves of their brains that ignore the frequencies emmited from the microphone of yours. [crosses arms] In other words, you won't be convincing anyone.
 * Amus: No! [turns on microphone] You, sir! Bring me that stick! I command you!
 * Male Fish: Huh? [places finger in ear] I feel like I hear this...high-pitched ringing. [takes finger out of ear]
 * Amus: What?! No! [points to female fish] You, madam! Bring me that record out of that window!
 * Female Fish: Huh? [turns around] Who said that? It was as if someone was trying to convince me of something. Yet strangely, as if by a brain radioactivity altering device, it sounded strangely muted. [shrugs shoulder; walks away]
 * Amus: [sighs] I think I've been defeated. [presses button to lower chair to ground] Just take me off to jail already. [holds out wrists]
 * Sandy: Oh, you're not going to jail. I have a job that's better for you. [laughs]
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob's kitchen; Amus is cooking clam of mushroom soup]
 * SpongeBob: [sitting at dining table] Chop chop, Amus. Chop chop.
 * Amus: [cutting onions] I already am! [walks over with three bowls of clam of mushroom soups] Order up.
 * SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Oh, Amus. I believe I can only eat two of these. Help yourself to one.
 * Amus: [growls] Don't mind if I do. [snatches bowl]
 * SpongeBob: [takes two bowls; sighs in relief] Boy, it really does pay to con. [laughs]
 * [episode ends]