Blood, Sweat & Tea

Transcript
[Shot of the SBFW High building from outside. We see the main building from a bird’s-eye view, as well as a protester (Da Nerd) holding a sign that reads, “FANDOM is unfair, Sannse is in there!”. Shortly afterwards, the bell rings for the juniors’ lunch, and the students pop the door open, knocking Da Nerd into the air, before they come running to their nearby benches. Two of these juniors, Danilo and Danielle, are holding each others hands as they run.]

Danilo: My love, do you want to farm for badges during lunch?

Danielle: Sure, I appreciate your thought. I do have some lunch to eat, though, so maybe I could eat these carrot sticks before we start farming.

Danilo: (slaps Danielle) There is no time for miniscule vegetable consumption, my beauty! [Danilo runs away to farm, while Danielle collects carrot sticks from her lunchbox and starts eating them. We cut to the hallway, where the cool kids - Dan and Vanessa - are rapping together, trading bars, while Matchy watches in the distance.] Vanessa: (rapping) Yeah, Van-Van take your bitch, then she shoot your mans. Matchy: Hold on, did you just call yourSELF Van-Van? You know that now, you can’t shoot me becau--(he gets shot in the eye) Dan: (rapping) Yo, that way, with the AK, now, little bitch, don’t be silly. Yeah, don’t trust my gang or my name, I ain’t from Philly. [A man’s voice, presumably a rapper, is heard in the background, saying “ayy”.] Dan: (rapping) Yo, we moving bricks, but we more than one foot tall, you figure? I’m the only black guy here, so I disturb the whities by saying-- [Cut to the principal’s office, where Mr. Scallop McGene is giving a stern talking to Dan for supposed “profane language”.] Mr. Scallop McGene: As the teacher of the most fucked-up class in this school, I command you listen to me so you learn not be such a pain in the ass in the future, otherwise you’ll never get a job, and end up being a minimum-pay teacher in a school without any morals, and a shell of a human being! Dan: Yo, sir, what I do? I’m just acting my normal, jock self. Mr. Scallop McGene: You disturbed the Caucasian peace by saying the n-word. Dan: What n-word? Mr. Scallop McGene: You know, the n-word! [Travis is seen behind the window, mouthing, “Bernie would’ve won. Bernie would’ve won.”] Dan: Shut up, Travis, you know that Clayton doesn’t approve of your Bernie Sanders obsession, what would he think of you right now? [Travis mouths, “Fuck you, Clayton.” and leaves. Cut to a class where Pluto and RedBomb are sitting next to each other in the back of the class, picking their noses, while Jasbre is at the front of the class, scoffing and shaking his head at the English teacher, Mr. Calaz Chuchesta, who has misspelled everything on the board.] Jasbre: I apologize, Mr. Chuchesta, but I believe that everything here is spelled incorrectly. Mr. Calaz Chuchesta: Isn’t this Matchy’s job? Jasbre: I am taking it onto myself to do his job after his absence, due to his unfortunate death after a lethal attack on his eye from Van-Van. [Jasbre is shot in the chest.] Jasbre: Oh, shit. That didn’t do anything. Pluto: Oh, of course, Jasbre, Mr. Perfect Teacher’s Pet. He’s like a class dictator. Yet nobody cares about me, huh? Just the bulletproof black duck who gets everything and anything right. He thinks he can just go over to the front of the class like he owns the place. Golf: Yikes. Can I global him? Pluto: Shut up, Golf, nobody likes you. I’ll get my sock--I mean, neighbor on you, if you don’t stop running your mouth. Mr. Calaz Chuchesta: Excuse me, Pluto, Golf, pipe down. This is an important lesson. Shouldn’t you be in the special class, anyway? Pluto: Don’t take me back there! Don’t you dare! (He pulls out a knife) I got a knife and I ain’t scared to slit your throat if you even try to send me back there! [Mr. Calaz Chuchesta tries to approach him, and Pluto screams, kicking him in the crotch and jumping over to Jasbre in order to confront him and stab him in the back, literally. Jasbre dodges each jab, angering Pluto the point of throwing his knife into the air, falling onto SteveBob MinecraftPants’ head.] SteveBobMinecraftPants: Sigh, I guess this may not be the first time I have had a knife lodged into my head area, wouldn’t it not? I don’t know, haha, you know! (Becomes unconscious.) Jasbre: Well, look what you’ve done, you’ve killed Steve! [Travis, with his tongue in Steve’s mouth, does a double take.] Travis: Wait, he’s not? [Pluto retreats onto the bookshelf and defends himself with his knife, threatening Jasbre.] Pluto: Jasbre, we will commence a duel tomorrow at 10:30PM, and nobody can stop us. Mr. Calaz Chuchesta: Actually… [Pluto manically shrieks, stopping Mr. Calaz Chuchesta in his tracks.] Pluto: No weapons. No nothin’. Just me, you and the whole school watching. [There’s a silence for a few seconds, until the whole class bursts into the laughter.] Pluto: It’ll happen! I’mma win! You’ll see! You’ll all see! [Pluto gets distracted.] Pluto: Ooh, a story book! I can copy these ideas sometime. [Fades to black, fades from black to show Pluto in the special class talking to EB.] Pluto: So, I’m going to fight the fool Jasbre tomorrow. EB: What? Pluto: I’m going to fight Jasbre tomorrow. EB: ...what? Pluto: How are you not getting any smarter despite repeating the 12th grade five times? EB: I am very intelligent, and I decide to stay here to teach others, why can’t you get that through your thick skull? Pluto: Quit being a dick and help me on this. EB: Fine, I can train you, but you need to be loyal. Pluto: What do you mean, loyal? EB: Wash my shirt. Pluto: How the fu-- I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY! EB: Get your mom to do it, she cooks and cleans for you right? Pluto: ....there are so many things wrong with that sentence that I don’t know where to begin matchying it. EB: ...what? Pluto: Just, meet me at my house after school. EB: You have a house? Pluto: (deep, long, hard sigh) [we cut to Jasbre actually training with that one “Montage” song playing in the background, we then cut to EB and Pluto with some My Little Pony background music playing or something, at Pluto's house] EB: Now first, we get some water. Pluto: Yeah? EB: You get your sack, and dip it in the water. Pluto: Ok. [he rips his pants off and dips his (pixelated) testicles in the pot of water] EB: NO, DUMBASS, YOUR TEA BAG, NOT YOUR TESTICLES! HOW IS YOUR SKULL THIS THICK?! Pluto: You said sack, not tea bag, so I figured you meant my testicles. EB: (sigh) Just fucking watch, don’t do what I say right now. Pluto: Ok. EB: You then heat up the water, then it boils and shit, I don’t know, then you got your tea. Pluto: What does tea have to do with fighting? EB: Who’s the 12th grader who repeated the grade 5 times here? Pluto: (sadly saying it) You. EB: Damn right, now go out there and do what I taught you! [fades to black, fades from black for P3] [we cut back SBFW High, when the lunch bell rings. Everyone rushes to the cafeteria] Pluto: Okay, I’m ready! [looks at tea bag in his pocket] Jasbre [suddenly appearing in front of him]: No, I’m ready. I’m ready to sock you in the ass. Pluto: Ooh, threatening. Jasbre: Gimme all you got, smartass. Pluto: Okay… [pulls out tea bag and teacup out of his pockets] Jasbre: [laughs so hard he chokes] What kind of dumbass thinks he can win a fight by making tea? Pluto: EB taught me this. Jasbre: That spazmoid? Oh, please. He doesn’t even know how to masturbate. Pluto: What’s a spazmoid? Jasbre: [facepalms] You dumbass. [He proceeds to punch Pluto directly in the crotch. Pluto lies down on the ground, curled up in a ball] Pluto: You… dic… tator… Jasbre: Yes, I’m a dick potato. Pluto: You… do know who’s behind you… right now? Jasbre: No….. Oh, fuck. [Principal Bugs appears behind Jasbre] Principal Bugs: No bullying people in the cafeteria. Detention for you. When will you learn, you damn fool? Matchy: Was that a Baldi’s Basics reference? Jasbre: Dafuq is that? Matchy: Sorry, I don’t speak normie. Pluto: Daaaammmnnnn! [The End]