The Shawshark Redemption

The Shawshark Redemption is the fourth episode of Cyberpunk. The previous was Debtors Never Prosper, and the next is TBA.

Story
SpongeBryan walked into his apartment with a worried look on his face. In three days, he’d be expected to pay thousands of dollars he didn’t have to the loan shark Big Tony. If he didn’t get the money in time, Tony would start killing off his loved ones. He walked into his kitchen to find Ron gulping down a bottle of liquor.

“Ron, stop messing up our body with that crap!” said Pat.

“Oh, come on!” slurred Ron. “We haven’t had an organ fail in almost a month now!”

“Will you two stop bickering?” said SpongeBryan. “We need to figure out a way to raise some big cash, fast.”

“We’ve said it once, and we’ll say it again,” said Ron. “If we rob ourselves a bank, we’ll have more than enough money to pay off ol’ Jaws!”

“I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again,” said SpongeBryan. “Going for the bank would be suicide.”

“But isn’t it worth a try?” asked Pat. “It’s not like we have any other options right now.”

SpongeBryan sighed. “Fine, but when we end up in jail, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Yes!” gurgled Ron. “This is why I love you, bro. You always know how to say the thight rings.”

“Oh Neptune, I’m feeling queasy,” said Pat. “Could you excuse us for a moment?”

Pat and Ron ran into the bathroom, and sounds of vomiting soon followed.

That night, SpongeBryan met Pat and Ron at the entrance of Alveus’ Third National Bank. The people that ran the bank were some of the richest in the city, and they often made it clear to the commonfolk that stealing from the bank would be impossible.

SpongeBryan kept this in mind as he walked into the bank with his friends. A morbidly obese security guard came up to them in a flying mobility scooter.

“What do you boys think you’re doing?” said the security guard.

“None of your business, that’s what we’re doing!” said a still-drunk Ron.

“Excuse my friend,” said SpongeBryan. “We just wanted to open an account.”

“You? Open an account?” the security guard laughed. “I can tell a slumboy from a respectable citizen any time of the day. Do yourself a favor and turn back now.”

SpongeBryan clenched his fists in anger. How dare that arrogant fatass talk to him like he was some kind of peasant!

“Now, we’re not trying to start trouble,” said SpongeBryan.

“Yes, you are,” said the security guard. “I know your kind.”

His kind! That was the last straw for SpongeBryan. He pushed the security guard off his scooter and walked to the bank’s safe with Pat and Ron.

“I’ll get you for this!” said the security guard as he rolled on the floor. “Just you wait!”

Once they reached the safe, SpongeBryan opened up his laptop, and a prompt appeared on his screen requesting a password.

“What do you think the password for this safe is?” asked SpongeBryan.

“How about ‘let me in’?” said Ron.

“Seriously?” said SpongeBryan. “You think the password for the most secure lock system in Alveus is ‘let me in’?”

“Yes,” said Ron.

SpongeBryan rolled his eyes and typed “let me in”. After pressing Enter, the door to the safe swung open.

“Un-freakin’-believable,” said SpongeBryan.

“We need to get you drunk more often, Ron,” said Pat.

“Thank you, thank you,” said Ron, bowing his head left and right.

“Alright, let’s grab as much money as we can. We are feasting tonight!”

SpongeBryan, Pat and Ron filled their respective sacks with Alvean currency, and they dragged it with them out the bank’s doors.

“There went my raise,” said the immobilized security guard.

When he got home, SpongeBryan slept better than he had slept in days. He woke up to the ringing of his wrist-phone which, once activated, projected the face of none other than Big Tony.

“Hello, SpongeBryan,” said the holographic mob boss. “I heard about the recent bank robbery. Good job.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said SpongeBryan. “But I do have the money, so you can come over and take it whenever you want.”

“You have the cash already?” beamed Tony. “How wonderful! We must meet up at your closest restaurant, say 2 PM?”

“Our closest restaurant? Do you even know where that is?” asked SpongeBryan.

“Ha ha! Don’t patronize me!” said Tony before cutting off the signal.

SpongeBryan strapped on his rocket boots and flew to Pat and Ron’s apartment, catching them up on the recent news. At 2:00 PM, they walked into a restaurant just outside the Upper Ring, where they found Big Tony and his hammerhead crew waiting for them at a nearby table.

“Bryan and friends! I thought you wouldn’t show!” said Big Tony. “Come! Sit, sit!”

SpongeBryan, Pat, and Ron sat down at Big Tony’s table, and the great white patted them both on the shoulders.

“Have you ever seen more upstanding gentlemen?” said Tony.

A waiter walked up to them.

“Can I take your order?” he said.

“It’s about time!” snapped Tony. “Whose family do you have to threaten to get some service around here?”

The waiter pulled the collar of his shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It won’t happen again. Orders?”

“I’ll have your Bucket of Chum, and my guests will have the Chum Platter,” said Tony.

The waiter bowed then hurried into the kitchen.

“So, tell me all about your little bank heist,” whispered Tony. “How did a couple of jerks like you manage to pull it off?”

“Like I said before, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said SpongeBryan.

The waiter came back and placed a large bucket of chum in front of Big Tony He then put a plate of chum and two bottles of wine in front of SpongeBryan, Pat, and Ron. Big Tony poured his bucket of chum into his mouth with delight. SpongeBryan sniffed his plate of chum and gagged, as did Pat and Ron.

“You guys don’t want your chum?” said Big Tony after finishing his bucket.

“No, we’re good,” said SpongeBryan.

“Suit yourself,” said Big Tony as he threw the plate of chum into his mouth.

“Are you going to drink your bottle of wine?” Ron asked SpongeBryan.

“What did you do with your wine?” said SpongeBryan.

Ron burped.

“Alright, fine,” said SpongeBryan before handing Ron his bottle.

Ron drank the entire bottle of wine within seconds. Suddenly, Big Tony pressed a button on his wrist-phone, and policemen stormed the building.

Policeman 1: (points a laser gun at SpongeBryan) Put your hands up!

SpongeBryan raised his arms, and the policeman handcuffed him. Pat and Ron were also handcuffed, and the three of them were driven away from the restaurant in cop cars.

SpongeBryan ended up in an interrogation room with a slim, gruffy-voiced detective.

“I’m telling you,” SpongeBryan told the detective. “I don’t know anything about the bank robbery.”

“That’s not what your friends tell me,” said the detective. “They say you orchestrated the entire thing.”

“You’re lying!” screamed SpongeBryan. “My friends would never say that! Who gave you that anonymous tip in the first place?”

“It’s called an ‘anonymous tip’ for a reason,” said the detective. “And you’re wearing my patience thin. Just confess to the robbery and we can start working out a plea deal.”

“I have nothing to confess,” said SpongeBryan. “And I can assure you that my friends won’t, either.”

“I confess everything!” Ron said as the detective walked into his interrogation room.

“Damn it, Ron!” said Pat.

“We stole from the banks, we stole from almost every house in the Upper Ring, and we stole from your donut box,” gargled Ron.

“I wondered what happened to that donut,” said the detective. “Alright, you’re free to go on the condition that you testify against your pourous pal.”

“Out of the question!” snapped Pat.

“You got yourself a deal!” said Ron. “Say, do you know where the nearest bathroom is?”

SpongeBryan sat in his lonely jail cell, staring at the rods of pure electricity that separated him from the rest of the world.

“You have a visitor,” said the guard, the same guard that confronted SpongeBryan at the bank that night before.

The visitor was Big Tony, who walked in with a smile on his face.

“I just wanted to let you know that I stopped by your house and picked up those wonderful sacks of cash. Congratulations! You’re debt-free,” said Big Tony.

“You were the anonymous tip,” said SpongeBryan. “You saw the bank heist as an opportunity to get on good terms with the Alvean Police Force, so you set us up to get caught. You screwed us over”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Big Tony. “Enjoy the…rest of your life in here. Oh, and a word of advice: Don’t drop the soap.”