SBFW Sketch Comedy Show Episode 1

This is the first episode of the live comedy spin-off SBFW Sketch Comedy Show. The guest host for this episode was and the musical guest was British Fish Productions.

Patchy’s Fan Mail
NARRATOR: And now kids, it’s time for PATCHY’S FAN MAIL

AUDIENCE: Yay!

PATCHY: Welcome kids! It’s time to open fan letters!

[Patchy opens a letter]

KID: Dear Patchy, why did you name your Parrot, Potty? Sincerely, David

PATCHY: Well David, I named him Potty because all I had as a child, was a toilet to sleep and poop in! Now, our next letter!

[Patchy opens a letter]

ADULT: Dear Patchy, I wanna shave your face off. Sincerely, Anonymous Alt.

PATCHY: Well, uh, oh, oh god, AlternativeHuman, you’re, uhh, you’re pretty fucked up. Anyway, onto our next letter!

[Patchy opens final letter]

ADULT: No seriously, I wanna shave your face off. Again, sincerely Ananymuss Alt.

PATCHY: [looks dead straight at the camera] I hope you die with worms coming out of your mouth AlternativeHuman.

NARRATOR: [nervous laugh] And that was PATCHY’S FAN MAIL!

AUDIENCE: Yay?

Intro/Monologue
[New York, New York by Frank Sinatra plays in the background]

NARRATOR: Welcome to the SBFW Sketch Comedy Show! Starring! Cicicity, DanzxvFan8275, EB The Original Master, GraniteToast1992, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, Locknloaded23, Purple133, SpongeBot678, TheJasbre202, The Terrible Travis, and Tim, also starring, AlternativeHuman93, CrazySponge, FireMatch and SuperJoeyBros9, tonight’s host, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, musical guest, British Fish Productions, now, here’s your host, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway!

JICTDRA: [sighs] Okay, well, I suppose I should say welcome to our new little sketch show we have going on, we’re gonna do some pretty funny stuff here, I hope, we’ve got some incredible sketches lined up for you tonight and every week, hopefully, until we run completely dry of any material… knowing Jasbre’s work ethic, this isn’t unlikely.

[Jasbre shouts from the distance]

JASBRE: Digest my ass-mountain!

JICTDRA: That’s a new one. Let me introduce to the audience, our first sketch, starring the Dab-Master and Kidz Bop Marketing Executive, EB “the Original” Master. What wacky adventures is he getting up to these days?

BRITISH FISH PRODUCTIONS: [off-screen] Who gives a Russian rat’s--

[Abruptly cuts to the next sketch]

The Excellent Escapades of EB the Original Master
[EB the Original Master & Squidward with Hair are stuck in an elevator, with smoke coming out of the button used to determine the floor EB will be travelling to]

SQUIDWARD WITH HAIR: EB, how did we get into this mess?

EB: Oh, my geez. You want me to explain to the security camera like some kind of ESB admin?

SQUIDWARD WITH HAIR: Yes. Please do so.

EB: Well, I’m not going to. This ain’t Saturday Night Live sketch, my guy.

SQUIDWARD WITH HAIR: I think you’re just embarrassed to tell the world that you clogged the elevator up with stale Funyuns.

EB: I thought maybe I could make a video about it.

SQUIDWARD WITH HAIR: You’re not filming anything though.

[EB hints towards the security camera with a knowing wink]

SQUIDWARD WITH HAIR: You’re mad.

EB: I’m not mad, I’m EB the Original Master!

[The audience is treated to a close-up of a still EB the Original Master image where he has his thumb up and an immense grin on his face as a short jingle plays]

FEMALE SINGERS: He’s EB, he’s EB, he may come off as a bastard / But that’s just his personality, he’s EB the Original Master!

[Cut to EB cuddling guinea pigs in a zoo, letting them run around in his hands]

EB: Aww, little cutie guinea pigs! Oh… Oh, Davey, come on, stop nibbling my leg hairs.

[Davey, a brown guinea pig, continues to nibble his leg hairs]

EB: Come on, Davey, stop it! I’ve already told you to stop! Listen, I know you’re not my guinea pigs but I’m not gonna stand for leg-hair-munching in 2019. We live in a society--

DAVEY: Clamiety eight.

[Shocked, EB jumps off and throws Davey off his leg into the wall]

EB: Don’t you dare say that to me again, you terrifying furry motherfu--

[It comes to a still once again while another similar jingle plays]

FEMALE SINGERS: He’s EB, yes, that’s right, his name’s EB / And he really doesn’t understand admins on a weekee!

The Dylan Report?
ALT: Now to Dylan Price in the studio for the Dylan Report

[Long-winded intro, grunts from Dylan can be heard]

DYLAN: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Dylan report. Today’s question: is it ethical to masturbate in class?

TRAVIS [from the back of the studio]: Not in a lesson about the HOLOCAUST, DYLAN!

DYLAN: Didn’t you masturbate in a hospital room?

TRAVIS: Nobody was there to witness it.

DYLAN: It’s still a hospital room, Travis.

TRAVIS: And? A classroom is a room full of children, what’s your point?

DYLAN: People have died in a hospital room, Travis.

TRAVIS: Dylan, this is America, people die in classrooms all the time.

DYLAN: More people die in hospital rooms.

TRAVIS: You haven’t seen the statistics, have you?

DYLAN: Is this the TRAVIS report or the DYLAN report?

TRAVIS: This is a show about debate. I’m debating the issue at hand.

DYLAN: Answer the question, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Do I really have to reason with a guy who fapped during a lesson about the Holocaust?

DYLAN: I’ve had enough. Thank you for watching the Dylan Report.

EB's Games
NARRATOR: Welcome to award-winning game show EB's Games with your host EB The Original Master

EB: Today 3 contestants are going to take on my games. What are the rules? I don't know, nobody knows, I could care less about rules. Game shows are a whole lot better, when there's no admins to ruin it. Anyway, today's contestants are CrazySponge

CRAZYSPONGE: o

EB: Matchy.

MATCHY: This is cursed.

EB: And Bot.

BOT: Wait, I thought I was supposed to see the game show, not be on it. What the fu-.

EB: Let's play our first game, fingers on buzzers.

[Matchy's hand goes under his podium]

EB: Matchy that is not your buzzer.

MATCHY: Oops, forgot I'm not in class.

[Audience start laughing]

EB: Stop laughing. First game, name a fruit.

[Bot presses his buzzer]

EB: Bot!

BOT: A carrot!

EB: Incorrect!

BOT: God dammit. Well I only came to watch the game show. So, problem solved I guess.

EB: Matchy, name a fruit.

MATCHY: Uhh, a penis.

[Audience start laughing]

EB: Shut up.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Clamiety eight your tits.

EB: Wow, that's not funny.

MATCHY: Did I get it right?

EB: No. Crazy, name a fruit.

CRAZYSPONGE: Uhh, I can't name a fruit, but you can probably buy fruit from Box Foods.

EB: So, none of you can name a fruit. Gosh, I guess this is what happens when the crew invite teenagers to this show.

MATCHY: A penis is a fruit I swear.

EB: You're really immature.

MATCHY: No u

EB: Next game. Name a dumb music album company that should get bankrupt.

[Bot presses his buzzer]

EB: Bot!

BOT: Now that's what I call music!

EB: Incorrect. They don't censor songs.

BOT: Yeah they do.

EB: Matchy, name a dumb music album company that should get bankrupt.

MATCHY: Warner Bros, they signed lil pump, he sucks.

BOT: No u

[Matchy picks up an uno reverse card from under his podium]

MATCHY: Uno reverse card.

BOT: I really hope that didn't come from where I think it did.

EB: Can we get back to the game?

[Alt appears out of nowhere]

ALT: No.

EB: Since when were you here?

MATCHY: He's been here the whole time.

BOT: Yeah he actually has been here the whole time.

EB: Okay then, Alt name a dumb music album company that should get bankrupt. Wait.

[Alt isn't there anymore]

EB: Where's alt gone?

MATCHY: Alt was never here EB. He was here in the pilot episode though.

BOT: I was in the audience for the pilot episode, and I should be in the audience for this one. I was asked if I could watch a game show, not be on it.

EB: Back to the game. Crazy, name a dumb music album company that should get bankrupt.

CRAZYSPONGE: Definitely not Box Tunes, their music is great. Box Tunes great!

EB: You know what, I'm done, I am going home, and making a video rant on game shows.

[EB leaves]

NARRATOR: More from EB's Games next week! When Matchy, Crazy, and Bot return.

BOT: I was supposed to be in the audience!

[MUSICAL PERFORMANCE OF ‘Joseph Blocked Me on Twitter’ by BFP.]

This, Justim
NARRATOR: Now it’s time for This, Justim, your daily digest of news for the week, here’s your host, Tim.

TIM: This week the Notre Dame Cathedral was burnt *almost* to a crisp, my hope and prayers? That the corrupt priests were in there while it happened! Heck, Trump is in more flames than that church was, with all that fake russian news.

JOSEPH: You’re fake!

TIM: We’ll see, anyway, I may be a homophobic russian, but i sure do hate it when it comes to someone being a self-proclaimed dumbass, here with his latest remarks, Dylan Price.

DYLAN: Yes, i am a self-proclaimed asshole, BUT, i did kill that busload of children like satan asked me to!

TIM: Oh that’s bad, even for me. Oh, and I guess we have a surprise guest, ladies and gentlemen, Travis Penille!

[Audience applauds as Travis enters the newsroom]

TRAVIS: Hello, hello, YOU ALL HAVE A CRUSH ON ME!

TIM: Disgusting. Anyway, what are your views on Dylan Price

TRAVIS: Well Tim the Russian hacker, he is a classturbating fool who thinks jacking off under desks is fine while liking Lil Pump is the worst thing in history since cameras. I’ll tell ya he thinks he looks better than me with that douche cut of his aside from my long golden locks of amazing beautiful hair!

TIM: Rebuttal?

DYLAN: No u.

[Audience gasps]

TIM: Woah, that just happened.

TRAVIS: The fuck is this? It’s just a saying that does nothing, watch!

[Travis slaps Dylan in the face, Audience goes dead silent, Dylan begins to cry and his mom goes on stage]

DYLAN’S MOM: How dare you hit my son he’s a pure angel and he’s better than every other kid on this horrid planet!

TRAVIS: He jacks off in the classroom when he’s in school

DYLAN’S MOM: [shrieks] WHAT?!

[Arguing between Dylan’s Mom and Dylan begins as Dylan’s Mom also slaps Dylan and Tim and Travis grab popcorn as the Narrator outros]

NARRATOR: This was This, Justim.

This Episode is Brought to You by the Letter ‘O’
[CrazySponge is standing on a completely blank green background.]

CRAZY: This hoopla was brought to you by the letter ‘O’.

[He draws a massive yellow ‘O’ with his pinky finger. Jasbre furiously steps onto the set, as we zoom out to reveal a green screen. The ‘O’ disappears.]

JASBRE: What’s the deal with you and ‘O’?

CRAZY: O--

JASBRE: Don’t even say anything in response, nothing except pathetic drivel is going to come out of this man’s mouth. Heh, I say “Man” but I’m not sure if I’m going to dignify this child with that kind of rhetoric.

[From off-screen, Aaron yells to stop the argument.]

AARON: J.J., stop being such a c---. It’s a sketch.

JASBRE: A SKETCH?! This man says that letter all the time in response to everything like it’s some sort of common phrase.

AARON: Jasbre. “Oh” IS a common phrase.

JASBRE: Do NOT tell ME what is a common or uncommon phrase. Look, I run this show around here and I will not let you overthrow me.

[Jasbre continues yelling at Aaron and CrazySponge but Aaron ignores them, talking to the crew]

AARON: Can we cut to commercial? [Unintelligible studio talk] Yeah? Okay, alright, cut.

JASBRE: Don’t you ignore me, weenie-head--

[A TV test card appears saying, “We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please hold on,” with an image of the British Fish Productions logo being shown. Studio talk continues.]

AARON: [Off-screen] You cut to the wrong clip!

MORGAN GAM: [Off-screen] It’s not my fault!

AARON: [Off-screen] Oh, my God, Communist Plankey would be less incompetent than this--

[Cuts to commercial.]

The Family Guy Lover
[Tim and Lock are sitting in a bar. Tim is incredibly drunk with his pants off (Don’t worry, nobody sees anything) and there is a red stain on Lock’s shirt, whose face expresses pure disappointment and disgust. Tim is talking to a lady at a table near him]

TIM: Yo, what up, babes? You want some of this Russian salami?

[All of the women on the table leave immediately, one of them splashing red wine in Tim’s face. He snorts some of it into his nose and passes out. Lock walks over]

LOCK: C’mon, Tim, you need to host your news show. I’ll help clean you up.

[Lock carries Tim out on his shoulders, dragging him through the bar, apologising to anyone he hits with Tim’s legs. He halts when he sees a familiar face]

LOCK: You. FamilyGuyFan989.

FAMILYGUYFAN989: You… you.

LOCK: Funny seeing you here, old friend, or should I say, old toilet.

TOILET: Lock, you’ve always had the driest wit and the most subtle humour, haven’t you?

LOCK: Okay, stop the menacing act, Mr. Funny Moments, why are you here?

TOILET: I want a drink with the lads.

LOCK: There’s no-one here.

[Toilet looks over at the empty space between him and Lock, realising no-one is here]

TOILET: They’re not here yet.

LOCK: Let’s face it, you came here specifically to intimidate me and my… “Friend” here.

TOILET: What’s his name?

LOCK: Tim. Tim Paperin.

TOILET: Can I have him?

LOCK: I mean… well, no, of course not!

TOILET: He doesn’t look like he cares either way, he’s half-naked and vomiting whilst unconscious. He lives on the wild side, I can see, unlike you, Cock.

LOCK: Fair point. Have him.

[Lock throws Tim at Toilet, his crotch landing on Toilet’s head]

TOILET: How pleasant. Tim, do you like Family Guy?

[Tim suddenly wakes up with a head-jerk.]

TIM: Huh? No, only the first few seasons--[Vomits]

TOILET: [offended] Surely you don’t think the later seasons are THAT bad.

TIM: Oh, they suck hard like my wife… that cheating bitch. [Shouting] IF YOU’RE OUT THERE, NIGEL, I’M GONNA--I’m going to--eat… [Falls back to sleep]

[Toilet, absolutely shattered, stares at the unconscious Tim, and then back at Lock, before it cuts to a massive explosion with shards of the bar falling from everywhere. Toilet and Lock walk away from the explosion slowly with shades on, as well as some bruises and scars, with shrapnel stuck in Lock’s eye. They are holding Tim’s decapitated head. After they walk off-screen, it fades to black and we hear Toilet speak]

TOILET: Worth it.

Gamble-In
[Camera zooms into a small house]

NARRATOR: And now, the story of an old lady who sued Box Productions.

[The old lady is scrolling through Cut-Out on her TV]

OLD LADY: Hmm. I wonder what I will watch today. Oh, I haven't seen this show before. Hmm “Dogecoin Gambling” I used to gamble a lot back in the summer of 64. I won lots of money, I can do it again.

[The old lady starts watching the show]

PRESENTER: Hello there! Welcome to Dogecoin Gambling Live! Our first game of the day is starting soon, so make sure you go on “luckygames.io” now!

OLD LADY: Mmm! Seems legit. I'm gonna play!

NARRATOR: A few moments later.

OLD LADY: This is ridiculous, my screenname isn't even on the screen! This is rigged! Wait.

[The old lady goes back to the programme menu and realizes the programme is a repeat]

OLD LADY: Wait, it isn't a live show. Then why didn't they make it clear in the programme. I am suing!

[Cuts to the old lady in court suing CrazySponge]

OLD LADY: And that's how I lost loads of money, because Cut-Out didn't make it clear enough the programme wasn't live.

JUDGE: Hmm. CrazySponge, do you have anything to say?

CRAZYSPINGE: HOOPLA!

JUDGE: Fair enough, the old lady wins, CrazySponge must pay her the 50 trillion dogecoins she lost in this programme.

CRAZYSPONGE: o

Behind the Box
[Zooming into a building]

NARRATOR: And now, back to Behind the Box.

[Cut to interior with CrazySponge]

CRAZY: Hello and welcome back kids! Now we take you to the main place where we come up with new BP product--

CUT-OUT: Would you like to buy, BP style?

CRAZY: No, shut up!

CUT-OUT: You have purchased a year’s worth of BP style, thank you.

CRAZY: (Sigh) Anyway, this is where we come up with the best BP produc--

CUT-OUT: You have purchased another subscription of Cut-Out, your credit card is now worthless.

CRAZY: (Angered sigh) Matchy?!

[Matchy runs into the scene]

MATCHY: Yeah?

CRAZY: What’s going on with this thing?!

MATCHY: Oh, we’re testing out a new update for Cut-Out where every time you mention our company, it buys something from it without consent. New marketing tactics.

CRAZY: Won’t we get backlash from this?

MATCHY: Nope, cuz everyone loves BP.

CUT-OUT: You have purchased a 6 ton box of expired Box Food. Thank you.

[Matchy and Crazy evil smile and laugh as we show the exterior]

NARRATOR: And that was, Behind the Box?!

CUT-OUT: We have purchased your life, BP thanks you.

Clayton’s Big Question
[Long Winded Intro]

CLAYTON: Good morning. Welcome to Clayton’s bi-

[Travis runs on stage and rugby tackles Clayton to the floor, causing a test screen to appear.]

Matchy's YouTube Channel
[3d Text Intro]

MATCHY: Hello fellow Larry fans, welcome back to my YouTube channel, today I'm going to react to this new YTP I found. Let's go!

[Title Card appears that reads “subscribe to T-Series”]

MATCHY: SUBSCRIBE TO T-SERIES? Is this a racist cartoon?

[3d Text Intro]

MATCHY: Hello fellow Larry fans, welcome back. Today I am going to do the eat raw chicken challenge. Sorry for not uploading in awhile I was too busy ban evading on this toxic wiki. Anyway, let's eat this raw chicken.

[Matchy eats the raw chicken]

MATCHY: Tastes great. Anyway, that's it for today's video, uh, raw chicken is amazing, thanks for watching. Bye. I love raw chicken.

[MUSICAL PERFORMANCE OF ‘Camdyn Blocked Me on Twitter’ by BFP.]

Exiting Monologue
JITDRA: I have to do an exiting monologue? Oh, fuck off--[Realises she’s on camera] OH! I hope all of you enjoyed our little sketch comedy show tonight, I know I did. It all worked out pretty smoothly and nothing went wrong. Absolutely nothing at all.

[Pan to the destroyed bar set, which is now on fire. Toilet is parading around and dancing with Tim’s decapitated head. We then pan to Matchy vomiting blood and bits of chicken into his webcam. Pan to the Clayton’s Big Question set, where security guards are forcing the now-naked Travis off of the distressed Clayton. Cut to EB the Original Master screaming in a box full of guinea pigs and game show buzzers, which are ringing constantly, as a faint “Clamiety eight” is heard in the background. Cut to Crazy in a box constantly repeating “O” to himself inside a cardboard box. We pan back to Dingus, with an intense, eerie grin on her face. She slowly holds a gun up to the right side of her head.]

JITDRA: It went perfectly.

[She pulls the trigger and it cuts to a black screen before the audience sees any bloodspill but a gunshot is heard. The credits roll.]

Trivia

 * This episode was written under a week with a news sketch covering the week's events, including the Notre Dame Cathedral being burnt down.
 * This is the first time a regular writer is the guest host, as there aren't many active members on SBFW who would be willing to host, and the first actual guest would be in episode 3.
 * This is British Fish Productions' television debut.
 * The opening background music is 'New York New York' by Frank Sinatra, even though the show is filmed in Chicago.