Goofballs/May 16, 2015

Screenplay
SCENE 1

MUSIC: electronic dance music - muffled - bg

FADE IN:

EXT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - EARLY EVENING - WINTER

Cars and other vehicles park outside IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor, inside which lights flash, indicating a party.

INT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR

MUSIC: becomes unmuffled - bg

A large banner hangs above the heads of many partygoers, reading “WELCOME TO CITY HALL, WESTON!” Many participants enjoy ice cream and other frozen desserts.

Pan through the parlor, until reaching one end of the building, signifying an imaginary V.I.P. section, in which the man of the hour, WESTON, and members VIOLET, BOB, WILLIAM and JASON stand, as well as a few of Weston’s friends and sister, WELBY.

WESTON You know, this ice cream’s really good --

VIOLET Oh, shut up about the ice cream, welcome to City Hall, man!

WILLIAM Yeah, the only place where you get to muck around 24/7 for a living.

BOB Amen to that.

JASON Hear, hear.

Members of the V.I.P. section raise their dairy in cheers, then proceed to bite off of it.

WESTON Again, I can’t begin to thank you guys enough for this huge party.

BOB Yeah, well, you’re the first City Hall member to actually be appointed the position; we all had it handed to us.

VIOLET Yeah, you’re welcome for that, by the way.

BOB Thank you.

VIOLET Uh-huh.

JASON (in between bites of finishing off his ice cream) So, Weston, what do you think you’re gonna do first as new City Hall member?

WESTON I don’t know, I mean, I haven’t really thought about it that much. I figured it’d be almost the same job as a moderator.

WILLIAM Oh, no, no. You’re with us now. There’s a lot of responsibility that goes into a job like this.

OTHERS (mutter in agreement)

WILLIAM (beat) Oh, who am I kidding? We eat pizza for breakfast! Man, trust me -- this is the sweet life. VIOLET Yeah, seriously, we literally do no work -- we stay up watching movies until 3 in the morning almost every day of the week.

BOB Yeah, and we get free food from almost every place just because we’re City Hall -- how do you think we got this huge party for you?

VIOLET It’s not just free food either. We get free stuff from everywhere, and we don’t have to do any work.

JASON Now, wait a minute, that’s not true. I do work.

VIOLET Yeah, but you’re Jason. You’re the only one old enough to do taxes and shit.

JASON Yeah, but you guys have to pitch in sometime.

WILLIAM (eyes glued to phone) Shhhhhhhhhhut up, Jason, I just found out that Flute Warriors 3 is out. We’re stopping at playCenter after this.

VIOLET (sighs) Fine, William.

BOB Jason, we don’t get paid for any of this. We live off of our free stuff and that tiny donation box.

WILLIAM Yeah, and that’s got more cobwebs than your mum’s panties.

(beat) Sorry.

VIOLET Wait, why do we even have taxes in the first place? We don’t get paid and we own the city.

JASON We... we don’t. I lied. I’ve literally just been writing fan-fiction about you and Bob for the past year.

BOB & VIOLET (offendedly) Jason!

JASON (grins, points at both) Jinx.

WILLIAM Hey, wait, where’s Weston?

The four look over to see a blank space in the spot Weston was previously standing. Also, everyone in the proclaimed V.I.P. section has also left with him.

At a different corner of the building stands DA NERD alone, holding his phone in one hand and using his thumb to type.

The Weston V.I.P. party sans City Hall comes walking by Da Nerd’s area, which prompts him to put his phone back in his pocket.

DA NERD Hey, Weston. Congrats, man!

The two shake hands.

WESTON Thanks, man. Hey, what’s your name? I haven’t seen you much around here.

DA NERD Ah, I’d rather not say. At parties like these, I’m usually just “that guy” (pulls out phone) playing on his phone to avoid any social interaction.

WESTON Ah, I see. Thanks for coming though.

DA NERD You too.

Weston and co. walk off. Da Nerd turns his phone back on and returns to typing, and slowly gets a look of embarrassed realization.

DA NERD (beat) Wait.

Meanwhile, the four City Hall gurus roam the party setting in search of Weston and his entourage.

VIOLET, BOB, WILLIAM, JASON (all calling indistinctly) Weston!, Where you at, Weston?, Where’s the man of the hour?, etc.

Pan over to Weston’s small group, keeping their heads low, who shuffle on in avoidance of City Hall.

However, Weston, at the head of the line, not looking, unintentionally rams his head right into the side of SIMON, holding a punch glass that spills onto his shirt upon impact.

SIMON Whoa!

WESTON Sorry. SIMON (wipes shirt with napkin) It’s okay. (beat) Um... whatcha doin’ there, Weston?

WESTON I... I don’t know, what are you doing?

Weston and his fellow mates get up off the ground, but Weston continues to try to find hiding spots and things and people to hide behind.

WESTON So, what’s up, Simon?

SIMON Not much. Um... I still don’t know what you’re doing.

WESTON Okay, honestly, I’m trying to hide.

SIMON Why?

WESTON I’d really rather not tell you why.

SIMON (raises eyebrow) Simon says tell why.

WESTON (given in) (sighs) That was clever. Alright, I really don’t like huge parties like this. It’s too crowded, there’s so many people here --

SIMON Isn’t that the same thing?

WESTON What?

SIMON Well, you listed both it being too crowded and there being so many people here, and that’s basically the same thing, right?

Weston looks down for a second and back up, then perks up in awkwardness.

WESTON I’m gonna leave now.

(to lackeys) Come on, guys.

Weston and his gang walk off.

SIMON Bye, Weston.

(calling from distance) Nice talk! (raises glass)

Meanwhile, the four City Hallsmen have given up on their search for Weston.

WILLIAM (sighs) I give up.

BOB (swaying a punch glass) Yeah. (beat) You know, this is just like Weston. Why’d we promote him in the first place? I mean, we got enough people in City Hall already, right? Just more crowding is what it is.

VIOLET (taking punch glass away) Okay, I think you’ve had enough of the punch. (beat) Now, I’m gonna go spike the punch bowl. Be back in a sec.

Violet walks off, leaving Bob, William and Jason.

JASON You guys do make a cute couple.

BOB You’re still on that?

WILLIAM Come on, guys, this is a party, let’s dance!

JASON Yeah, Bob, dance. Your lucky lady’s standing over there by the punch bowl.

Cut to Violet taking out a smuggled flask and tipping it over into the punch bowl.

Cut back, Bob gives a fierceful slap in return for Jason’s comment.

JASON (laughs giddily)

Meanwhile, Simon rapidly taps his thumbs on his phone screen to Flute Warriors Mobile. Da Nerd, walking by, bumps into Simon, spilling his newly refilled punch glass on his already-stained shirt.

SIMON How many times am I gonna get spilled on today?

Simon pauses his game and grabs the napkin sitting at the nearby bar that had been used to clean up his previous mess.

DA NERD Sorry. You’re just really short, I guess.

SIMON (scoffs) You’re one to talk.

Simon unpauses Flute Warriors and resumes playing.

Da Nerd starts to walk off, but getting a glance at Simon’s screen, decides to stay. His face blushes in excitement.

DA NERD Whoa, dude, is that Flute Warriors?

Simon pauses the game again in equal excitement.

SIMON Dude, you play?

DA NERD Yeah, dude!

SIMON Duuude! Add me!

Da Nerd whips out his phone and taps on an app instantly.

DA NERD What’s your FlutistTag?

SIMON CoolMirrorMan0214.

Da Nerd starts to type it in but quickly looks up strangely at Simon.

DA NERD Really?

SIMON What? I like mirrors.

DA NERD (typing) Alright.

(after finishing typing) There. I hope to face you in many Flute Battles.

SIMON Alright. (beat) Actually, can we do one right now? It looks like we both really want to avoid, well, everyone.

DA NERD Yeah, man. What were you thinking, “Blown Away” or “Fingers of Fury”?

SIMON “Aerophonic Destruction”.

DA NERD Ooh, you have got yourself a Battle.

Both hold their phones tightly in readiness.

Meanwhile, Weston sits alone at the bar, while his henchmen dance in the main area of the parlor.

IRMJII, serving as bartender in place of a different one who called in sick, wipes the bar to attend to Weston.

IRMJII Hey, Weston. What’s the man of the night doing over here?

WESTON I really, really just want to go home.

IRmjii starts to mix a non-alcoholic drink.

IRMJII Why’s that? I mean, you got this huge party for the rest of the night -- or at least until 10, ‘cause that’s when we close, but enjoy it!

WESTON That’s the thing, though. I don’t really like parties like these. I mean, look how many people there are.

IRMJII Yeah, but the only reason they came was because of you.

WESTON Even the passed out hooker at table eight?

IRMJII You mean your sister?

WESTON (beat after realization) Oh, my God.

IRmjii, having finished mixing his drink, hands it to Weston.

WESTON Thanks.

Weston takes a sip of the drink, but instantly spits it out.

WESTON Oh! What is this?

IRMJII Oh, I literally just took the two nearest things and mixed them. Looks like you got... hydrochloric acid and... some punch that smells funny.

WESTON (sarcastically) Thanks.

IRMJII That’ll be $12.99.

WESTON Put it on my tab. I’m probably gonna be here all night.

IRMJII 10:00. Remember.

Weston sighs and takes another sip of his drink.

Meanwhile, a small crowd crowds around the two small phone screens of Simon and Da Nerd, who are nearing the end of “Aerophonic Destruction”.

The crowd indistinctly shout things in encouragement of their favored players, including things at each other in argument of theirs and in dispute of the other’s.

Once the song ends, the crowd indistinctly cheers, while the game starts racking up all the stats. Ultimately, a “NERDWARRIOR12 WINS!” pops up on both screens. The crowd has mixed response in which those in favor of Da Nerd cheer and others boo or shout disagreements.

DA NERD Nerd Warrior always wins.

SIMON Yeah, except for all those times you lost.

DA NERD Well, yeah. Weird how we played the same song 9 times in a row though.

SIMON Crowd doesn’t seem to mind.

DA NERD Crowd? What crowd?

(looks over to see a crowd) Oh, my God, there’s a crowd.

Meanwhile, the City Hall gang watch from afar.

WILLIAM Hey, he’s pretty good, don’t you think?

JASON Wh... which one? You didn’t point to either of them.

WILLIAM I don’t pick sides.

VIOLET Yeah, well I’m betting that’s the most fingering they’re gonna be doing tonight.

WILLIAM Violet, they’re like 12.

DA NERD 13, actually. We can hear you, you know.

Pan over to see that they actually weren’t watching from afar, but a few feet away from the players.

Both Da Nerd and Violet go for a handshake.

DA NERD Da Nerd.

VIOLET Violet. You’ve probably heard of me though.

DA NERD Nope. VIOLET What? I’m the owner of the city.

DA NERD Oh. I mean, I just moved here like last week, and I thought some guy Arre owned it.

VIOLET She founded it a couple hundred years ago. I got it through inheritance.

DA NERD So... you didn’t actually do anything; just because Arre’s your ancestor means you can just instantly own a city.

VIOLET Yep.

DA NERD Good to know. (beat) I’m actually about to take off, but I’ll see you around.

VIOLET Alright. Take care.

Da Nerd grabs his coat, gives a quick wave to Simon in temporary farewell, and walks out of the parlor.

EXT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - PARKING LOT - NEARING 10:00

Da Nerd feels up his pockets to find his key, but can’t.

DA NERD (sighs) Where’d I park? (beat) Oh, right. I don’t have a car.

Da Nerd embarks on his walk home.

Opening sequence.

SCENE 2

INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY

The next morning, the four City Hall leaders sans Bob restlessly ear breakfast at a table in the City Hall office lobby.

Weston, dressed in a business suit and tie, walks into the front double doors.

WESTON Hey, guys.

OTHER THREE (indistinctly) Hey, Weston.

WESTON Hey, I heard someone spiked the punch last night?

VIOLET Oop. That was me.

WESTON I figured. Also, where's Bob?

VIOLET He drank the spiked punch.

WESTON Ah. (hangs coat on coat rack) Well, I'm gonna head to the office.

Weston starts to walk off.

WILLIAM Wait. You know you don't start till 9, right?

WESTON Yeah, I know, but I want to get there early to move all my stuff from my old office.

WILLIAM Ah, I see.

JASON There's no rush. A lot of people come in 2 hours late and still get the same amount of work done.

VIOLET Weston's an overachiever -- You go, Weston.

WESTON Thanks. See ya guys.

OTHER THREE (indistinctly) See ya.

Weston walks up the stairs and passes by a hungover Bob coming stumbling down.

WILLIAM Sleep well?

BOB (sleepless) Yeah. (beat) Got a raging headache though.

JASON I’ll get some ice for that.

VIOLET Nah, I got it.

Violet proceeds to splash her cup of ice water into Bob’s face, then promptly laughs. Bob, however, keeps his blank hungover face, grabs a chair from another table and pulls it up to the one the others are sitting at, then sits in it.

Bob grabs the cereal box sitting at one side of the table and stuffs his hand in it, then starts to eat it out of the box.

WESTON (calling from office) Hey, guys?

VIOLET, WILLIAM, JASON (indistinctly) Yeah?; Yeah, Weston?

WESTON I think I... broke something. Can you come here?

JASON (sighs) (calling) Alright, I’ll be right there!

(to others) Back in a sec.

Jason walks off towards the office to see what trouble Weston has gotten himself into.

Meanwhile, Violet grabs her keys and coat and heads for the door.

VIOLET Well, I’m gonna go down to the donut shop that opened not too far from here. Anyone want anything?

WILLIAM I’ll take a bear claw.

VIOLET Gruesome. Anything for you, Bob?

BOB No, no, I’m set. I got my cereal.

VIOLET Alright, back in 15.

Violet heads out.

WILLIAM Wait, 15 what?

Bob shrugs.

Jason returns from the office holding a shattered copy machine. He drops it down on the table and rests his hand on it.

JASON This is the kind of shit I have to put up with.

WILLIAM Wow. Weston did that?

Weston walks in behind Jason.

WESTON Sorry. I was making a copy of something, rested my arm on the machine for a second, and the next thing I knew, it was on the ground. I’m really sorry.

BOB Oh, my God, Weston. You know how much that thing cost?

WESTON No.

BOB I don’t either.

WILLIAM It actually wasn’t a bad deal. It was on sale the day we got it.

BOB Yeah, wasn’t it like 50% off?

WILLIAM Yeah, at least. JASON Guys, that’s not the point! We have to come up with the money to replace this.

WILLIAM Okay, when Violet gets back, we’ll figure it out together.

BOB Yeah.

JASON Wait, Violet’s gone?

WILLIAM Yeah, she took the car down to the donut shop.

JASON (dismayedly) No, no, no! Oh, God.

WILLIAM What? JASON I have to go pick up the paperwork we have to send in tomorrow. This day can’t get any worse.

WILLIAM You can have my bear claw.

EXT. STREETS - HIGHWAY

Violet drives the City Hall car down the highway.

VIOLET (sighs) I really wish we had music licensed so I could have the radio on.

The highway drops down into a freeway, which is separated by a line of cones.

A large truck swerves down the other side of the freeway, with its horn blaring.

VIOLET Damn.

Violet gets distracted from the road by the sight of the truck that she very closely misses the car turning onto her lane in front of her.

VIOLET Oh, God.

She slams her brakes then slowly accelerates again.

VIOLET That was close.

Suddenly, her phone rings. She takes her eyes off the road again to find her phone in her purse (she has cruise control on, don’t worry). Upon encountering it, she answers it and returns her eyes to the road.

VIOLET Hello?

JASON (o.s.) Violet.

VIOLET Hey, Jason. What’s up?

JASON (o.s.) You need to come back.

VIOLET Why? Can’t go 5 minutes without a little Violet in the room?

JASON (o.s.) No, I need to use the car.

VIOLET Well, I’m kind of on the freeway right now.

JASON (o.s.) Well, turn around.

VIOLET I can’t.

JASON (o.s.) Why not?

VIOLET (with emphasis) I’m on the freeway.

JASON (o.s.) (sighs) Okay. Can you just pick up a copy machine on the way back? Thanks. (hangs up)

VIOLET What? Jason!

Violet sighs and ends the call, then puts the phone back in her purse. However, in doing so and not looking at the road, she doesn’t notice the car veering off to the left, and eventually it ends up on the other side of the road. Just when she turns back, a large semi with its horn blaring rams right into the car, sending it spinning and crashing into the side of the freeway.

INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY

Jason puts his head down on the table across from hungover Bob almost finished with his cereal, the busted copy machine to the side of him, and a dismayed William on the other side of him.

JASON (sighs) This is exactly why I tell you guys not to touch the copier.

WESTON I said I’m sorry!

JASON You just get back to work.

WESTON Aye, aye, Captain. (salutes the air)

Weston returns to the office.

WILLIAM I guess I could help pay for the copier.

BOB I’m just... trying to eat my cereal.

JASON That’s not the part I’m worried about. I just... (groans) I don’t think this is working out for me.

WILLIAM What? What do you mean?

JASON I mean, I’ve had plans for that company for years now, and I’m still stuck leading a couple hundred person city with 3 other teenagers, and none of us have any idea what we’re doing. I think it’s time I finally do something with my life.

BOB What are you saying, Jason?

JASON I’m saying... I wanna quit. I wanna get the hell out of here and finally start my company. I’m sorry, guys, I can’t keep putting up with all the stuff I have to put up with here -- especially the seven thing, I mean, what’s up with that? That’s what drives me insane. Especially when you go as far as not letting anyone in who likes eight instead. And plus, you guys knew this would just be temporary.

WILLIAM Yeah, but, I mean, starting a company? You’re taking a shot in the dark here.

JASON No. (throws keys and ID on table) I just don’t know where I’m aiming yet.

Jason heads for the door.

WILLIAM (hopelessly) Wait... wh...?

BOB Jason!

Jason walks out the door and heads towards the city entrance.

William and Bob sulk.

WILLIAM One down, three to go.

BOB Yeah.

Just then, Jason’s phone rings. William looks over to see Violet as the caller ID and answers it.

WILLIAM Now’s not a good time, Vi.

VIOLET (o.s.) Um... okay, but I might be a bit late coming home.

BOB Oh, God, she’s not screwing another hitchhiker, is she?

WILLIAM (to Bob) Shh.

(to Violet) Why?

VIOLET (o.s., hesitantly) Kind of all of my bones are broken.

WILLIAM What? What happened?

VIOLET (o.s.) Some dumbass in a semi took me out. Can you come get me?

WILLIAM Um... I would, but the car’s our only means of transportation. I mean, I could take the bus, but I don’t think there’s a stop on the freeway.

VIOLET (o.s.) So, steal a car.

WILLIAM What, really?

VIOLET (o.s.) Yeah. Remember that summer I taught you how to hotwire a car?

WILLIAM Yeah, but... I don’t know.

VIOLET (o.s.) I’m sure they’ll understand. And plus, we’re City Hall. No one cares. You can leave a note when you’re done with it.

WILLIAM Alright, I guess. Be there in a bit.

VIOLET Thanks, Will.

William hangs up and puts Jason’s phone in his pocket.

WILLIAM Alright, I guess I’m hotwiring a car and picking up Violet. See ya in a bit.

BOB See ya.

Bob returns to eating his cereal, and William heads out.

EXT. CITY HALL - PARKING LOT

William exits the City Hall building and looks around for a car. He finds a minivan parked in a corner and decides that’ll have to do. He gets in, does his work, and speeds off -- or, goes the 30 mph limit the minivan can go to.

TIMECARD: A very, very long time later

EXT. STREETS - FREEWAY

William pulls over the minivan to tend to Violet, laying with a bottle of scotch next to her totaled car.

He gets out of the minivan.

VIOLET Oh. You’re here. Take me home.

WILLIAM Will do. What do we do with the car though?

VIOLET I don’t know. I tried driving it, wouldn’t go anywhere.

WILLIAM Why would you try driving it?

VIOLET I don’t know, could have been fun.

WILILLIAM Alright, I’ll take you home.

Violet follows William into the minivan. First signalling, the minivan turns into an open spot on the right side of the freeway and drives off.

SCENE 3

INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY

Violet and William walk into the City Hall lobby, William eating a bear claw and Violet holding a copier.

BOB Hey, guys.

VIOLET Hi. Jason’s probably gonna be real happy to find that we got a new copier.

BOB You didn’t tell her?

WILLIAM Tell her what? (beat) Oh yeah, by the way, Jason quit.

Violet drops the copier, which shatters on the floor.

VIOLET What?

BOB That was a brand new copier, wasn’t it?

VIOLET No, I found it outside the donut shop, but what? Jason’s gone?

WILLIAM Yeah. He said he was tired of putting up with all of this.

VIOLET Well, I can see where he’s coming from, I mean, I wouldn’t want to have to lead a city driven by seven and in hatred of eight. That seems like a lot of work.

BOB But... Violet, you do.

VIOLET Really? That seems like a lot of work.

WILLIAM (sighs) Bob, help me clean this up.

BOB (groans) Fine.

William and Bob sweep up the shattered fragments of the copier.

VIOLET 2 broken copiers, a new minivan and leave of a City Hall leader, and it’s not even noon.

BOB Wait, what do you mean new minivan?

WILLIAM Oh, yeah, the minivan I hotwired, we’re keeping that.

BOB Why?

VIOLET 6 seats, 3 leaders, we can all lay down and take up two seats. Comes in handy if we’re travelling and can’t afford a hotel.

WILLIAM Yeah, and also with Jason gone, we can’t afford to buy another car.

BOB You know this is someone’s minivan, right?

WILLIAM Already taken care of - I left a note and a couple hundred bucks in the parking space it was in.

BOB I’m pretty sure it cost more than a couple hundred bucks.

VIOLET Oh, shut up, Bob! Free minivan!

WILLIAM Yeah, I’m gonna run down to the locksmith later today and get keys made.

BOB (with emphasis) For someone else’s minivan.

WILLIAM No one has to know.

BOB Well, I’m going back to bed. This was a great morning.

Bob walks back up the stairs.

In a corner, a raggedy ADAM hides under a chair, holding a single apple, waiting for his all-clear.

VIOLET I’m gonna go catch up on the last 10 episodes of Ttyl, what with the party and everything.

WILLIAM Really, it’s backed up that much?

VIOLET Yeah, I’ve actually been doing work.

WILLIAM Huh. Alright, see ya. I’m gonna go see what’s in the fridge and then eat and/or drink whatever I find.

VIOLET Good plan.

Violet walks into a different room, while William stuffs his face into the fridge behind the front desk.

This gives Adam an opening to run for the front doors. He makes it out easily.

EXT. CITY HALL - PARKING LOT

Adam looks around for his family’s minivan, but can’t seem to find it. He walks over to the parking space that he remembers it was in to find a note and an envelope.

The note, in crude handwriting, reads: BORROWED MINIVAN FOR EMERGNCY BUT KEPT IT CUZ WE WANTED IT

HERE’S SOME $ TO MAKE UP FOR IT. - WILLIAM, CITY HALL

Adam opens the envelope to find a single $100 bill and a few 5s. His body fills with rage and hopelessness and decides to walk home.

Adam embarks on his walk home, with the envelope hanging out of his pocket. He crumples the note and throws it on the ground.

ADAM Damn City Hall.