Goofballs/October 4, 2015

Screenplay
SCENE 1

FADE IN:

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - STREETS

SOUND: HIGH-FREQ RINGING, POLICE SIRENS, HELICOPTERS WHIRRING

TOPH is seen lying on the floor, stunned, next to a fallen building and a layer of dust. A few police cars surround the scene, and a police helicopter floats above.

Soon, VIOLET, BOB and DA NERD rush to him.

VIOLET (breathing heavily) Toph! Toph! Toph!

DA NERD Oh, my God!

BOB (with serious tone) Toph. (shakes, pats face) Come on, buddy, get up.

Toph soon awakes from unconsciousness.

TOPH Wh... what happened?

BOB Toph, do you have any memory of what just happened?

TOPH (strained) Uh... no. Actually, I can’t remember anything.

VIOLET Alright, we gotta get you home.

Bob lifts Toph and carries him over his shoulder.

TOPH Wait, what’s -- what’s happening? Who are you?

BOB Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh...

They walk away from the scene, off into the distance.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

Cold water from a large bucket splashes onto Toph’s face, the committer being Bob.

VIOLET Wait, you’re not doing enough. You gotta --

BOB No, it’s fine, he’s waking up.

VIOLET No, you -- give me that.

Violet yanks the bucket away and proceeds to splash a significant amount of water into Toph’s face. Toph, having been awake the entire time, grows more frustrated with each splash.

BOB Okay, no, that’s too much. Here, let me --

VIOLET No, no, I got it.

The two begin to fight over the bucket, effectively splashing more and more water into Toph’s face at the same time. Eventually, this proves to be too much for the now fully conscious Toph and he fuels with anger.

TOPH (gasping for air, drowning) Okay, that’s enough!

The two stop fighting and Bob sets the bucket down on the floor. TOPH (CONT’D) (more calmly) I’m awake now. Now, can someone tell me what the hell is going on? And get me a rag?

Da Nerd silently hands Toph a towel, and he begins drying his soaked face off with it.

BOB Alright, I’ll tell you from the beginning. So, it all --

VIOLET Wait, no, you egg, I’m gonna tell him.

BOB No, I’m gonna tell him.

VIOLET I doubt it.

BOB You little --

DA NERD Alright, stop! I’ll tell him. (beat) God.

(to Toph) Okay. So, it all started in winter a long time ago.

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - ENTRANCE - ANCIENT

A seemingly peaceful outdated entrance to Septem City stands at the end of a path leading to the city. However, suddenly the entrance falls, revealing the chaos happening.

EXT. CITY HALL - ENTRANCE

Using the City Hall as a base camp, several army men, including Violet, Bob, WILLIAM and JASON, hide from the attacks from the other side. A tall yellow flag with a 7 clearly printed on it stands in front of the City Hall. Pan over to roughly the middle of the city, in which a long white line is painted. Pan further to reveal a tall red flag with an 8 printed on it in front of a tall skyscraper, which the Eights use as a base camp.

The EIGHTS’ GENERAL gives a gesture pointing at the Sevens.

EIGHT GENERAL Fire!

Following instruction, a few army men standing behind cannons ignite their weaponry and each fire a cannonball across the city, which lands conveniently in the City Hall, completely obliterating the building as the Sevens inside barely escape.

JASON Damn! Alright, men, move out.

VIOLET What do you think we should do?

JASON I have no idea. Just... go. I’ll think of something.

VIOLET What? But, Jason --

JASON I said move, and that’s an order.

VIOLET Alright, alright, General Impatience. (insert better insult here)

The Sevens move out, all in different directions. Meanwhile, the Eights ready for another attack.

The Eights’ general gives another gesture. This time, eight cannons fire, none of them missing a building or structure. However, no Sevens are hit.

WILLIAM Okay, this isn’t even fair. We don’t even have a general, for God’s sakes!

Jason walks towards William and clears his throat.

WILLIAM Okay, we don’t have a good general.

Jason promptly slaps William.

BOB Alright, ladies, you’re both beautiful, now can we actually maybe go in with a plan this time?

VIOLET He’s right -- well, I mean, he stole that insult I was just about to use -- but he’s right.

WILLIAM Well, what’s your big plan then?

BOB I don’t know, I was hoping our general here could venture one.

JASON (beat) Oh, that’s me. Um...

(unsurely) maybe... we invade?

VIOLET Wow, great idea, that’ll definitely get us killed.

BOB Yeah, come on, have you seen how big their defense is? There’s got to be at least 20 of them just guarding the line. WILLIAM Guys, we can’t give up now. We can do it, if we just believe in ours--

JASON Yep, we’re dead. White flag?

VIOLET Sure. Why not?

BOB Seconded-ed.

Jason, Violet and Bob walk off, while William stays standing there, and gets a determined look as he walks off in the other direction.

Meanwhile, from the Eights’ point of view, the soldiers notice the trio raising the white flag over their yellow 7 flag.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 (points) Look! They’re raising the white flag.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Oh, my God, shut up, we literally all saw that.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Okay, wow, I was just making sure.

The Eights all collectively cheer and whoop in celebration.

EIGHT GENERAL Nice job, men. Made them surrender in less than 5 minutes. Alright, move out.

The Eights all start walking in one direction.

EIGHT GENERAL No, the other way. We won, (under breath) you dumbasses.

The Eights walk in the other direction, with the general following.

However, soon, the men stop.

EIGHT SOLDIER #3 Hey, does anyone smell smoke?

Suddenly, William, among 20 or so other Sevens, stand behind their own cannons. William gives a gesture.

WILLIAM Hasta la vista, bitches!

All 20 or so cannons fire, ripping right through the white flag and obliterating the Eights’ base.

The Sevens cheer, while the Eights panic.

EIGHT GENERAL Um... I was not prepared for this.

EIGHT SOLDIER #4 What should we do now?

EIGHT GENERAL We’re going to have to do it.

EIGHT SOLDIER #4 Oh no... you don’t mean...?

EIGHT GENERAL Yep. Get the men ready.

EIGHT SOLDIER #4 Right away -- wait, isn’t that your job?

EIGHT GENERAL That was an order. Move, move!

The soldier moves out. Soon, around 50 Eights push a huge boxed up structure to the line. The men guarding the line step out of the way. A soldier pulls the string opening the box, revealing a huge tower of cannons. EIGHT SOLDIER #4 Whenever you’re ready, gen--

EIGHT GENERAL Fire!

Men standing behind each cannon in the towering structure pull the string, firing each and every cannon.

The Sevens immediately stop cheering at the attention of the incoming blow.

BOB Oh, my God! Look out!

Panic ensues. A beautiful but menacing arrangement of cannons in the shape of a very large and towering 8 falls onto the Sevens’ side. Men seek shelter as the cannons all make a huge blow into the land. A vigorous amount of rumbling follows impact.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

TOPH Holy crap. So, wait, is that the explosion that caused my still-effective amnesia?

DA NERD No. What? What the hell? I literally said this happened a long time ago.

TOPH Well, sorry, I’m suffering severe head trauma.

DA NERD God. At least pay attention. (beat) Anyways...

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - BATTLE - ANCIENT

Several shots fire back and forth from either side.

DA NERD (V.O.) ...things seemed bleak after that. A few more shots were fired back and forth, but nothing much really happened. Both sides were just about ready to give up.

TOPH (V.O.) Wait, but I thought we did give up.

DA NERD (V.O.) No -- oh, my God, pay attention. Anyways, we needed a plan.

Violet approaches Bob and William.

VIOLET Guys, we need a plan.

WILLIAM Yeah; first order of business: replace General Stuck-up-his-ass over there.

BOB Done and done. I’ll fill in for him.

WILLIAM Great.

VIOLET Wait, who said you get to be the general?

BOB Um... well, William, do you want to be the general?

WILLIAM No, I can’t, my throat’s sore from this weekend.

BOB (to Violet) That’s why.

VIOLET What about me?

BOB What about you?

VIOLET Why can’t I be the general?

BOB Um... William, you ever hear of any female generals?

WILLIAM No. You?

BOB Nope.

(to Violet) That’s why.

VIOLET I’d still be more of a man than you’ll ever be.

BOB But... if I was the one actually in combat, wouldn’t I be more of a man?

VIOLET Okay, shut up. Let me be general.

BOB No.

VIOLET Why not?

BOB Because... I called it.

WILLIAM It is true. He called it.

BOB I called it. Sorry.

VIOLET What? That -- that’s not how it works!

BOB Alright then, all in favor of me being general, say aye.

BOB & WILLIAM Aye.

BOB The ayes have it. Sorry, Violet.

VIOLET Okay, listen here, you little --

BOB Ah! You will address the general by his proper title.

VIOLET Oh, I’ll address something --

WILLIAM Okay, that’s enough. We’re never going to win this thing if we’re fighting with each other. Can we put this aside and try to come up with some sort of plan?

BOB Alright, he’s right. WILLIAM I know I’m right.

BOB (beat) So, what do you got?

VIOLET I don’t know. You’re the general.

BOB Yeah, but the general doesn’t have to do anything. That’s how it works, right, William?

WILLIAM Right. They just sit and boss everyone around.

JASON What the hell? You better not be talking about me.

BOB Oh, hi, Jason. No, we’re not.

JASON Really? I heard talk about the general.

BOB Yeah, we forgot to tell you, I’m the general now.

JASON What? Since when?

BOB Since... (checks watch) 43 seconds ago.

WILLIAM Yep, we did the ceremonial “ayes” and everything.

JASON Wait, but... you need the previous general to consent to it, don’t you?

BOB (beat) No, that’s not a rule.

WILLIAM Yeah, no, that’s not...

VIOLET Yeah, I hate to admit it, but that isn’t a rule. You can reassign general whenever you want.

JASON Wait... no, you can’t. I have the official handbook right here. (pulls out handbook) On section 3, article b --

VIOLET Nope, it’s not a rule.

Violet proceeds to throw Jason’s handbook in a random direction.

JASON Oh, my God, you can’t just --

WILLIAM Okay, really, seriously, Jason, are we even doing anything by the rules?

BOB Yeah, like I don’t even know half of the stuff in that book.

JASON (sighs) Alright, but why?

VIOLET ‘Cause you suck.

JASON No, I know that, I mean why him?

WILLIAM My throat’s sore.

VIOLET Yeah, and besides, he called it. (rolls eyes)

JASON Ah, I see. Well, good luck with that, I’m going on leave.

BOB No, you don’t. That’s, like, illegal or something.

JASON Do I look like I care?

BOB Wait, no, you have to fight. For me.

JASON (whiningly) Whyyyy?

VIOLET Come on, you big baby. Get in there.

JASON But that’s, like, the whole reason I was general in the first place.

WILLIAM What? Are you afraid of fighting?

JASON No, I’m just lazy as hell.

BOB Oh, my God, get in there. Fight for our nation. Our freedom. Or something.

JASON This is 2009. What the hell?

VIOLET (sternly) Go.

JASON Alright, alright, alright, fine.

Jason walks off.

BOB Wait, where’s he going? We still don’t have a plan.

VIOLET Oh, yeah.

(to Jason) Okay, get back here!

Jason sighs heavily and walks back towards the trio.

JASON What?

WILLIAM We still don’t have a plan.

JASON Ah. Yeah, that might be a good thing to have before we go in.

VIOLET Yeah.

BOB Um... (palms slap against one another, awkwardly) JASON You guys got anything?

OTHERS (collectively) No.

JASON Hmm.

WILLIAM (snaps fingers) Got it.

OTHERS - What? - What is it?

WILLIAM Alright, lean in and form a huddle. I’ll whisper it to you.

VIOLET Um... okay.

BOB Wait, why?

WILLIAM I don’t know, shut up.

All of them huddle up and William indistinctly whispers to the others. After a suspiciously short time, the four break and move out.

MUSIC: DRAMATIC MUSIC

The four, each wielding a shield with a yellow 7 clearly printed on it run cinematically down a large hill, all with determined warrior looks.

Suddenly, the dramatic music stops; Jason trips and falls the rest of the way down the hill.

VIOLET Oh, my God. BOB Are -- are you okay?

JASON Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The dramatic music returns and the four reach the white line border. The music pauses and swells.

As the four bravely run across the border, they start imitating the dramatic music through vocalization.

No longer imitating the music, the four run straight past armed soldiers and their swords using their shields. They soon come to the large building marking the Eights’ base.

BOB There it is.

JASON Wait, didn’t we blow that up?

VIOLET Oh, yeah.

WILLIAM Huh.

BOB Strange. (beat) Well, let’s move out.

The four daringly run inside the building. Passing through the few soldiers guarding the entrance, they proceed to run up the entire 40-story staircase, getting more breathless and tired the more they go up. The music starts to dissolve and warps away along with the four’s willingness to go on.

The four, breathing heavily, collapse on the staircase.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 2

INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY

Da Nerd and Toph stand near the microwave, in which popcorn kernels pop to life, which somewhat drowns out their conversation.

TOPH So then what happened?

DA NERD Well, after they passed out, a few soldiers were alerted of their presence and they, still unconscious, were brought to the guillotine and beheaded in front of the whole city, so they never got to wake up.

TOPH Wait, what!?

DA NERD Oh, my God, I’m joking.

TOPH Oh, thank God.

DA NERD Actually, no, I’m not. I just said that to make you feel better.

TOPH What? But those other two people, they’re in the story. They can’t be dead.

DA NERD Whoever said they died?

TOPH Well, if you get your freakin’ head cut off, you’re probably going to die.

DA NERD Probably. You know, a lot of people live without heads, whether that’s immediately obvious or not.

TOPH So what do they do? Just reattach their heads?

DA NERD No, actually, it grows back.

TOPH What?

DA NERD Yeah, I know. It’s kinda freaky for those 3 months that it takes to grow back though, but you get used to it.

TOPH Okay, you can stop, I know you’re joking.

DA NERD Took you long enough, damn.

TOPH So what really did happen?

DA NERD Well...

FADE IN:

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - EIGHTS’ SIDE

The four wake up to an excessive amount of water splashing in their face.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Wait, you’re not doing enough. You gotta -- EIGHT SOLDIER #2 No, it’s fine, they’re waking up.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 No, you -- give me that.

The first soldier yanks the bucket of water from the second, and proceeds to splash a significant amount of water into each of the four’s faces.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Okay, no, that’s too much. Here, let me --

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 No, no, I got it.

The two begin to fight over the bucket, effectively splashing more and more water into the four’s faces. Eventually, this proves to be too much for the now fully conscious four and they fuel with anger.

BOB (gasping for air, drowning) Okay, that’s enough! (coughs) We’re awake.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Ah, great, you’re not going to want to miss this.

VIOLET Miss what?

Zoom out to show that the four are tied to a tall wooden 8, with a single soldier at the bottom holding a lit torch.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 The effective disposal of the worst thing that’s happened to this city.

JASON So... a suicide pact?

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 No. Literally, look down.

JASON Okay, but I don’t see -- (looks down, face fills with panic) oh, my God!

WILLIAM Wait, what -- why?

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Um... because, you’re like, scum or something. I don’t know, general’s orders.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 (to soldier #2) Hey, speaking of the general, he just gave us the command to light the thing. Should we go ahead and just do it or...?

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Yeah, man, go for it.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Really? Me?

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Yeah, I believe in you. Go, do it.

The other men begin to crowd around the soldier. CROWD (chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Soldier #1 steps down a ladder and takes the torch from the soldier standing at the bottom of the wooden tower. He shakily lifts the torch and presses it against the tower. However, it does not light immediately. The crowd’s chanting starts to slow.

The soldier continues trying to light it, getting more frustrated with each attempt. He throws the torch down in frustration, which then lights himself on fire.

He proceeds to scream in panic, with statements such as: - Oh, my God, I’m on fire! - Someone, help me! - Holy shit!

The crowd runs towards the soldier, but somehow manages to trample over him, which also effectively knocks the 8 tower over, sending it crashing into the building base. This completely destroys both the building and the tower, detaching the rope tying the four to the tower and landing them safely on the ground.

BOB Move out.

The four move into the building; to keep them hydrated, Bob tosses a water bottle to each of them to avoid collapsing on the staircase this time.

However, this fails to work.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - EIGHTS’ SIDE

The four wake up to an excessive amount of water splashing in their face.

BOB Oh, no.

JASON Not again.

Soldier #1 stands alongside Soldier #2 in front of the four again, this time scorched and black from the burns.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Yes, again!

Soldier #2 splashes water from the bucket once again.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Okay, you can stop.

Soldier #2 solemnly sets the bucket down.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Only this time, I won’t get burned.

VIOLET Okay, how can you be so sure of that?

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Because he’s going to do it.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Wait, me? What? We never agreed to that.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 I did it last time!

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Yeah, and look how that turned out.

WILLIAM Wait, but that still doesn’t mean you’re not going to get burned. I mean, we can roast you any time. JASON William, you’re not really in a place to be roasting other people, you scrawny ginger. You look like Ron Weasley had a kid with himself.

BOB & VIOLET (wildly) Ohhhhhhhhhh!!

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Wow. I felt that from over here. Anyways, go.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Wait, but --

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 (sternly) Now.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 What if I don’t?

Cut, show Soldier #2 tied up with the other four.

BOB How you doing?

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Ah, I’ve had worse days.

JASON Okay, this is getting ridiculous. You’d better let us go right now. We’re still in charge of the city.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Yeah? How’s that working out for you?

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 (CONT’D) Now, I’m going to stand safely up here and let the guy with the torch do the actual lighting this time. (snaps) Oh, and just as a pre- cautionary, I’ve got this (takes out fire extinguisher) state-of-the-art fire extinguisher.

BOB Why does it have to be state-of-the-art?

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Be-because... shut up.

(to Soldier #5) You ready?

Soldier #5 gives a thumbs up.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Wait, you should probably wait for the general to say --

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Go!

Soldier #5 lights the torch to the towering 8. Again, it does not light.

EIGHT SOLDIER #1 Okay, are you serious? Is this thing even made of wood?

Soldier #5 continues to try and light the wooden statue, but it does not budge. However, a quick muscle spasm causes the torch to light the ladder leading to the platform that Soldier #1 is standing on. Sure enough, the ladder is wood and the fire lights.

Soldier #1 rushes to use the fire extinguisher, but alas, it is empty and the soldier is left to face his inevitable fate, once again.

JASON (to Soldier #2) Hey, can you grab that?

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Grab what?

JASON That thing that looks like where they tied the rope.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Oh, that?

JASON Yeah, that.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Oh, well, that actually is where they tied the -- ohh...

JASON Yeah.

Soldier #2 proceeds to loosen the knot, and eventually, the rope detaches. However, they have forgotten to take into account that they are 100 feet above the ground and will soon plummet to their death. The inevitable happens and they are sent falling.

Midway through the fall, Soldier #2 is still hanging onto the rope.

BOB Well, this is it. We’ve looked death straight in the eye before, but this is really happening now.

VIOLET Oh no, I am really not in the mood to go to hell right now.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Wait, why am I still holding onto the rope? That’s weird.

JASON Oh, my God, you’re still holding onto the rope?

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 Yeah, I know, that’s weird --

JASON Dude! Give me that.

After struggling briefly, Soldier #2 releases his grasp on the rope and it lands in Jason’s. He then proceeds to wrap the rope back around the wooden 8, and grabs Soldier #2’s hand on the swing.

JASON (to Soldier #2) Okay, grab Violet’s hand.

EIGHT SOLDIER #2 But... she’s a girl, that’s... ew.

JASON Oh, my God, just do it.

Soldier #2 grabs onto Violet’s hand, and she proceeds to dangle from the extremely dangerous sweaty grasp of Jason.

Violet then grabs onto Bob, who grabs onto William.

VIOLET Now what?

JASON We’re going to jump on 3. Ready?

BOB What? No!

JASON Guys, trust me. I almost majored in physics.

VIOLET You went to college for three days!

JASON Not now! Come on. 1...

WILLIAM This is it. I always knew you guys would be the death of me.

JASON 2...

BOB This is never going to work.

JASON 3!

The five all jump, and because of Jason’s firm grasp, they all swing as the rope wraps nicely around and down the 8 statue. They continue swinging until the rope reaches its end near the bottom of the statue.

JASON Now we’re going to have to jump off.

WILLIAM What? That’s, like, at least a 10 foot drop.

JASON Come on, we gotta do it. It’s now or never.

VIOLET Count it down again.

JASON We don’t have that much time before --

VIOLET (shrieks) Do it!

JASON (shaken) Uh... 1... 2... 3!

The five all jump and land on the ground, a majority of them doing somersaults as they land.

JASON Alright, now, let’s move out.

VIOLET Alright, our main problem here is that we keep passing out. How do we fix that?

BOB Well, just water didn’t work. What else can we do?

WILLIAM Let’s, um... let’s take it slow. One step at a time. It’ll give our bodies a chance to rest.

JASON (beat) What? No.

BOB That’s a horrible idea.

VIOLET Come on, William.

JASON I say we just do it as fast as we can and get it done with. BOB Good plan.

VIOLET Yeah, let’s do that.

JASON Yeah!

BOB Yeah!

VIOLET Yeah!

WILLIAM Wait, no, that’s...

Jason, Bob and Violet move out. William sighs heavily and follows.

SCENE 3

INT. SEPTEM CITY - EIGHTS’ SIDE - EIGHTS’ BASE

As always, Jason, Bob and Violet simply sprint up the staircase, and as always, they start to get breathless a few floors up. William, however, follows at a balanced pace.

Soon, the other three pass out, but William keeps going.

William does eventually get to the top floor, and eyes a cabinet in the corner of the room the staircase leads to. Opening the cabinet reveals a picture of the Eights’ general, most likely drunk, taking shots at a party with a large crowd behind them, many of which are doing illegal acts.

WILLIAM (deviously) Perfect.

William, holding the picture runs back down the staircase, tripping on the other three on the way. This, by chance, wakes them up, and the four continue running down.

They are greeted by the Eights’ general himself at the entrance of the building.

EIGHT GENERAL Oh, hello. What can I do for you?

WILLIAM Um, well, you can start by explaining what’s happening in (takes out picture) this picture.

The Eights’ general immediately grows panicked and nervous.

EIGHT GENERAL Where did you find that?

VIOLET I don’t think that’s any of your business.

BOB Furthermore, we will show everyone this picture if you don’t restore balance to our city, including the Board of Generals.

EIGHT GENERAL Oh no, not the Board! Anything but that.

JASON We’ll make you a deal. If you and your Eights kindly leave right now, we’ll rip up the picture and forget this whole thing ever happened. Deal?

EIGHT GENERAL Deal. But I get to rip it up.

JASON Um, sure, whatever.

The two share a handshake. The general steps towards his army.

EIGHT GENERAL Retreat!

The Eight army follows his order and starts walking out the entrance of the city.

JASON Aren’t you going to rip it up?

EIGHT GENERAL What? No.

JASON What -- but, we shook on it.

EIGHT GENERAL So?

JASON Okay, what do you even want the picture for?

EIGHT GENERAL You see that cute blonde in the corner there? (points to corner of picture)

JASON Um, sure, yeah.

EIGHT GENERAL That’s my ex-wife. Left me in the July of 2004.

JASON Um... wouldn’t that just be more reason to rip it up?

EIGHT GENERAL After all we’ve been through, I still love you, Julie. (kisses picture softly)

JASON Um...

EIGHT GENERAL If you’re not a fool, you’ll come back to me. If I’m not a fool, you wouldn’t have left.

JASON (to others) Should we go?

EIGHT GENERAL I think about you day and night, and I miss waking up with you by my side.

The others awkwardly step out as the general expresses his inner monologue.

EIGHT GENERAL Please come back to me, Julie. Please. (starts sobbing) Please.

The general leans against the wall and starts weeping.

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - PLAZA

Jason, Violet, Bob and William run to the crowd gathered in the city plaza, and they all cheer.

DA NERD (V.O.) And so, peace was restored, and the city has grown to become the one that we know and love.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

TOPH Okay, um, great history lesson, I’d rate it like a 6/10, but what does this have to do with what happened to me?

DA NERD Okay, okay, I’m getting there. I’ll skip ahead a bit. The next big event happened when someone who would end up to be really important came to the city: me.

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - ENTRANCE - A FEW YEARS EARLIER

Da Nerd passes through the low security at the entrance of the city as he enters, along with the long line of people following.

Rolling a bag alongside him, he takes a look from the path overlooking the city, then continues to walk down the path.

EXT. SEPTEM PARK

His brief time inside the city is interrupted by William, who trips on Da Nerd backing up in anticipation of catching the ball being thrown at him by Bob a few yards away.

WILLIAM Oops, sorry about that.

DA NERD Oh, it’s no problem. I’ll help you up.

Da Nerd helps William up off the ground, which leads into a handshake between the two.

WILLIAM (V.O.) Wait a minute.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

William stands at the doorway of Toph’s room.

WILLIAM (CONT’D) That’s not how it happened at all.

DA NERD What? What do you mean? Shhh... EXT. SEPTEM PARK

The scene replays, again starting with William tripping over Da Nerd and the ball coming at him flying overhead both of them.

WILLIAM Oops, sorry about that. Can you --

DA NERD Ah, what the hell!? I’m walking here!

WILLIAM Okay, geez, sorry, I was just --

DA NERD Oh, my God, you probably dented my laptop!

WILLIAM I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there, I was --

Da Nerd rushes to his bag and takes no time emptying all of the contents, then proceeds to inspect each item thoroughly.

DA NERD Okay. Phew. It’s all good.

Da Nerd then struggles to pack everything back in the bag, in which it had been neatly packed before. By now, William has gotten up on his own.

DA NERD (CONT’D) I’m still mad though.

WILLIAM What? Why? Nothing broke.

DA NERD Well, I’m just walking here and you -- !

WILLIAM God damn, I said I was sorry!

DA NERD Okay, just... watch your surroundings. Okay?

WILLIAM Alright. We cool?

DA NERD No.

WILLIAM Why not? What do you want from me?

DA NERD You sprained my ankle.

WILLIAM So? What do you want me to do about it?

DA NERD Nothing, it just... hurts.

WILLIAM Oh, my God, what am I supposed to do?

DA NERD Well... money is the number one source of happiness.

WILLIAM I have, like, negative $14.

DA NERD No, I was just saying that because I have a hell of a lot of money.

WILLIAM Um, okay... shouldn’t you be happy then?

DA NERD No. WILLIAM What? Why not?

DA NERD Well, someone who wasn’t watching where they were going kind of sprained my ankle.

WILLIAM I said I was sorry!

DA NERD Anyone can just say sorry, it matters whether or not you do something about it.

WILLIAM Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it?

DA NERD Kiss it.

WILLIAM What!?

DA NERD You heard me. Kiss my boo-boo.

WILLIAM I’m not kissing your --

DA NERD (sternly) Kiss. It.

DA NERD (V.O.) Okay, that is not how it happened at all.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

WILLIAM Yeah, it is, I remember that exactly. DA NERD Why the hell would I want you to kiss it? That’s weird.

WILLIAM Well, I don’t know, you’re weird; you’re the one who said it.

DA NERD You’re weird for making up a story like that. Latent fantasies?

WILLIAM What are you trying to say?

DA NERD You’re weird.

WILLIAM Nuh-uh, you’re weird.

DA NERD Oh, it is you who is the weird one.

WILLIAM You’re weirder by a mile, God.

TOPH Okay, that’s enough, you’re both weird. Now can we move on and actually get to the part where you explain what happened to me?

DA NERD I’m getting there. You have to know a little bit more of our history before it makes sense.

TOPH What? I get it. We’re the Sevens, the bad guys are the Eights, and everyone around here has some serious problem.

DA NERD (beat) Okay, yeah, that kind of sums it up, but shh.

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - APARTMENT BUILDING

A small apartment building stands between other buildings as part of a strip mall.

DA NERD (V.O.) So anyways, I had just moved into the city, and I was looking for work.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOM DA NERD

Da Nerd sits in the single lawn chair in the center of his empty apartment, other than the small table sitting in front of him. He takes a sip from a coffee cup, then immediately spits it out as a result of it being hot.

TOPH (V.O.) Wait, I thought you were rich.

EXT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

TOPH (CONT’D) How come you were sitting in a lawn chair drinking coffee in a shitty apartment?

DA NERD Oh, yeah. I lied. I had like $15 and half a PB&J when I moved here.

TOPH You just brought half of a sandwich?

DA NERD No, it was a full sandwich, it just only had jelly.

TOPH It wouldn’t be a PB&J then, would it?

DA NERD Well, you can’t just call it an “&J”. That’s stupid.

TOPH Jelly sandwich.

DA NERD No. Shut up.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOM DA NERD

Da Nerd continues sitting in the chair in the empty apartment, when suddenly, his phone vibrates, prompting him to take it out. He then unlocks it and slides down the notification panel from the top of the screen, showing a notification:

Mail (da.nerd@sevenmail.ua) IRmjii There is a position open for bartender...

He proceeds to tap the notification to show the full email:

RE: IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor Application There is a position open for bartender right now. We can set up a time for an interview if you want it. --	IRmjii (777)555-0170	irmjii@irmjiiicecream.ua

Da Nerd types and sends his response:

That would be great! I can come in whenever. Respond with the date and time as soon as possible. Thanks!

Soon after, IRmjii responds:

Come in on Monday morning around 9. Bring a resume. --	IRmjii (777)555-0170	irmjii@irmjiiicecream.ua

DA NERD A résumé. Where could I get one of those?

Da Nerd takes his laptop out of his bag and sets it on the table in front of him. He then promptly opens a new tab in Opera and types in “how to make a resume”. Not noticing it is an ad at first, he clicks the first result.

EXT. SEPTEM PARK

The citizens of Septem City peacefully walk around Septem Park and sit in benches as they enjoy the natural scenery.

Closer to the entrance of the park lies a small hill. Gathered around the hill are RILEY, MIKE and TRAVIS.

RILEY It’s my hill because I got here first.

TRAVIS Um, no, it’s my hill because you got the last one.

MIKE It’s my hill because I will kick both of your asses if you don’t give it up.

Interrupting the quiet sequence of park-revolved events, Da Nerd comes running through the entrance of the park, and runs through the park, also knocking anything and everything in his way, including pushing not one, but two people into the water fountain at the center of the park.

He continues running and reaches IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor at the end of the block. INT. IRmjii’s ICE CREAM PARLOR

A bell rings as Da Nerd rushes inside. The clock, notably, says 10:15. Da Nerd pants heavily, out of breath. A BARTENDER stands behind the counter.

BARTENDER Hey, how can I help you?

Da Nerd makes his hand into a fist and looks high up in dismay.

DA NERD (sustainedly) Noooooooooooooooo...!

BARTENDER (beat) Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to not do that.

Da Nerd recollects himself.

DA NERD (sighs) Sorry. Um, I’ll have a mocha to go.

The bartender begins to make the mocha.

BARTENDER That’ll be $2.98.

DA NERD Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

Da Nerd takes out his wallet, only to see that it is empty.

DA NERD Oh, no.

BARTENDER Hey, you know, if you’re low on money, there’s a job opening.

DA NERD Wait, what?

BARTENDER Yeah, the position’s still open. The guy who they were going to interview today never showed up.

DA NERD I feel like that’s me.

BARTENDER Really? Um, you can probably still go in there.

DA NERD Really? I’m like an hour late.

BARTENDER It doesn’t really matter.

DA NERD Oh, cool. Um... see you later then, potential coworker.

Da Nerd starts to walk towards the door behind the counter.

DA NERD Wait, where do I go?

BARTENDER No, you’re going the right way. That door back there, then take a left.

DA NERD Okay, um, thanks again.

Da Nerd starts heading towards the door again.

BARTENDER Wait.

DA NERD What?

BARTENDER Do you still want that mocha? DA NERD Do employees get it free?

BARTENDER No.

DA NERD Well, I can’t really pay for it so I guess not.

BARTENDER Well, what am I supposed to do with this now? (I don’t like dark chocolate!)

INT. IRmjii’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - BACK ROOM

Da Nerd walks into an eerie, dark room.

SOUND: WIND WHISTLING

DA NERD Hello?

The lights suddenly flicker on, revealing a long table and a tall chair, with a man sitting in it, his back turned to Da Nerd.

IRmjii I’ve been expecting your arrival.

IRmjii suddenly swivels his chair around to face Da Nerd.

IRmjii (CONT’D) Since over an hour ago.

DA NERD Okay, I know, and I’m sorry, but I was getting my résumé done.

IRmjii What? You didn’t even have it before you filled out the application? DA NERD I know, I know, but I did get it done.

Da Nerd takes out the résumé from his pocket and hands it to IRmjii, who takes a look at it.

IRmjii Huh... nice glossy finish, good background... did you do this yourself?

DA NERD No, actually, I got it done professionally. Set me back like $500 but it was worth it, wasn’t it?

IRmjii Um... you could have just, like, typed this all out in Word or something.

DA NERD Wait... really? People can do that?

IRmjii Um, yeah. Anyway, it looks like you’ve got some good eligibility... all required references...

IRmjii puts the résumé into a portfolio.

IRmjii (CONT’D) It’ll be considered. I’ll give you a call.

DA NERD Wait... what? There’s more?

IRmjii Um, yeah. There’s more people who applied for this, you know.

DA NERD So? You said I was qualified and everything, why can’t I just have the job?

IRmjii I will give you a call.

Da Nerd stays standing there for a few moments.

IRmjii Leave. (beat) Like, now.

DA NERD B-b-b-b-b...

IRmjii Seriously, leave. I have things to do.

Da Nerd awkwardly steps back and out the door he came in.

SCENE 4

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOM DA NERD

Da Nerd sits at his table, twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly, his phone rings and vibrates. He answers the incoming call.

DA NERD Hello? Did I get the job?

IRmjii (O.S.) Okay, I have good news and bad news.

DA NERD Bad news first. Hit me.

IRmjii (O.S.) No. You didn’t get the job.

DA NERD Oh. Well, what’s the good news?

IRmjii (O.S.) Oh, there is no good news. I just said that so you wouldn’t take the bad news as badly.

DA NERD What?

IRmjii (O.S.) I’m kidding. We have a party scheduled for next week, and we need a few extra bartenders to cover graveyard. You up for it?

DA NERD Um, yeah, sure, definitely!

IRmjii (O.S.) Alright. Stop by on Friday to get your uniform and schedule.

IRmjii hangs up.