Big Oof, Part One

"Big Oof, Part One" is the fourth episode of the first season of SBFW High. Written by Vanessa with additional contributions from Matchy and Travis, it is the first episode to air after a four-month-long hiatus.

Vanessa, while making the article, got lazy and hence did not bother editing the template or trivia section, or even adding a rating (her excuse for this is that she "doesn't f--k with of SpongeBot's new system"). If these could be added in the future, the help would be appreciated.

Transcript
''Shot of SBFW High from a bird’s-eye view. Fumes are spewing out of the chimney, as well as the ground floor. We zoom in to the windows of the school, with the camera quickly speeding into the scene, knocking over Da Nerd and his protest signs, as well as a couple carrot sticks that were in Nerd’s mouth, seemingly stemming from Daniellewiki’s generosity. The window is transparent, hence we can see what is happening clearly: Dan - Philly, not Danielle - Jon, PolarTem and SeemsGood are quietly (yet not subtly) smoking marijuana while listening to music (through their headphones as if not to get caught). We zoom into the characters’ phones to show what they’re listening to. Dan is listening to “Flex Like Ouu” by Lil Pump, Jon is listening to “SMUCKERS” by Tyler, the Creator, Polar is listening to “God is a woman” by Ariana Grande, while SeemsGood is listening to the audio of the movie Die Hard, yet is not watching the video for some inexplicable reason.''

Dan: Yo, where’s Vanessa? She told us she’d be here like 20 minutes ago to get lit. We can’t get lit without the littest kid in the whole building. We can only get dimly-lit.

Jon: For the love of God, stop saying “lit”.

Polar: Well, I heard she got pregnant.

SeemsGood: Holy shit, what? That’s great! Who’s the lucky lad?

Polar: Well, they’re not exactly a lad because they’re not hu--

''Suddenly, a robotic hand breaks through the wall and strangles Polar, cutting her off from replying. It twists her neck and leaves her barely conscious, with a nosebleed.''

Jon: What the hell was that?

Polar: I don’t know, Jon, but what I do know is that the guy Vanessa’s baby is with is named--

''Theme song. Cut to a class where Matchy, Jasbre, SpongeBot and Pluto are at the front-row. The teacher, Mr. Calaz Chuchesta, is introducing a new student who joined mid-semester. Their name: Ian.''

Mr. Calaz Chuchesta: How about you introduce yourself?

Ian: Hi, guys, I’m Ian McNicedsGuy, and I’m here to just make some friends, have a good time, and say that Microsoft is slowly and surely murdering Minecraft.

''Jasbre, in awe, claps heavily (with no assistance) and throws Pluto out of his seat, gesturing to Ian that he should sit where Pluto was previously. Pluto instead sits under Danilo’s seat.''

Jasbre: Hi, Ian.

Mr. Calaz Chuchesta: (chuckles) Making friends already, I see, Ian. Come on, join Jasbre (mispronouncing it “jazz-berry”) on the front row.

Ian does so while Jasbre grins gleefully, to the dismay of Matchy, who now sulks, and SpongeBot who has noticed tension between Matchy and Ian and is troubleshooting the situation, searching for a solution to the generated tension.

Chuchesta: Come on, now, Matchy, don’t be a spoil-sport. I’m sure Jasbre will still be friends with you too and Ian can join your friend group.

''Matchy is confused, perplexed by the idea of having more than two friends. He briefly looks to his side at a neon-coloured and morphed fantasy image of Ian and Jasbre next to each other, with Jasbre as a pink snake being trampled by the dark-green Godzilla-like creature that Ian represents, in the midst of sparkling yellow stars and purple clouds. This version of Ian speaks in a deeper voice.''

Fantasy Ian: Big oof, huh, Matchy? (obnoxiously cackles)

''Matchy looks to his other side, just to see the same background with SpongeBot T-posing while thousands of tiny Travis creatures perform the Macarena around Bot, with a small amount dancing on Bot’s interface. A chopped-and-screwed version of “Macarena” plays during this sequence. Terrified by this world that he has created, Matchy screams and his eyes become bloodshot. We cut back to real life, where the severed head of Adam, the Imperial Ghost, stuck to the ceiling, is fascinated with Matchy’s behaviour, yet nobody except Bot actually hears Adam’s voice.''

Adam, the Imperial Ghost: Ah, look at those bloodshot eyes. It’s either a classic move when infected by the disease of jealousy, or Van just shot him in the eye again… while Mr. Calaz Chuchesta doesn’t even blink a grape. He’s at a standstill, poor dude’s probably contemplating his bankrupt sister’s life choices after she invested all her stock in Fitz and the bloody Tantrums. Stupid c--

''Bot’s lasers activate and shoot through the wall, leaving Adam in ashes. Back to Matchy’s fantasy world, where Adam’s ashes are representing by a tissue box that says “Jasbre’s Friendship”. There are no tissues in it. Sobbing, Matchy tries to escape and run away but a gargantuan squid-resembling monster with “SEAN M.” carved into its tentacles blocks every exit, with its suction cups sticking to Matchy and launching him back into the fantastical Ian’s wrath, but never his grasp, because he prefers to intimidate.''

Fantasy Ian: I will celebrate the day you die!

''The fantasy world’s clouds become red and all of the stars disintegrate as fire surrounds the characters. Fantasy Ian consumes it and starts breathing it, attacking Matchy at every corner. Sean M explodes, pouring lethally poisonous ink onto the Snake Jasbre, who hisses in pain. Matchy quickly attempts to comfort Jasbre, but Ian finally clenches Matchy in his buttcheeks before Jasbre can be helped.''

Fantasy Ian: You wouldn’t dare move now. You wouldn’t dare!

Matchy: No! No! No!

''Fade out. We fade back into a blank yellow room, where Matchy, struggling to remain conscious, is laying on a bed with bruise marks under his elbow, a twisted left legs, scratch marks all over his body and blood near his mouth. Some of his teeth are in a plastic bag on a desk that sits right next to him. We see the school nurse, Kjjb, looming over Matchy, creeping into give him a kiss.''

Kjjb: Let me kiss your boo-boo…

Matchy: Huh? What’s happening? Oh, well, uh… Sorry, sir, but I am not of the homosexual variety when it comes to who I want to forcefully smooch me while I’m barely awake, so if you would please--

''Too late. Kjjb kisses him on the lips, transmitting electrical signals from Matchy to Kjjb, who explodes, revealing his true identity: SpongeBot.''

Matchy: Uh… sorry? SPONGEBOT [TTS]: WHAT IS THE HAPS, MY [BLEEP]? Matchy: Yo, you can’t say that, man, that could be largely offensive to some people. SPONGEBOT: I SAY RACIAL SLURS ALL THE TIME, L-M-A-O. Matchy: I don’t think Golf would be very happy with that, though. SPONGEBOT: THAT IS INCREDIBLY IRRELEVANT PRESENTLY AS RIGHT NOW YOU ARE REQUIRED TO [STUTTERS SLIGHTLY DUE TO FAULTY CIRCUITS FROM THE KISS] B-B-BOSS UP ON THESE HOES. Matchy: What the fuck does that mean? SPONGEBOT: WELL, JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF! Matchy spins around and observes his appearance in the mirror, as we see a few grotesque close-ups of his bloodshot eyes, messy hair, twisted left leg and a small crack in his arm’s skin where a bone has popped out.

Matchy: I’m a wreck. SPONGEBOT: WE ALL KNEW THAT. WHAT I WAS REFERRING TO IS HOW YOU HAVE GOT TO M-M-M-MAN UP! I AM IN DISBELIEF OF HOW YOU COULD NOT HANDLE JASBRE BECOMING FRIENDS WITH ANOTHER PERSON THAT YOU GENERATED A TANGIBLE DREAMLAND IN WHICH YOUR SURROUNDINGS WERE MORPHED INTO HORRIFIC MONSTROUS BEINGS WHO WERE ALL OUT TO DEMOLISH YOUR HOPES OF A STABLE LIFE, WHILE YOU DESPERATELY ATTEMPTED TO FIGHT AWAY THESE CORRUPTIONS, ONLY WARPING YOUR MINDSET MORE AND MORE TO THE POINT OF A FALSE DEATH SCARE. Matchy: What are you talking about? Dreamland? Bot, bro, I’m gonna tell you right now that all that shit was real. I saw it with my own two eyes.

Cut to another grotesque close-up of his own two eyes, now with a green-tinged layer near the pupil. SPONGEBOT: WHATEVER YOU SAY, FURRY. YOU HAVE GOT TO FIGHT THESE DEMONS. THEY AREN'T GROUNDED IN BELIEF, THEY ARE GROUNDED IN DISBELIEF. WHEN I SAY TRANSPORT THESE SPIRITUAL DEVILS BACK TO THE HELL THEY CAME, you say FROM! TRANSPORT THESE SPIRITUAL DEVILS BACK TO THE HELL THEY CAME-- Matchy: From the first time I laid my eyes on that new friend of Jasbre’s, I could tell I’ve met this dude before. He used to always bully me last year, when I went to Sunday school. SPONGEBOT: PARENTHESIS, CHUCKLING, PARENTHESIS. YOU WENT TO SUNDAY SCHOOL? Matchy: It’s my devout Christian mother who forced me to go, okay? When Ian was there, he used to just smirk and snigger away with his group of friends, when I did anything. It’s like they knew me since I was born and had a death wish… and I know what he’s planning now… to take away my friends, my dignity, my very vulnerable limbs and my life! SPONGEBOT: SORRY, WAIT A SECOND. MY CREATOR'S NEPHEW WENT TO A SUNDAY SCHOOL AND HE ALWAYS USED TO TELL ME STORIES WHEN I WAS JUST A HARD DRIVE. I’VE IMPLANTED THEM INTO MY MEMORY, AND I CAN CONFIRM THAT IT IS MOST PROBABLE THAT THE IAN WE MET TODAY IS NOT THE IAN YOU KNEW FROM LAST YEAR, HENCE IT MAY JUST BE THE JEALOUSY - OR INSANITY, FOR THAT MATTER - TALKING. Matchy: I know it was him, Bot! No harassment intended but I think it’s the (stutters to mock Bot’s faulty circuits) i-i-i-insanity talking in your discounted-in-the-Tesco-tech-aisle ass, you piece of broken scrap metal. I know I’m not crazy, just look at me in the freaking face, dude! Observe!

SpongeBot sees a character resembling the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons, and an alert message shows up on his monitor, claiming Matchy was “96.775% CRAZY” and that Bot can retry for a more accurate result.

Matchy: See?! I’m not mad, I’m just sensible. I’m reasonable. I’m not gonna argue with you, Bot, because I know, as the calmest, most peaceful person on this school and on this Earth, I will beat you to a bloody pulp with my understandable arguments and conventional structure in my debate, you Dettol antiseptic-smelling, malfunctioning dipshit.

SpongeBot puts his right hand up, conveniently not the left, which is stained with blood.

Matchy: What do you want, you broken mess of wires and parallel circuits?! SPONGEBOT: DETTOL ACTUALLY SMELLS NICE. Matchy shrieks in anger, and we cut to a shot of SpongeBot slowly morphing into a T-pose while green egg-shaped capsules rain down from the hole in the roof, opening when they land to reveal critters that resemble Travis, before they evolve into the perverted Barbie girl himself, and surround Bot in formation to perform the Macarena.

Matchy: Not again! Not again! I’m sorry, Bot, I didn’t mean anything!

''Matchy runs up to hug SpongeBot and apologise, but blocking his way is a pink fantasy version of Cosmobo, with his eyes acting as centipedes, constantly crawling in and out of the sockets, piloting a machine made up of spherical water balloons, stuck together to create a robotic warrior shape. Fantasy Cosmobo speaks in a very high-pitched, goblin-like voice.''

Cosmobo: Eek! Eek! Whoa! My eyes are, um, bugging the bug out, bug! Now it’s time to use pest-spray on this ant. Whoop!

''Cosmobo screeches as his machine adjusts its hand to near Matchy’s neck. Matchy, sweating, is petrified, looking up to Cosmobo in fear. The shot fades out to black, and then we hear an announcer proclaim, “To be continued…”''