Enter the Playoffs

Transcript
[Episode begins…]

[The team are all in the gym as Kobe is going to start off the practice as he has them in a group.]

Kobe: Okay guys… gotta reveal something that I’ve been holding back for ages…

[Everybody inside thinks of different things of what he could be hiding and holding back, Larry thought about some weights; Squidward thought about a golden clarent; Patrick thought about a brand new couch to eat and SpongeBob thought of someone completely different at the moment.]

Kobe: Right, I’ve been waiting to give you guys the news… I WON AN OSCAR!

[Everyone goes silent. Even the crickets weren’t playing this time.]

Kobe: C’mon guys… it’s a big deal!

SpongeBob: Not really, Kobe…

Kobe: It’s probably because we don’t we have them on TV! SpongeBob: No, Kobe… I mean… the Oscars have been rigged by that fish who kept thinking that he was the best after he had a hit movie in 2004, I think?

[We cut to Oscar the Fish from “Shark Tale” hitting the records in his club as no one is there.]

Kobe: (no pls stop)

SpongeBob: Sure, okay fine but did you make Space Jam 2 and make 500 million at the box office?

Kobe: No, but I heard you can kiss LeBron’s ass over there in the corner.

SpongeBob: (does exactly that)

Patrick: What the fuck is happening?

Kobe: So I assumed you’d all be hyped to practice after hearing about my Oscars win but I guess not.

Squidward: Damn, way to stroke your own ego there, eh?

Kobe: Okay, whatever, let’s get our heads in the game.

Patrick: (pulls pants)

Kobe: dear god this isnt even funny anymore

SpongeBob: (slaps Patrick) dumbass

Kobe: Okay… moving on.

Lexi: Who’ll we face off next, coach?

Kobe: So we’ve gone on a good run. From 2-3, we went on a 5 game win streak to bring us to the POBA Playoffs. Thanks to Jordan’s secret stuff, I think?

Lexi: I don’t think you can legally say that, boss.

Kobe: So it’s a do-or-die match. First round, we’re facing this, uhm, team? Not familiar with them, to be honest with you all.

[Meanwhile, they begin listening to the TV in the background.]

Perch Perkins: Welcome to SportsDesk on BBTV, tonight it’s all about the POBA Playoffs. First round? Our Bulldogs will be facing Dark Horse competitors, the Manchester Mermen. They struggled during the early part of the season but haven’t lost a single one of their last 8 games. They are heavily favored to beat our Bulldogs. But with Kobe Bryant at the helm, what could possibly go wrong?

[scene transition]

Narrator: Everything.

Kobe: So I guess these mermen are something?

SpongeBob: Are they really that big of a threat?

Lexi: They’re British fish, aren’t they?

SpongeBob: Heard one of them was a socialist. [shudders]

Kobe: So what? They’re British fish. We, on the other hand, have endorsements!

[transition to a commercial]

Announcer: Announcing the new Air Sponge 1s! Only from Nike, just do(n’t sue us pls we swear this is a parody and completely within the laws of fair use) it!

[transition back to Kobe]

Kobe: See?

Larry: (suddenly comes in) Endorsements don’t win championships.

Kobe: Oh, and you being late all the time will?

Larry: Sure, you have a point. But who averaged 32 points this season?

Kobe: Steph Curry?

Larry: Me, for Neptune’s sakes! 32 ppg, 10 rpg, 7 apg, what else do you need?

Kobe: Okay, fine. I see what you’re doing for our team but this is basketball. It’s always been a team sport.

Larry: (scoffs) Like you’ve ever passed the ball?

Kobe: Who averaged 9 assists back in his prime?

Larry: Really?

Kobe: Not that hard when you’re winning championships while doing it. (shrugs)

Larry: Then what do you suppose we do for this game?

Kobe: We need to go and attack the paint. It’s been our strongsuit the whole tournament. The statistics prove it. We’ve gone 60% from the field!

Larry: But Manchester has amazing inside defense!

Kobe: If all is lost, we need to utilize the three-pointer.

Larry: I don’t shoot threes, though!

Kobe: We’ve gone just 30% from 3-point land.

Larry: (sigh) Let’s see what we can do.

[NBA ON ESPN/ABC FINALS THEME (EXTENDED) PLAYS]

Marv Fishbert: Good evening, welcome to the POBA on BTV! It’s Playoffs time, the number 2 seed Manchester Mermen will be facing the number 7 seeded Bikini Bottom Bulldogs. Kevin, what do you think about this matchup?

Kevin Harfin: This will be an extremely difficult game for the Bulldogs. They heavily rely on their inside buckets but this is the top-ranked defensive inside team in the league. They will have to test the waters here and go for mid-range jumpers and long bombs. But they’ve been terrible from there the whole season.

Marv: With Larry chucking 90% of their shots, sure. But they need to play team basketball now.

Kevin: These ballers from Britain are tough, but can they outlast til the buzzer? Live from the Morrisons Arena, let’s head onto the tip.

[First Quarter]

Marv: Early start for Manchester, going on a 12-2 run.

Kevin: Bulldogs struggling from the inside! 1/12 from the field!

Marv: Travis Pineapple goes for the dunk…. Bang! What a spectacular play by the Mermen! Now, if you don’t like this, then you don’t like POBA baketball!

[MAN 14 - BIK 2]

Kobe: (signals to referee) Timeout.

Squidward: Damn, they’ve got us locked down!

Larry: Just give the ball to me, we’ll be fine. Just an early slump.

Kobe: Let’s try from beyond the arc.

All: One, two, three, Bulldogs!

Marv: Welcome back to the POBA on BTV! Pineapple gives it to Randy Neptune, attacking the paint, bang! Another one for the Mermen!

[Second Quarter]

Kevin: Manchester is absolutely dominating! 34-16 is the score entering the second period.

SpongeBob: Give the ball to me!

Larry: Ugh, fine. (passes the ball)

Marv: SquarePants drains the three! What a shot by SquarePants!

Larry: Hmm, damn. Okay, I see you sponge.

Kevin: Another three for SquarePants, bang! He’s 4/4 from three-point range!

Larry: Alright, guys, give it to SpongeBob. Handle the screens.

Marv: Kev, this is looking like a new Bikini Bottom team. They’re just down by 4 heading into the third quarter.

[MAN 53 - BIK 49]

Kobe: Okay, we’re doing good. That’s team basketball guys. We’re inching closer but SB’s in foul trouble, only two more and he’s out.

Marv: SquarePants has been huge this game, 18 big points coming from him.

Kevin: And Marv, they take the lead with another three-pointer from him! Make that 21.

[MAN 53 - BIK 54]

Manchester Coach: Lockdown SquarePants!

Marv: Manchester is now locking down on SquarePants, they now lead by 2.

[MAN 63 - BIK 61]

Kevin: SquarePants picks up his fifth foul! He will be subbed out of the game.

Kobe: Okay, we need to keep close! SpongeBob’s been subbed out.

[MAN 79 - BIK 77]

Larry: I can’t do this, we need SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Larry, screen. Patrick, box out. Give it to me!

Marv: ---and with three seconds left, SquarePants, will this be the dagger?

[SpongeBob puts up a three-pointer and sinks it.]

Marv: SquarePants wins it for Bikini Bottom! They make it to the semi-finals!

Kevin: 80-79 is our final tally here from the Morrison Arena in Manchester. From our crew from BTV, good night!

Kobe: Great job out there guys, we finally found some range!

Larry: Onto the next one, guys.