Casualties Imminent

Casualties Imminent is the twenty-seventh episode of SBFW Quest. It aired on November 16, 2019, and was written by FireMatch.

Transcript
(The episode starts with Alt reading a book on why Once Bitten is the worst SpongeBob episode)

Alt: This book is the best! I hope I never lose it.

Ingot: Hahaha! You think you can enjoy anything in your life? Well guess what, doofus, I’m still here!

Alt: Oh shit I forgot. Dang it. (His book is set on fire and is yeeted into a nearby lake) I was reading that!

Ingot: Indeed. Ian, did you get the stone guy?

Ian: Granite? Yeah, but he’s unconscious.

Ingot: Even better. I present to you… my brand new cock and ball torture-inator! (The Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated theme plays)

Ian: Did you get that from the pawn shop?

Ingot: No, I made it myself.

Ian: No wonder it looks like my grandma’s toilet.

Ingot: What kind of comparison is that?

(The giant Hoopla hooplas in the distance)

Ingot: Shit, that thing is still here.

Ian: Don’t worry, Travis is taking care of it.

Travis: Eat bra, green thing!

Giant Hoopla: Hoopla! (he takes the bra out of Travis’ hand and eats it whole)

Travis: Crap.

Ingot: Uhhhh… let’s just get this shit over with.

Alt: Oh god.

Ingot: Indeed. (he turns on the cock and ball torture-inator, which has a huge sawblade in the middle of it)

Alt: Oh GOD!

Ingot: And now you’re going to sit on it! (laughs maniacally)

Alt: This can’t be the end. This is a show.

Ingot: What did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall?

Alt: o

Granite: (suddenly waking up) Uh what’s going on? (Ian knocks him out with a hammer)

Alt: Where the hell did you get that hammer from?

Ian: From the deep depths of my ass.

Alt: (shudders) I regret asking.

Jasbre: Stop right there, former friend!

Ian: Jasbre? Uh oh.

Jasbre: Yeah that’s right. Now let them go or else things will get a bit crazy.

Ian: Seeing how everything is crazy enough already, no.

Jasbre: (faints)

Travis: What a crooked black duck.

Ingot: Indeed. No more filler, it’s time for this town to perish into oblivion.

Alt: You mean… we’re ALL going in that chair?

Ingot: Oh no. I made an assembly line that’s supposed to mass produce- hey, where is it anyway?

Ian: I couldn’t find any conveyor belts in the pawn shop, sir.

Ingot: DAMN IT! Guess we’ll have to use just this one.

Granite: I don’t wanna die. I’m too young to die.

Alt: I’m only… I forgot my age actually. But I’m too young to die too!

Ingot: Pathetic. Into the cock and ball torture-inator! (he shoves Granite into the machine first. He gets grinded into literal granite)

Alt: Noooo! Granite!

Ingot: He is now literal granite! (laughs maniacally again)

Alt: What am I gonna turn into, an alternate universe?

Ingot: Maybe.

Alt: Cool.

Ingot: It won’t be cool when you fricking DIE! Now get into the machine!

Alt: I’ll do it for Fanonland.

Ingot: Yeah yeah, it’s totally not like they all will die too. (shoves Alt into the cock and ball torture-inator, grinding him into bits and creating an alternate universe)

Dan: I am here to say that smashed potatoes that look like Squidward is still a page!

Ingot: Indeed.

Matchy: Why?!

Ingot: Indeedn’t.

Purple: Hey I’m back from eating an entire fucking turkey- (Ingot puts a bag over him, blinding him)

Matchy: Purple, NO!

Ingot: This whole town will perish, I tell you. Perish!

Jasbre: Not if we stick together, guys. Let’s go!

Rocky: (appearing out of literally nowhere) Let’s go!

Matchy: Where the fuck did you come from?

Rocky: I have no idea.

Dan: I grabbed this from the pawn shop. Is it useful? (he holds out an orb)

Jasbre: Hmm… looks like the one Ingot was holding earlier.

Ingot: Indeed.

Jasbre: Will you shut the hell up?

Ingot: Make me bitch. (Jasbre slaps a piece of tape over his mouth) Mmhh. MMMMMHHH!

Jasbre: Anyway, what would happen if we combined this orb with the one Ingot had earlier?

Ingot: MMMMM! MMMMAAAAAHHHH!

Jasbre: Ha. Can’t even speak.

Ingot: (finds a shred of common sense inside himself and rips the tape off his mouth) You cannot combine the two orbs. Rumor has it the whole town will burst into flames!

Jasbre: Bullshit. Hey, what’s that in your pocket?

Ingot: No, WAIT-! (Jasbre combines the two orbs and a giant white flash wipes the entire screen. After the flash goes away, Ingot, Ian, Jasbre, and Travis are nowhere to be seen)

Matchy: Where did Jasbre go?

Purple: No idea.

Crazy: Maybe they kidnapped him.

Purple: Crazy, you’re crazy.

Crazy: I know.

Matchy: Well, there goes two of our beloved citizens. Should we have a funeral?

Purple: Maybe later. But now is a good time to find out where Jasbre is.

Matchy: Honestly, I think we have a lot more citizens to find first. Where’s Princess Ponyo?

Purple: I think she fled from town a while ago.

Matchy: What about CobblePirate?

Purple: He’s homeless and living in a shoebox. Poor Cobble…

Matchy: Well, at least he isn’t dead. Ponyo, maybe. I never cared much about her in the first place.

Purple: We need a new princess for the time being. But who?

Cici: Guys, I hate to break up your lovely conversation, but I think I see Travis in the distance.

Travis: (in the distance) Damn fools! I’m here to get Image’s glistening-

Matchy: (yelling) Shut up!

Travis: No!

Purple: While you guys have your little conversation of your own, I’m gonna have some me time.

Matchy: But Purple, something important is going on right now! And we still don’t know what 27 means!

Purple: Matchy, I haven’t had my own time to relax since… ages ago. I don’t care if Obama Trash Bin comes along and sets the whole world on fire. I’m taking a break.

Matchy: Okay then. It’s your funeral. Speaking of funerals…

(All of Fanonland is seen attending the funeral of Alt and Granite)

(Cut to Jack's mom going through the drive-thru at Wendy's)

Jack's mom: What do you want, sweetie?

Jack: I want a triple chocolate cookie.

(5 minutes later...)

Jack (having a very full stomach): I think I have type 3 diabetes...

Jack's mom: You're welcome, sweetie.