Rolling Stone

Rolling Stone is the twenty-ninth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days and the ninth episode of season two. In this episode, Mr. Krabs hears of the vacant spot for a representative ice hockey, and decides to recruit a team. SpongeBob is sent to convince his friends, which he does through reasoning. With Mr. Krabs as their manager, the team are hired to play their first game at the Bikini Bottom Ice Hockey Stadium. Their confidence is diminished by Mr. Krabs, who admits that their game is being broadcasted oceanwide, not to mention who the opposing team is.

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Eugene H. Krabs
 * Squidward Tentacles
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Patrick Star
 * Female Television News Anchor (cameo)
 * Peter Cuddlefiesh (cameo)
 * Altoona Team Members
 * Craig/Referee (cameo)

Transcript

 * [the episode begins with a medium shot of the Krusty Krab restaurant; the camera cuts to a medium shot of the dining area, followed by a slow pan; the camera pans through Mr. Krabs's door, where it reveals that he is sleeping; he is sitting his chair, pointed away from his desk; the television, which is on, is dangling from the wall in front of him]


 * Female Television News Anchor: Up next at the top of the hour, we will discuss the...[watch beeps] Oh. Look at that. It's the top of the hour. Time for our breaking news story. The citizens of our city are left disappointed due to the Bikini Bottom Ice Hockey team being fired as of yesterday. We sat down and spoke to their former manager, Peter Cuddlefiesh to explain his reasoning for letting his team go.


 * Peter Cuddlefiesh: I had to let them go. They were an embarrasement to the entire world of hockey. They even tried to make excuses that didn't even make sense like [mockingly] "But we don't know how to play hockey" or "You're pushing us too hard" or "I can't feel my leg". I was just tired of it all.


 * Female News Anchor: Well, with that being said, there is currently no ice hockey team in Bikini Bottom to play at the stadium game as of tomorrow.


 * Mr. Krabs: [wakes up immediately] Huh?! [pauses television with remote] Perfect! [walks to microphone; presses red button] Attention all Krusty Krab employees, please report to me office. [walks out of camera; walks back into camera] Now.


 * [Squidward enters through front door to office; SpongeBob enters from the kitchen door]


 * Mr. Krabs: Now, I want you two to pay attention to this. [rewinds television]


 * Female News Anchor: ...there is currently no ice hockey team in Bikini Bottom to play at the stadium game as of tomorrow.


 * Mr. Krabs: [turns off television] Did you hear what that woman said?


 * SpongeBob: There is currently no...


 * Squidward: [places hand over SpongeBob's mouth] Yes, we did. There's not a Bikini Bottom ice hockey team. [removes hand]


 * Mr. Krabs: That's what it said. It really said...money!


 * Squidward: Money? How in the world did you hear the word "money" in that?


 * Mr. Krabs: If you look at this way...[pulls a large piece of cardboard with worded-paper on it into the scene; points stick onto one sheet] The ice hockey team is gone, and therefore leaving a vacant spot for another, more profitable team to come in. So, if you two, and your other chums, form a team, we can earn a fortune!


 * SpongeBob: Hey, I read something like this in the paper last morning. [takes out newspaper] Yep. It says here that any team that decides to participate in this event will get paid zero clams.


 * Mr. Krabs: Zero clams? That sounds like a zillion clams to me!


 * Squidward: How did I get caught up in this?


 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, would you...?


 * SpongeBob: Yes!


 * Mr. Krabs: Squidward, would you...?


 * Squidward: No.


 * Mr. Krabs: You'll be fired.


 * Squidward: [sighs] You can't fire me.


 * Mr. Krabs: Fine, then I'll repossess your clarinet. Even if you sell it again.


 * Squidward: [growls] You wouldn't. Oh, wait. Yes you would.


 * Mr. Krabs: Now get out there and convince your pals to join this crew. This team isn't going to assemble itself.


 * [scene cuts to a medium shot of Patrick's rock; SpongeBob walks toward the rock]


 * SpongeBob: [knocks on rock] Patrick, open up. It's me, SpongeBob.


 * Patrick: [rock opens; Patrick walks out] Hey there, SpongeBob.


 * SpongeBob: Patrick, why didn't you come up from the bottom of your rock like usual?


 * Patrick: I've decided to break the cliché workings of my entrance. My horoscope told me to. So, what brings you on my property line, SpongeBob?


 * SpongeBob: I was sent to convince you to play ice hockey, yet something tells me that you'll say no.


 * Patrick: What tells you that?


 * SpongeBob: Because you hate ice hockey. Instead of pucks, you play with stones, and you're afraid of stones.


 * Patrick: Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that. [suddenly afraid] But now I've...un-forgot it!


 * SpongeBob: Oh come on, Pat. This is the best thing that's happened to you! This will help you get over your fear.


 * Patrick: But isn't there also the possibility that my fear of stones will be enhanced?


 * SpongeBob: Well, that's just a risk that I'm willing to take.


 * [scene cuts to Sandy's treedome; SpongeBob is already inside, trying to convince Sandy]


 * SpongeBob: Oh, come on, Sandy. Patrick and Squidward already joined.


 * Sandy: You expect me to be persuaded by those two?


 * SpongeBob: But Sandy, you'll be the star player. You could even be our coach.


 * Sandy: Our coach my right.


 * SpongeBob: [sighs] I guess I can't convince you, then. A squirrel is entitled to his or her own opinion, I guess. I guess I'll just [slips on tube] goooooo! [falls to ground; the tube is seen to half snapped] Whoops. Let me patch that up, Sandy.


 * Sandy: Nope! I got! [rushes to tube; quickly tapes up the crack] Sorry. I'm a bit competitive.


 * SpongeBob: Competitive, eh? That would be perfect for our group, Sandy! Please join. Pleeeease! [gets on knees]


 * Sandy: I guess I could...volunteer. But that's it. A one-time thing. No more times, sponge.


 * SpongeBob: Yes, Sandy, sir. Also, I think my knee punctured the tube again.


 * [scene cuts to a medium shot of the Bikini County Ice Stadium; fanfare music play in the background; the camera cuts to the gang in hockey padding; they are fitted with a hockey; Mr. Krabs is walking out with a headpiece, a clipboard, and a striped shirt]


 * Mr. Krabs: Is my little hockey team ready to hit the ice?


 * SpongeBob: Sure, Mr. Krabs, but why are you fitted in all of that managerial-type equipment?


 * Mr. Krabs: Because I'm your manager, you knit-wit.


 * Sandy: Fine, Mr. Manager. As such, what your first decree?


 * Mr. Krabs: What do I look like to you? A king? But if you must know, my first decision is to...tell you guys to play better while I count the money from the concessions. [runs toward concessions]


 * Patrick: But, that's not your mo...


 * SpongeBob: It's best to let him go, buddy. [raises stick] Come on, team! Let's get out there and give that other team what for!


 * Mr. Krabs: [returns] Oh, you better, because this thing is being broadcasted oceanwide.


 * Entire Gang: What?!


 * Mr. Krabs: What?! What do you mean I'll have to come with you, officer?!


 * Officer 1: Sorry, but stealing from the concessions is a felony. You'll have to come with us. [barrel rolls Mr. Krabs, whose pants are full of money]


 * Referee: Hey! Bikini Bottom team! Get on the ice!


 * Sandy: Let's get out there and do our thing!


 * [the gang cheers while making their way to the ice; their cheering stops when they see their opponents, who appear more muscle-bound, larger, and physically fit than them]


 * Altoona Member 1: Ready to have your absorbency knocked out of you, sponge?


 * SpongeBob: [whispers to Patrick] He's talking about you.


 * Referee: Altoona team! Are you ready?


 * Altoona Member 1: [cracks neck twice] Ready.


 * Referee: Bikini Bottom team! Are you ready?


 * SpongeBob: [gulps; takes deep breath] Yes, we're ready.


 * Referee: No you're not, but it's not my responsibility if you get crushed, so play hockey! [throws stone between the two; blows whistle]


 * [the Altoona team rams right through the barely charging gang, throwing them out of the way; one of the Altoona team members launches the stone into the gang's goal, scoring them the point]


 * Referee: Point: Altoona team!


 * Squidward: [huddled with Patrick] Huddle up, team! [looks at Patrick] And lotion your back. [rest of team huddles] We need to find a way to distract the other team long enough to score at least one goal so we don't embarrase ourselves on live television.


 * Sandy: I got an idea, but it's risky.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, skating towards the other team, who has the stone at the moment; Squidward's prescence halts the Altoona team]


 * Altoona Member 1: Get out the way, squid. We're trying to make a point here.


 * Squidward: And I am trying to make a point as well, my dear ice hockey patron. I'm trying to make a point to the cultural world of artistry and the talented arts. [pulls out clarinet] Watch and listen as you embrace your true inner musical side. [begins playing a sour version of "Clarinet Voluntary in Eb Major"]


 * Altoona Member 1: [covers ears with rest of team] Ugh! What is that horrible sound?!


 * SpongeBob: [skates quickly toward stone and grabs it with stick] Got it. [launches stone into Altoona's goal]


 * Altoona Member 2: Hey! That little sponge just scored in our goal!


 * Squidward: Looks like the performance is over! [skates away with SpongeBob]


 * [scene cuts to the scoreboard, which reads "Home: 5" and "Away: 5"; the camera pans to the gang, who are huddled together]


 * Sandy: Yes, we're tied five-to-five. The next point wins the game, and that has to be us.


 * Patrick: It has to be? Can't it also be the other team?


 * Sandy: [sighs] We need to fight back harder. The Altoona team looks near to cracking. We need a fool-proof plan to get that other point.


 * SpongeBob: I think I got one, but it's a long-shot. It probably goes against every rule in ice hockey, but it needs to be done.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward and Patrick, standing on a bar at the top of the arena; Sandy and SpongeBob are holding two bottles of a substance]


 * Sandy: The Altoona team is approaching. Get ready, SpongeBob.


 * SpongeBob: Ready, Sandy. Say, what's in these bottles anyway?


 * Sandy: Just a surprise fluid: hydrochloric acid.


 * SpongeBob: Oh. Isn't that the fluid in our...


 * Sandy: [covers SpongeBob's mouth] Yeah, yeah. It is. Now, shh. They're almost here. [holds up index finger and pinky finger to Squidward]


 * Squidward: That's the signal! Grab my hand, Patrick!


 * Patrick: This isn't an opportune time for ring-around-the-rosy, Squidward.


 * Squidward: [grabs Patrick's hand] If I had a dollar for every...[jumps and swings toward SpongeBob and Sandy; grabs two bottles of acid with feet] Sabotage! [throws bottles to floor, melting the snow the Altoona team is approaching towards]


 * Altoona Member 1: What?! [team stops] We've been sabotaged! That team thinks they can sabotage us?!


 * [the entire gang skates toward the other end of the ice]


 * Sandy: That's right! What are you going to do about it?!


 * Altoona Member 1: This! Oh, Craig. Come on out.


 * Referee: Can do, boss. [jumps out referee costume, revealing a gray fish]


 * SpongeBob: [gasps] We've been sabotaged the whole time!


 * Altoona Member 1: That's right! Craig, patch up that hole in the ice.


 * Craig: Yes, boss! [quickly patches up hole with new ice]


 * Altoona Member 1: Now, charge!


 * [Altoona team charges toward the gang, with the stone, knocking down everyone but Patrick; the Altoona team grabs the stone]


 * Patrick: Ah! The stone! It's coming toward me! [runs from stone; reaches own team's goal; stops running] Say, what was I running from?


 * [the Altoona team member launches the stone toward Patrick; Patrick's body catapults the stone across the arena; the stone slides slowly into the Altoona team's goal]


 * Referee: [comes in and kicks Craig out of arena] The winners of this game is the Bikini Bottom team!


 * [the entire gang begins celebrating, including a large-pant Mr. Krabs]


 * Male Fish 1: [comes up to Mr. Krabs by ladder] You've just won the ice hockey game! What do you want to do now?


 * Mr. Krabs: I'm stealing from the concession stand!


 * [the crowd begins throwing stones at the gang and Mr. Krabs]


 * Mr. Krabs: Hey, what gives?!


 * Sandy: It's the crowd's way of celebrating! They throw stones at the winner.


 * [gang begins saying "Ow" repeatedly]


 * [the episode ends with the pile of stones, blocking the camera and fading it to black]