Dying Hard

Dying Hard (originally titled When Dicks Die Hard) is an episode of SBFW Go!.

Transcript
(the episode opens with an outside-shot of the HQ, and the beginning of Lady GaGa’s Poker Face kicks in, cut to a new room called the ‘Gaming Lounge’ where Polar, SpongeBot, Bong and Jasbre are playing a game similar to the ‘Rock Band’ series, Polar is lead vocals)

Polar: (badly singing, imitating a South Park character screeching) I WANNA HOLD ‘EM LIKE THEY DO IN TEXAS PLAYS!

FOLD ‘EM LET ‘EM HIT ME RAISE IT BABY STAY WITH ME!

Bong: I hate this.

Polar: LUCK AND INTUITION PLAY THE CARDS WITH SPADES TO START!

AND AFTER SHE’S BEEN HOOKED I’LL PLAY THE ONE THAT’S ON HER ASS!

CAN’T READ MY, CAN’T READ MY, NO HE CAN’T READ MY POLAR FACE!

HE’S GOT TO LOVE NOBODY

CAN’T READ MY, CAN’T READ MY, NO HE CAN’T READ MY POLAR FACE!

HE’S GOT TO LOVE NO- MUH MUH MUH…

SpongeBot: What you wanna do now, ‘O’ Mighty Master Polar of Memeton’?

Jasbre: Why’s SpongeBot and Bong suddenly acting as if Polar’s the king, nowadays?

SpongeBot and Bong: DON’T ASK QUESTIONS! (theme song, and then we cut to the lounge, where a lot of the users are, a scream is heard)

Matchy: (sighs) How many times do we need to tell Travis not to wander into Ponyo’s room?

Lock: Too many.

Jake: (off-screen) THAT WASN’T EVEN A FEMIMI- (stuttering a bit) FEMINI- FEMI- (after a pause, he goes back to normal) FEMININE F**K YOU! THAT WAS HARDLY A FEMININE SCREAM!

Polar: (sarcastically) Not a feminine human scream, at least!

Matchy: Don’t make fun of feminists, Polar.

Polar: We’re not talking about- (Jake storms down the stairs and points at Polar)

Jake: YOU!

Polar: Hi?

Jake: IT WAS YOU!

Polar: What was me?

Jake: YOU STOLE MY-

Jasbre: Condoms! (everyone stares at him) Anyone remember when this show used to be good?

Jake: YOU STOLE MY ULTRA RARE, LIMITED EDITION, DIE HARD LASERDISCS!

Polar: Well, that sounds very limited, eh?

SpongeBot: At least I’m not the only one with a laserdick.

Lock: SpongeBot has a dick?

Matchy: That shoots lasers?

Polar: (proud) And it’s extendable! Just see him when he gets an ere-

Jake: (furious) DON’T TRY TO HIDE FROM THIS, TEMMIE!

Polar: Well, do you have any evidence to back your claim?

Jake: (thinks) You like Die Hard?

Polar: Well, I’d like you to die hard.

Jake: Well, someone stole my Die Hard laserdiScs and I’m gonna find out who! (a bomb is heard going off, and then it goes off again)

SpongeBot: (sighs) That’ll be the doorbell.

Polar: I’ll get it. (he gets up and walks through the door, he looks through the keyhole and sighs) It’s just someone-

Travis: (off-screen) Is that the person here for my boob implants?

Polar: No, it’s just some chi-

Travis: (off-screen) Is that the person for my dick implants?

Polar: No, it’s just some chick who thinks this is a fashion wiki. The term ‘SBFW’ is a bit- (realises what Travis had asked) WHAT? (he opens the door) I’m very sorry, Miss, but this isn’t a Small Bou- (he looks up at the girl and his eyes widen) HICKORY DICKORY DOCK!

???: Uh, hi? My name is Leslie and I’m looking for a ‘SpongeBob Fanon Wiki HeadQuarters’?

Polar: Well, you’re at the right place! (whispering to ‘his bits’) Get down! (back to normal) Did you know that ‘Leslie’ is one of my most favourite names?

Leslie: Sure, uh, look, everyone says that. And if my time here is gonna continue like this, then-

Polar: Oh, don’t you worry! Everything’ll be just fine. Say, how about I serve up some pork for you tonight?

Bong: (off-screen) Polar, who the f**k are you talking to?

Polar: Everyone say hello to SBFW’s newest user, Leslie! (he shuts the door and they enter the lounge)

Leslie: Uh, hi? (Lock faints) Is he OK?

Polar: It’s probably the heat. I’ll open a window (whispering) and a flyer while I’m at it. (Jake approaches Leslie)

Jake: (mad) CONFESS TO ME RIGHT NOW, YOU SILLY OL’ CHICKEN! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT STEAL MY DIE HARD LASERDISCS?

Polar: Ignore him, he’s an asshole, and a Jake, and a Peralta!

Leslie: Laserdiscs?

Jake: VHS was classic, but laserdisc had better quality.

Polar: SpongeBot, show Leslie to her room.

SpongeBot: (gets up) Yes, Majesty King slash Dictator Polar of Memes, Memes and More Memes. (he and Leslie go upstairs)

Matchy: Damn, she’s hot.

Polar: Yeah, and she’s mine, so don’t even think about it!

Jasbre: Not if I win her first! (Travis comes down)

Travis: Uh, why’s there an angel upstairs?

Jasbre: I dunno. She’s bit too hot for a SpongeBob wiki, don’t ya think?

Travis: Oh, and could you cancel my appointment about my penis implants for me? I’m going out. (leaves)

Matchy: I’m glad he didn’t forget his clothes this time. (cut to Travis arriving at The Chum Bucket)

Plankton: You’re late!

Travis: Damn! I always come early!

Plankton: Right, Travis, I, Mr. Plankton, now promote you as practical owner of my fine restraunt, The Chum Bucket! I’m glad I hired you over the other guys already.

Travis: I thought you promoted me last week.

Plankton: Yes, but you did f**k all last week.

Travis: (chuckles) F**k all.

Plankton: What? I like to use strong lanuage to make my points.

Travis: It had the opposite effect for me. Now, you’ve got this all wrong! Where’d the ‘h’ come from in that name? The Chum Bucket? No, no! It should be The C-

Plankton: Copyrighted by Pampers.

Travis: F**k!

Plankton: Yeah, I know. It’s a shame ‘cos if PI completely owned that show, instead of only 50% of it, we’d be A-OK.

Travis: It’s just lucky I have a FD-back-up idea.

Plankton: Where’d the FD come from? (cut back to the HQ, Jake is interrogating Timmy in the lounge, all doors and windows are shut, and the only light on is a single lamp)

Jake: DID YOU, OR DID YOU NOT STEAL MY DIE HARD LASERDISCS?

Timmy: For the last time, no! No! No, no, no! I didn’t, I swear!

Jake: That’s what everyone else said. Tell me the truth, OR I’LL TOUCH YOU!

Timmy: But, but, that’s illegal!

Jake: Hmm… I suppose so. (thinks) CONFESS OR I’M UNINSTALLING MINECRAFT FROM THE WRITING ROOM!

Timmy: (screaming) NO! NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Jake: Don’t make me add ROBLOX to the list! And you wouldn’t want me to hurt your precious Fortnite!

Timmy: It’s called Fortnite: Battl-

Jake: I’LL BATTLE YOU-ALE IN A MINUTE!

Timmy: (screaming) NO!!!!!!!!!! (cut to the writing room)

Polar: Hey, Leslie.

Leslie: Yes?

Polar: You want me to cat-sit tonight?

Leslie: Polar, we all live in the same house and, and- I don’t even have a c- (upon realisation) oh! Look, Polar, I’m not interested in forming a relationship with any of you boys. I’m not like the others, OK?

Polar: Yeah, you really are something special. And you’ll love dinner tonight!

Leslie: Oh, God.

Polar: You can’t beat me meat! What you writing, anyway?

Leslie: Oh, just some spin-off I made. It’s, like, really deep. (sighs) You wouldn’t get it…

Polar: Oh, I would. I LOVE deep spaghetti! (Leslie facepalms and we cut back to The Chum Bucket)

Plankton: (reading the newly re-painted sign) PENIS!?

Travis: Yeah, I know! Good, isn’t it?

Plankton: We are not calling this restraunt PENIS!

Travis: What? I thought you said you wanted to attract attention to the place!

Plankton: Not this kind of attention! (we se a scenario, a man approaches a barmaid)

Man: So, uh… You wanna go on a date tonight?

Barmaid: Sure! Where to?

Man: PENIS! (the barmaid slaps him and we cut back)

Travis: PENIS!, home to the world famous penis pie!

Plankton: Penis pie?

Travis: You liked my penis pancakes, right?

Plankton: Yeah, the deciding factor as to why I hired you, but THIS is taking it a bit too far! Y’know, the other guys are a mere phone call away…

Travis: Fine, we’ll serve grand canyons instead.

Plankton: Grand canyons?

Travis: Inspired by my late Grandma’s very own! Y’know, she was a famous stripper back in those days. Oh, and that reminds me, we need a pole for the chicken strippers. (cut back to the HQ, Leslie enters the gaming room only to find Matchy lying there nude - no ‘bits’ are shown btw)

Matchy: Oh, the pork’s still cooking.

Leslie: (screams) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? PUT IT AWAY! (runs outside the room and shuts the door, she pants, Jasbre approaches her with nothing on but a towel around his waist)

Jasbre: (sighs) Did that lying little cheat beat you to it?

Leslie: WHAT THE F- Wait, hold on. (takes out her phone) Selfie! (takes a selfie and then immediately puts her phone away, she screams, Polar runs down the stairs)

Polar: I’m coming, sweetheart! (he realises the state of Jasbre) Jasbre, what the hell are you doing?

Jasbre: I’m, er…

Polar: I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that you’re just about to **** her!

Jasbre: Well…

Polar: Leslie, do you want me to get you a glass of water?

Leslie: No, no, I’m fine.

Jasbre: Polar, look, I was just about to take a shower!

Polar: Of course.

Jasbre: No, I’m dead serious!

Polar: Y’know what? This reminds of that whole STV situation!

Jasbre: My STV came first!

Polar: Nuh-uh! (cut to the lounge, Jack is interrogating SpongeBot)

Jake: TELL ME THE TRUTH OR- OR- OR- (pause) JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!

SpongeBot: I am telling the truth, I did not steal them!

Jake: THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SAID!

SpongeBot: I don’t know about you, but that may be because THEY DIDN’T STEAL THEM!

Jake: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT, UNLESS YOU STOLE THEM?!!

SpongeBot: I may be a robot, but I do have common sense!

Jake: REMEMBER WHEN LESLIE ARRIVED, AND YOU OVERHEATED?

SpongeBot: Where is this going?

Jake: WELL, COMMON SENSE NEVER STOPPED YOU FROM DOING THAT, EH?!

SpongeBot: Well, I can’t choose when or where I overheat, can I?

Jake: SURE YOU CAN, YOU LITTLE- (under all the pressure, SpongeBot has resorted to playing with a fidget toy, however, he drops it and it rolls under a couch)

SpongeBot: Ugh! Could you get that for me, Jake?

Jake: FINE! (he storms over to the couch and looks under it, his anger suddenly disappears) Oh, look what I found! (cut back to The Chum Bucket)

Travis: Well, everything is all set. All we gotta do now is wait. (he sits cross-legged on the floor and rings a bell with ‘Ring For Sex’ on it, after three or four seconds he gets back up again) Huh, this is actually quite boring. I quit. (walks off)

Plankton: WAIT! WHAT ABOUT MY RESTRAUNT! Ugh, he comes to me with his big ideas and then leaves me with an Alvin and The Chipmunks-themed strip club named PENIS! (begins to cry as we cut back to Polar and Jasbre’s argument)

Polar: Poo poo head!

Jasbre: Wee wee bum!

Polar: Major Stinkbomb!

Jasbre: King The Worst!

Polar: (gasps) HOW DARE YOU!

Leslie: Guys, guys, guys, cut it out! I know you’re arguing over me, but, I’ve told you that I’m not interested! (pause) You are attracted to me, right?

Jasbre: (sad) Yes.

Polar: (sad) Yes.

Matchy: (exits the gaming lounge, but he is now fully-clothed, he is sad to) Yes.

Phil: (exits the loser lounge) As much as I hate to admit it, even I am. (various other users show up here too)

Jake: We all are.

Leslie: (sighs) Wow. You really put me on the spot here. This is all my fault. I should’ve hid away while I still could.

Polar: You have nothing to say sorry for!

Leslie: Well, I wish to stay here. You guys are all funny, talented, and good friends. But, well, there is something you all should know. I’m- I’m- I’m a- well… (sighs) I’m a lesbian.

Polar: (patting SpongeBot on the back) It’s OK, take your time…

Phil: I’m, er, I’m sorry, Leslie. We had no idea!

Leslie: It’s OK, it’s cool. I, uh, get this a lot.

Polar: (his face brightens up) Ah-ha! Leslie the lesby! (cut to most of the users, including Leslie, in the lounge - which has returned to normal just having a great time)

John McClane (on TV): Yippie-Ki-Yay, motherf****r! (everyone laughs)

Leslie: (chuckling) This film is absolute trash!

SpongeBot: I think the word we’re looking for here, is ‘shit’.

Timmy: We went through all that just for THIS? (a loud knock is heard at the door, Jake answers, some policeman are at the door)

Policeman #1: We heard you shutdown all Fortnite servers just so you could get someone to confess to stealing, uh… something.

Policeman #2: You’re coming with us, kid. (they drag him away)

Jake: (screaming) NO! I JUST WANT MY DIE HARD LASERDISCS!!!

Polar: You’re a good friend, Leslie, you’re a good friend.

Travis: (entering through the front door, which is still open) I got some Miracle Gro for you dick, Jasbre. (fin)

Trivia

 * Plankton mentions that the term 'The Cum Bucket' was copyrighted by Pampers: The Series (a show partially owned by PI) but this wouldn't make any sense at the date of the episode's original airing, as the location hadn't even been mentioned in that series yet.
 * Polar thinks that Leslie thinks that SBFW is a fashion wiki at first, referring to the 'Small Boutique Fashion Week'.