My Secret Diary

My Secret Diary was one of 's submissions for the first season of Spin-Off Kings.

Transcript
OK, here goes nothing. If you've found this, then I would assume that you are worthy enough to read this. This is my secret diary after all, and I've hidden it well. Well, I don't know if my drawer I mean my underwear, y'know what, scrap that, I don't know where I'm gonna hide it yet, but I'm gonna hide it well. I am warning you though, do not read this if your last name begins with a B and ends with a Y, I will come for you.

It all started with a work on the beach. My kinda-but-not-really disabled acquaintance and I were walking along the seafront to get an ice cream. My acquaintance wanted a fudge, and I offered to do it for him before I was given the finger. We walked away from each other never saw each other again. And then I saw him, the man of my dreams! I loved everything about him. His bald head, his sexy nipples, the way his ass cheeks touched the sand and even his sexy feminine curves. He was with his triangular boyfriend and their new-born baby who I heard fell out of his ass one day. The baby wanted a condom and he was happily gifted one. They laughed together for some time before deciding to burn a certain black duck's DVDs. Who did I fall in love with? The only man I possibly could be talking about is SpongeBob SquarePants.

I followed the three to the pond where the duck lived. The duck was getting bullied by a Snap champion and an Autism Speaks supporter. I gave the Autism Speaks supporter the finger and he fled, but let the other continue. That was when SpongeBob noticed me. Shy, I hid behind a bush and began crying a little bit. He was going to offer me a tissue but only had an Anti-Ligma spray so that had to do. He kissed me on the cheek and the three walked back home, forgetting why they came to the pond. I hope I made a lasting impression, a good one. I gave the duck a limited edition Die Hard laserdisc an enemy of mine gave to me a while back for the travels, and chased after senpai. And then it happened.

It all happened so fast that I can't exactly describe it you. I caught up with SpongeBob and, in a blink of a eye, he was gone, dead. I was allowed to visit him at the hospital and attend his funeral. Even with his parents, best friend and fucked up baby attending, I was the most emotional. I walked up to the grave, kissed it and ran out in tears. I told myself not to burst into tears that day, but I couldn't help myself.

I was scarred for life. I wanted to be with senpai so bad but now he was gone. I watched some Bernie Sanders speeches and got inspired. Then I realised what I had to do to be with senpai.

Mow the lawn.

-Travis Penniall