Goofballs/March 23, 2016

Screenplay
SCENE 1

FADE IN:

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - STREETS

SOUND: HIGH-FREQ RINGING, POLICE SIRENS, HELICOPTERS WHIRRING

TOPH lies on the ground, stunned, next to a fallen building and a layer of dust. A few police cars surround the scene, and a police helicopter floats above.

Soon, VIOLET, BOB and DA NERD rush to him.

VIOLET (breathing heavily) Toph! Toph! Toph!

DA NERD Oh, my God!

BOB (with serious tone) Toph. (shakes, pats face) Come on, buddy, get up.

Toph soon awakes from unconsciousness.

TOPH Wh... what happened?

BOB Toph, do you have any memory of what just happened?

TOPH (strained) Uh... no. Actually, I can’t remember anything.

VIOLET Alright, we gotta get you home.

Bob lifts Toph and carries him over his shoulder.

TOPH Wait, what’s-- what’s happening? Who are you?

BOB Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh...

They walk away from the scene, off into the distance.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH

Cold water from a large bucket splashes onto Toph’s face, the committer being Bob.

VIOLET Wait, you’re not doing enough. You gotta--

BOB No, it’s fine, he’s waking up.

VIOLET No, you-- give me that.

Violet yanks the bucket away and proceeds to splash a significant amount of water into Toph’s face. Toph, having been awake the entire time, grows more frustrated with each splash.

BOB Okay, no, that’s too much. Here, let me--

VIOLET No, no, I got it.

The two begin to fight over the bucket, effectively splashing more and more water into Toph’s face at the same time. Eventually, this proves to be too much for the now fully conscious Toph and he fuels with anger.

TOPH (gasping for air, drowning) Okay, that’s enough!

The two stop fighting and Bob sets the bucket down on the floor. TOPH (CONT’D) (more calmly) I’m awake now. Now, can someone tell me what the hell is going on? And get me a rag?

Da Nerd silently hands Toph a towel, and he begins drying his soaked face off with it.

BOB Alright, I’ll tell you from the beginning. So, it all--

VIOLET Wait, no, you egg, I’m gonna tell him.

BOB No, I’m gonna tell him.

VIOLET I doubt it.

BOB You little--

DA NERD Alright, stop! I’ll tell him. (beat) God.

(to Toph) Okay. So it all started quite a while back.

EXT. SEPTEM INN - ENTRANCE

A small car pulls up to the Septem Inn. WILLIAM steps outside from the hotel and approaches the car. JASON, Violet and Bob, inside the car, gesture him in. William enters the car. The car drives off.

INT. CAR

Jason drives, Violet sits in the passenger seat, while Bob and William sit in the back. OTHERS (collectively) Hey, William.

WILLIAM What took you guys so long?

JASON Well, there was this woman driving in front of us for a while who was going, like, 20 miles under the limit, so we had to deal with that for a while.

BOB Yeah, until Violet threw a rock at her window. It was pretty badass.

VIOLET (smugly) Yeah, that bitch never saw what was coming.

WILLIAM Wait, you threw a rock at someone’s car? Isn’t that, like, illegal?

BOB By “illegal,” do you mean... against the law?

WILLIAM Um, yeah?

BOB Oh. Then yeah, that would be considered illegal.

JASON It was pretty badass though, I have to say.

VIOLET Oh, please, I’ve done worse. This one time, I shoplifted the entire series box set of Pound Jungle out of a Target. Just walked right out. (beat) Th-that’s not really worse than throwing a rock at someone’s car, but you know.

WILLIAM So anyways, where are we going for breakfast?

JASON There’s this new place I want to try; it’s this ice cream parlor not too far from here.

BOB (concernedly) Wait, Jason, we’re having ice cream for breakfast?

JASON Uh... yeah?

BOB Oh, hell yeah, I’m in.

VIOLET Same. I’ve desensitized myself to sugar over the years so it shouldn’t do any harm.

WILLIAM You desensitized yourself to sugar? How?

VIOLET It’s pretty simple. I don’t eat anything that doesn’t have sugar in it.

WILLIAM Isn’t that, like, unhealthy?

VIOLET Probably.

WILLIAM Well, I’m in on the ice-cream- for-breakfast thing too.

JASON Okay, it’s not that far away. I’ve heard some pretty good things about it--

The car, crossing an intersection, suddenly gets rammed by a speeder coming from the side. The car spins off and ends up on the side of the road, dead, with smoke coming from the hood.

VIOLET Is everyone okay?

WILLIAM (groans) Y-yeah.

JASON Yeah.

BOB No, I hit my head on the ceiling.

VIOLET Well, tough tits.

The four step out of the car. The car as a whole looks totaled.

The car that rammed them lies not too far away, also stopped and equally totaled. Violet decides to approach the car, from which a woman steps out.

VIOLET What the hell were you thinking?

WOMAN What the hell were you thinking throwing a goddamned rock at my car?

VIOLET Does it matter? You could have killed somebody, anybody, including yourself!

WOMAN You know, what gives you the right--

VIOLET What gives you the right to use that tone of sass with me?

Violet and the other woman continue while William, Bob and Jason inspect their car.

JASON Yep. It’s completely totaled.

WILLIAM Well, no. You can’t say that yet.

BOB Um, yeah. The engine’s smoked, it won’t start.

WILLIAM Bob, you don’t know that.

(to Jason) Keys.

Jason irresponsibly tosses William, at 12 years old, the keys.

William tries to start the car, but the engine stutters with each attempt. He eventually gives up.

WILLIAM Okay, maybe it’s totaled.

JASON Told you.

WILLIAM But!

BOB “But” what? There’s no chance we’ll get it fixed.

WILLIAM We can push it.

Bob and Jason start walking off in one direction. William shortly follows.

WILLIAM What? It’s a good idea!

They stop walking.

JASON If you think for a second that I’m going to push this 20-year-old worthless car--

WILLIAM We. We’re going to push it.

JASON Yeah, no.

Jason and Bob continue walking. William follows.

BOB (to Violet, cutting her off) Come on, Violet.

Violet sneaks one last hateful glare with her fist clenched at the other woman, then walks with the others.

WILLIAM Wait, so are we just going to leave the car here then?

JASON Looks like it.

BOB Wait, no, Jason, we can’t just do that.

JASON Why not? Look at it-- it’s worthless.

VIOLET Well, I mean, there’s an auto shop actually not too far from here. We could, like...

WILLIAM Push it?

VIOLET Or, you know, call them, but pushing it sounds fun.

BOB See, the thing is, I don’t really want to push it, so...

JASON Yeah...

VIOLET Come on, you wussies.

CUT TO: Jason, Bob, Violet and William all stand in position behind the car.

VIOLET Ready? Push!

As soon as Violet says this, they all struggle to push the car, making little progress.

VIOLET Push! (beat) Push!

BOB Okay, you don’t have to keep saying “push,” we get it.

The four all stop, breathless.

JASON Yeah, I don’t think pushing it’s going to work.

WILLIAM Yeah, okay, sorry, this was a bad idea.

BOB So what are we supposed to do then?

VIOLET Um... (beat) push it?

Bob and Jason both simultaneously smack their faces.

A truck comes by on the road, pulls over and stops near the four. ADAM comes from the driver’s door and approaches the four.

ADAM Car troubles?

JASON Yeah, it’s totaled. You can have a look at it but I doubt you can do anything about it.

ADAM Well, you know, there’s an auto shop not too far from here. They might be able to help you out with it.

BOB Yeah, we knew that, but we don’t really have any way of getting there.

ADAM I can tow it there.

JASON Yeah, no, you’re not towing it. What are you? You look about 10.

ADAM 11, actually, and I’ve done this before. My dad’s a tow truck driver.

JASON Kind of figured that, what with the... tow truck you got there. (beat) So, what’s your name?

Jason hops into the tow truck, and Adam tosses him the keys.

ADAM Adam.

Jason starts the engine, and everyone stays static for a few moments.

JASON (to others) Well? Get in.

The others get in.

EXT. GHASTLY’S AUTO SHOP - ENTRANCE

Jason tows the car into the parking lot of Ghastly’s Auto Shop, at which point he turns off the engine and they all get out of the tow truck.

Jason tosses the keys back to Adam.

JASON Hey, thanks again for letting us use this. We owe you one.

ADAM Hey, it’s no problem.

Adam drives off in the tow truck, while the others walk inside the auto shop.

INT. GHASTLY’S AUTO SHOP

A bell rings on the door as they each step inside. GHASTLY, standing behind the front counter, talks on his flip phone. GHASTLY (angrily) No, I said I wanted those orders in by Tuesday... Well, how was I supposed to know that? Look, just call me when you have the parts and... what?-- O-Okay, look, I gotta go. (beat) Love you too, mum.

Ghastly turns his attention to the four.

GHASTLY Oh hey, guys. What do you need?

JASON Hey, Ghastly. Um, our car got sidewinded by an angry middle-aged woman, is there any chance you can take a look at it?

GHASTLY Sure. Anything for you guys.

EXT. AUTO SHOP - PARKING LOT

Ghastly steps outside. The four follow.

Ghastly approaches the totaled car, and opens up the hood to inspect it. However, he is overcome with confusion. A few moments of silence pass by.

BOB Well?

GHASTLY Um... how old did you say this car was?

JASON Around 20 years; it was used when we got it.

GHASTLY Uh, yeah, um... it’s dead. It’s totaled. Worthless. JASON Told ya.

BOB Well, so what are we supposed to do?

GHASTLY That’s not really my problem.

VIOLET Alright, plan B then.

Violet throws her arm back and smashes the driver’s window of a minivan parked next to her. The alarm blares, and she opens the door through the window.

The others instinctively get in, and Violet speeds off.

INT. MINIVAN

A few moments of shocked silence pass by.

WILLIAM So are we still getting ice cream?

SCENE 2

EXT. CITY HALL - ENTRANCE

A minivan, crudely embroidered by plain text reading “SEPTEM CITY MANAGEMENT” sits in the parking lot at the entrance of the small City Hall office building. Snow covers the outside of the parking lot and around the building.

INT. CITY HALL - CONFERENCE ROOM

Bob, William and Da Nerd sit at a large table in a conference room in City Hall, boredly, some twiddling their thumbs impatiently.

Violet walks through the door, holding a briefcase.

VIOLET Hey, sorry I’m late, I just really didn’t want to be here. Let’s get started.

Violet walks to the front of the room, sets her briefcase down on the table and opens it. It’s empty.

VIOLET I don’t know why I did that. I don’t even know why I brought this. Anyways...

Violet takes a remote out of her pocket and hits a button on it. The projector screen at the front of the room suddenly flashes a projection of a crudely-made PowerPoint.

VIOLET (CONT’D) What I’m here about today is an issue that’s been facing us for years now. Well, a couple months, same difference.

William silently raises his hand.

VIOLET (flatly) No, William, it’s not about the grape juice in the lobby.

William puts his hand down. Violet clicks a button on the remote. It goes to a slide with WordArt text reading “Security”.

BOB Let me guess. Secu--

VIOLET Security. Yeah. The problem? It’s low. Specifically, at the city entrance.

Violet clicks her remote. It goes to the next slide, showing a crudely-drawn battle scene.

VIOLET (CONT’D) You see, ever since the Number War, in a fight of the Sevens-- that’s us-- and the Eights, there have been Eights trying to sneak back in. Yeah. I know.

DA NERD Wait, what? What “Eight War”? What?

BOB Number. Number War.

WILLIAM Wait, do you actually not know the story of one of the greatest events in Septem City history?

DA NERD Um, no?

WILLIAM Alright, well, let me tell you. It started about--

VIOLET Yeah, no, no, no, the animators don’t have enough time for that. Anyways, what we need is a way to keep these Eights out. Raising security at the entrance is my idea, but we don’t have any money, so anyone else?

The others sit in silence for a few moments. Da Nerd suddenly stands up and snaps.

DA NERD I got it. Wristbands.

BOB (beat) W-What the hell are you talking about?

DA NERD We give everyone a wristband when they enter the city. That way we can keep track of who’s an... Eight and who’s not.

WILLIAM How are we going to do that?

DA NERD We run a system that has a database of every wristband. We invalidate wristbands that belong to an Eight.

VIOLET Okay, I literally just said we don’t have any money.

DA NERD I carry server stuff on me when travelling.

VIOLET (beat) Okay, let’s do it. We got nothing to lose.

BOB Violet, we have like, a population of 600.

VIOLET We got nothing to lose.

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - ENTRANCE

Da Nerd starts implementing a wristband scanner system at the entrance of the city. WILLIAM Wait, so I’m confused. How are we going to actually do this?

DA NERD It’s simple. We have the mailing address of everyone in Septem City. We send everyone a wristband and also give one to anyone who comes in, if they don’t already have one.

VIOLET Well, can’t an Eight just come in not wearing one and get a new one?

DA NERD Ah, but that’s why we make them childproof.

Da Nerd turns on the scanner and takes out a prototype wristband. He scans it with the scanner, and a light on the scanner blinks green.

DA NERD Alright, that one’s a Seven. What happens if we scan an Eight?

He proceeds to scan a different wristband. It blinks red and several alarms blare.

DA NERD (convincingly) Huh?

VIOLET (flatly) Wow, you’ve really done it this time. 2 months working here and you can work the wristband scanner you stole from Septem Park.

DA NERD Shh.

BOB So, how is this scanner linked to the system at all? I don’t see how this works.

DA NERD (beat) Crap, I should probably do that. Okay, I’ll be back.

Da Nerd runs off.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM DA NERD

Inside his room, Da Nerd sets up a server and a laptop while inputting some test codes into the database. Bob, William and Violet hover over him in amazement.

DA NERD Alright, it should be live in just a few moments and we’ll get to make sure this actually works.

VIOLET So, like, what all are you actually doing, exactly?

DA NERD Oh, I’m just linking the network between the scanner system and the laptop and running a few ping tests to make sure the database is updating on both, and also assigning a few values--

BOB God, you’re such a nerd.

DA NERD Excuse me?

VIOLET Yeah, he’s a nerd, but he’s, like, the alpha nerd. He’s “da bomb.com.”

WILLIAM Like, (beat) “Da Nerd.” DA NERD Wow, I have never hated a nickname more. Don’t call me that. (beat) Anyways, this should be up and running, like, right... now.

A debug console promptly pops up on Da Nerd’s screen, covering a small portion of it, and reads a few lines.

DA NERD (quietly) Called it.

BOB But, like, now we still have to do work and mail a bunch of wristbands.

DA NERD Yeah, we have to... make the wristbands too... b-but it’ll be worth it, I-I guess.

VIOLET Okay... how much is that going to cost?

DA NERD Um, like... 2 or 3 hundred... grand.

VIOLET What?

DA NERD Rough estimate-- there’s about 600 people living here, prototype itself was $500...

VIOLET How much money do you think we actually have? (improvise line)

BOB Violet, hold on. Security is our number-one concern right now. It’s worth shelling out a bit to keep the Eights out.

WILLIAM He’s right, you know.

VIOLET Ugh. (beat) Fine, but we’re taxing them for it.

EXT. SEPTEM CITY - ENTRANCE SUPERIMPOSE: A few weeks later

People coming through the city pass through the wristband scanner, which constantly blinks green and dings with each person. Violet and Da Nerd stand close by to watch.

DA NERD See? Nothing I do ever fails.

VIOLET Wow, you’re a real piece of work.

DA NERD Yeah. Bet you’re glad you took the leap and hired me now, aren’t you?

Violet simply grunts slyly, rolling her eyes.

Suddenly, the scanner starts blaring a siren and blinking red. A man walking through, his wristband also blinking red, tries to run, but Da Nerd walks towards him with his palm up.

DA NERD Hey, stop right there!

The man quickly reacts and sprays a bottle of mace at Da Nerd, then makes for an escape.

VIOLET Holy shit.

Violet blows a whistle, prompting Bob and William to come into the scene and they quickly tackle the man, putting him in handcuffs. Violet goes to Da Nerd.

VIOLET Hey, you okay? DA NERD Yeah, just a little... blind. (beat) It’s weird, I expected the glasses to help a little.

The man tries to struggle out of Bob’s and William’s grasp but they continue holding tight, walking him towards the entrance gate. They promptly start to question him fiercely.

DA NERD You know what-- the wristband thing’s not going to be enough. What we really need is actual security, people to guard the entrance.

VIOLET Okay, yeah, that would have been a lot better of an idea. Let’s do that.

DA NERD Okay, but I’m not saying we should get rid of the wristband thing either. Just, you know, add more to it.

VIOLET Cool. That just means we have to raise taxes more.

The man suddenly takes a swing at Bob, who ducks, and the fist hits William. William goes down and the man makes a run for it. Violet runs towards the man and tackles him down. Bob regains his grasp on the man and Violet walks back towards Da Nerd.

DA NERD How are you guys so good at tackling?

VIOLET Um, we used to play football a lot in City Hall un-until our moms found out and we had to stop.

SCENE 3

INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY

Violet sits boredly at the front counter, twiddling a pencil to make it look rubber.

Toph walks through the front door.

TOPH Hey.

VIOLET What?

TOPH Um, I’m here about the, uh, job interview.

VIOLET Cool.

TOPH (awkwardly) (beat) So, uh... yeah... who do I talk to about that?

Violet suddenly sits up and puts her pencil down.

VIOLET Résumé?

TOPH Oh, yeah.

Toph grabs the résumé from his jacket pocket and sets it on the desk. Violet continues staring right at Toph. They sit in awkward silence for a few moments.

TOPH (beat) So are you going to read it or...

Violet sighs and holds the résumé up to her face to read it, sets it down after a few seconds, then proceeds to stare at Toph for a few more moments.

TOPH So...

Violet picks up the pencil and starts twiddling it again.

TOPH (strictly) Hey.

Violet stops.

TOPH (CONT’D) Did I get the job or not?

VIOLET Okay, geez, chill. Yeah. We’ll take anyone we can get. You’re hired.

TOPH Wait, really?

VIOLET No. Go upstairs.

TOPH (beat) Like, where upstairs?

VIOLET Go.

Toph slowly and awkwardly starts to step away.

VIOLET (more forcefully) Go.

Toph starts running towards the staircase, but trips and falls O.S. Violet laughs softly.

INT. CITY HALL - SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY

Toph walks down the hallway, all doors closed. He looks around wonderingly.

TOPH Hello? William suddenly stands in front of Toph, who steps back a little in shock.

WILLIAM Can I help you?

TOPH Um, yeah, I have a... job interview?

WILLIAM Oh, okay, you’ll have to go see Da Nerd about that.

DA NERD (O.S.) I told you not to call me that.

WILLIAM He’s the last room on the left.

Toph walks towards Da Nerd’s room.

INT. CITY HALL - ROOM DA NERD

Da Nerd sits at his desk, and swivels his chair around to face Toph, who stands at the doorway.

DA NERD Hi.

TOPH Hey.

Toph eyes the keyboard standing at one wall.

TOPH (CONT’D) Nice keyboard.

DA NERD Thanks. You play?

TOPH Music is my hobby but I haven’t held a real job in years.

DA NERD And now you want to get into city management?

TOPH Um, yeah, pretty much.

DA NERD Alright, let me see your résumé.

TOPH Oh, that chick downstairs took it.

DA NERD I know. She scanned and sent it to me.

TOPH That’s so unnecessary.

Da Nerd pulls up Toph’s résumé on his computer.

DA NERD I know. By the way, that “chick” is Violet. She’s, like, the boss around here. (beat) Alright, let’s see... “Toph.” Nice name.

TOPH -Thanks, it was a gift from my parents. -Thanks, my parents gave me it. -Thanks, my parents picked it out.

DA NERD (beat) Wait, did you put yourself down as a reference?

TOPH I-It said to list a previous employer. I self-release my music.

DA NERD Mm-hmm... (beat) Well, I think you fit qualifications.

Da Nerd reaches into a drawer in his desk and pulls out a key. He tosses it to Toph, but the key misses his hand completely.

TOPH Oh, crap. My fault.

DA NERD No, no, it was a bad throw.

TOPH No, no, no, I take full responsibility. I can’t catch to save my life.

DA NERD No, no, it was my bad. I hooked it too much on the release.

TOPH No, I could have caught it easily. It was my fault.

DA NERD (firmly) It was a bad throw.

TOPH (quietly) Okay... geez.

Toph picks up the key off the ground.

TOPH So what is this?

DA NERD The key to the City Hall building... i.e. this building. TOPH But... the door’s always open.

DA NERD (beat) Oh yeah. (beat) So, you should stay for lunch. I’d bet we’d all want to get to know you a little more.

TOPH Um, actually, I kind of--

DA NERD (firmly) Stay.

TOPH (softly) Okay.

Violet peeks her head into the room.

VIOLET Hey, lunch is here.

DA NERD Oh, cool.

Toph follows Da Nerd downstairs to the lobby.

INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY

TOPH Wait, why are we going to the lobby?

DA NERD Uh, well, we don’t have an actual defined spot for eating, so we meet together in the lobby.

TOPH What if someone comes in when you’re eating?

Da Nerd simply walks over to the “closed” sign on the door and turns it over so it reads “closed” from the outside.

TOPH Gotcha.

Toph eyes the vending machine at one corner of the room and walks towards it.

Violet takes out a few to-go boxes from a bag on a table and sets them in front of each of the 5 chairs surrounding the table.

BOB Uh, Violet, you set a place for Jason again.

VIOLET It’s for Toph, dumbass.

Bob just then notices Toph, who grabs a can from the vending machine.

BOB (to Toph) Oh, hey. You’re the new guy, right?

TOPH Yeah.

Toph snaps open the can and begins to lift it towards his mouth.

BOB Oh, um, you’re really not supposed to have grape soda in here, since we carpeted the floor.

TOPH I’m a big boy, I think I can handle a can of grape soda without spilling it.

Toph takes a sip from the can, and soda dribbles from his lip and splats on the carpet below.

TOPH Oh, crap. WILLIAM See, that’s why we shouldn’t allow grape soda in the vending machines anymore-- why do we even have vending machines in City Hall anyway?

VIOLET Toph, I didn’t really know what to get you, so, uh...

Violet opens the box at Toph’s spot.

VIOLET (CONT’D) I didn’t get you anything.

Toph sits down.

BOB So... Toph, I believe.

TOPH Yeah.

BOB Tell us a little about yourself.

TOPH Well, I--

VIOLET Eh-eh-eh-eh, let the résumé do the talking.

TOPH What?--

Violet takes out Toph’s résumé and holds it up to her face.

VIOLET Let’s see... “Toph.” Straightforward. No last name?

TOPH No, I changed my name for the aesthetic. VIOLET Right... (beat) Nice transcript. Lots of As... ooh, an A-minus.

TOPH Wait, my transcript’s not on there...

VIOLET I know, I looked it up.

WILLIAM Okay, why don’t we actually just let Toph talk?

VIOLET Wh-- we have everything we need to know right here.

WILLIAM Toph?

Violet groans.

TOPH Okay, hi, so, yeah, my name is Toph. I used to do music, but that didn’t really work out.

WILLIAM Wait. I might have heard of you.

TOPH I really doubt it-- my last album sold 2 copies.

WILLIAM Yeah, I bought one-- 31st of Octopher?

TOPH Holy crap, yeah. Dude.

WILLIAM Yeah. I mean, it’s total garbage, but yeah.

TOPH Huh. I wonder who bought the other one. (beat) It might have been me.

BOB So, I’m Bob, and uh, I’ve actually got a few questions for you.

TOPH Alright.

BOB Okay, first... do you use any intravenous drugs?

VIOLET Wait, what?

TOPH Um...

BOB It’s a yes or no question, Toph.

TOPH Uh, no.

BOB Moving on, what day is it?

TOPH Uh, Tuesday?

BOB Is-is that a question or--?

TOPH (affirmatively) Tuesday.

BOB Right. What color is my underwear?

TOPH What? VIOLET Bob. (sighs) Toph, I want to know why you’re even in Septem City. We’re literally in the middle of nowhere. Like, this is the center of Nowhere County.

TOPH Well, I read this article about a city that was being run by teenagers so I decided to check it out. How did you guys end up running this place anyway?

VIOLET Well, my grandma died a few years ago, and it turns out this land was in the will under my name. No idea why she gave it to me. Anyway, my parents got tired of me and moved out a little while later, so I decided to do something with this land.

TOPH So, why’d you get these goons instead of, you know, actual politicians?

VIOLET Well, Bob and William have been my friends for a while, and they’re freakin’ push- overs.

TOPH What about... what’s-his-face?

VIOLET Oh, Nerd?

DA NERD Oh, my God. How many times have I specifically said... ugh. Yeah, they call me Da Nerd but my real name’s

SCENE 4

EXT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - ENTRANCE

Many cars fill the parking lot of IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor. From inside, lights flash and electronic dance music blares.

INT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR

Hovering over the bar is a banner that reads “Congratulations, Weston”. WESTON sits at the bar alone, one hand on his drink.

Violet, Bob, William and Da Nerd rush over to Weston.

BOB Hey, Wes. How’s the man of the night?

WESTON (awkwardly) Um... okay, I guess.

WILLIAM Dude, lighten up. It’s a party, not a funeral.

WESTON No, no, no, I’m... light. Just... I’ll catch up with you guys later.

DA NERD Alright, see ya, Weston.

OTHERS See ya.

The gang walk away and stand closer to the crowd near the center of the parlor.

VIOLET This is actually a pretty kick-ass party.

WILLIAM Yeah, in honor of the saddest person in the world. I mean, look at him.

Weston chugs his entire drink in one gulp.

BOB (beat) Wait, isn’t he underage?

Da Nerd accidentally bumps into someone, effectively spilling his drink all over him.

DA NERD Oh-- sorry. Um...

The person looks up, revealing it to be Toph.

DA NERD (awkwardly) Oh... hey... Toph. Didn’t expect to see you here.

TOPH Yeah, I didn’t even know about this-- I was just walking and heard some bomb music so I decided to check it out.

DA NERD Yeah, we kinda forgot to invite you. Whoops.

TOPH Alright, well, whatever. I’m gonna go check out that game they’re playing over there.

DA NERD Alright.

Toph walks off.

VIOLET Nerd.

DA NERD What?

VIOLET What the hell? Did you invite him? DA NERD No, he just kind of came in.

VIOLET Wh-- how did he get past the usher?

DA NERD Last I heard, the usher’s getting high in the bathroom.

VIOLET Wh--

(under breath) damn it, Tanner.

(normal voice) Listen, you got to get that buzzkill out of here.

DA NERD But... ugghh...

VIOLET That’s an order.

DA NERD (sighs) Fine. I’ll see what I can do.

Da Nerd walks towards the crowd, surrounding a screen.

Violet turns back to Bob and William.

VIOLET Alright, he’s doing that. What do you guys want to do?

BOB Um, get blitzed off our freakin’ asses, that’s what.

WILLIAM No, no, Bob, we should find out what’s wrong with Weston. BOB What? Screw Weston.

WILLIAM Bob.

VIOLET Okay, yeah, Will’s right. Come on.

Bob groans, and the three walk over to Weston, who the bartender hands another drink, which he chugs.

VIOLET Hey, Wes.

WESTON Hi...? What’s up?

VIOLET Are... are you okay? (beat) Or 21?

WILLIAM Violet.

WESTON Uh... yeah...

VIOLET That didn’t sound like a genuine “yeah.” What’s up?

WESTON Nothing. Just drinking away the fact that I can’t handle social situations and a party setting like this is the perfect opportunity to avoid people.

Weston chugs yet another drink.

BOB Okay. Slow down.

WILLIAM Weston, why didn’t you say anything when we said we’re throwing a party for you?

WESTON Because... I... that would have been... awkward.

VIOLET Okay, Wes, if you weren’t okay with something like this, you should have told us-- we didn’t have to have a huge party.

WILLIAM Yeah.

BOB We-we could have thrown the party and not invited Weston.

VIOLET Bob.

BOB (beat) Sorry.

WESTON No, no, it’s okay, I-- you already went through all the trouble and I-- now I feel bad and...

VIOLET Okay, Weston, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to fix you.

WESTON You’re what?

VIOLET I’m gonna buy you, like, 6 more beers and you’re going to be the life of the party.

WILLIAM Wait-wait-wait, Violet, is that the best idea?

VIOLET Better than him sitting over here all alone.

BOB Alright, well if Weston’s getting hammered, so am I.

VIOLET Bob, you’re not 21 either--

Bob shushes her and sits at the bar next to Weston.

The bartender sets down two mugs of beer and they both chug theirs.

INT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - CROWD

Loud music blares out of speakers on either side of a large flat-screen TV. In front of the TV stands SIMON, wielding a plastic guitar, who plays the final notes of a song.

The crowd cheers and Simon walks off, among 3 other people, who all leave their plastic instruments.

IRMJII (O.S.) Alright, good set, guys. Up next in the Battle of the Bands is, uh, Toph. Like the band name-- simple and short.

Da Nerd eyes Toph in the crowd and rushes to him, but ends up spilling his drink on him again. He looks up.

TOPH Today is really not your day.

DA NERD Okay, hi, listen. Um, this is kind of awkward but like, since you weren’t, you know, like, invited--

TOPH Okay, wait, I gotta go.

DA NERD Wait, what, why?

TOPH I’m up. That’s me.

Toph walks on-stage and takes one of the plastic guitars. However, no one else joins him. IRmjii walks on-stage towards Toph.

IRMJII Hey, is it just you?

TOPH Uh, yeah. I mean, I’ve never actually played before.

IRMJII Oh, good luck. What’s your name?

TOPH Toph.

IRMJII (into mic) Toph will be taking on the Battle of the Bands solo. (beat) That’s gotta be tough. Best of luck.

IRmjii walks off-stage. Toph slowly crawls through the list of songs. The crowd indecipherably shouts requests.

INT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - BAR

Bob slams down his mug forcefully, and wobbles.

VIOLET And Bob’s still going strong at 6 drinks. Let’s see how the competition is doing.

We pan slowly to Weston passed out on the floor. VIOLET (CONT’D) Oh.

WILLIAM Hey, Violet, I don’t think this is really that great of an idea. I mean, what if something serious happens? What if Bob’s liver fails, or-or it gets out that he was drinking underage?

VIOLET William, did you forget that we’re City Hall? We can do anything we want.

The bartender hands Violet a martini glass. She raises it in the air.

VIOLET Cheers.

Violet takes in the entirety of the glass in one sip.