Patrick Star Wars: The Rise of Starwalker

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...



Patrick Star Wars: The Rise of Starwalker is an episode of The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star.

Part 1: Patrick Star Wars

Part 2: Patrick Star Wars: The Farce Awakens

Prologue
(We begin on the water planet from the end of The Farce Awakens, years before General Sandra and Squidroid reach it. Pat Starwalker is wandering around one of the planet's islands late at night. He finds a cave with smoke coming out of it, and he walks into the cave, shivering.)

Pat: Hello?

(Pat walks deeper into the cave and finds a short green alien warming his hands by a fire.)

Pat: W-who are you?

??: I am the Jedi Master Coda. Waiting a long time for you, I have been.

Pat: Why? What's so special about me?

??: Destined to save the galaxy from unspeakable evil, you are.

Pat: Talking like this must be fun, it...must...be!

??: Make fun of how I speak, you shouldn't. Or knock you into the next solar system, I will!

Pat: Oops! Sorry.

??: Of the essence, time is. Learn to use the Force, you must.

Pat: The Force? How do I learn to do that?

??: First clear you mind, you should. A problem with that, you should not have.

Pat: Okay. I'll try.

??: No! Do, or do not. There is no try. Understand this, can you?

Pat: I'll try to.

??: (sighs) A lot to learn, you still have.

Part I
(We're in the present day. Pat Starwalker follows General Sandra and Squidroid into their spaceship.)

Pat: So, how have you been the last 30 years, princess?

Sandra: I'm not a princess anymore. I'm now a respected war general.

Pat: That sounds a lot harder than being a princess!

Sandra: Yes, but this is the path I've chosen. My parents made me a princess. I became a general through my own hard work.

Pat: Where did you learn to fly a ship?

Sandra: All generals know how to fly ships.

Pat: You didn't answer my question.

Sandra: (sighs) SpongeSolo taught me.

Pat: Ooh! Are you and SpongeSolo, like, a thing now?

(Sandra steers the ship left to avoid an asteroid.)

Sandra: Something like that.

Pat: Where's Obi-Wan? I could kill for a Krabby Packet right now!

Sandra: Uh...

(Sandra looks at Squidroid, who beeps unhappily.)

Squidroid: Obi-Wan Krabnobi died several years ago.

Pat: What? Who's running the Kelestial Krab now, then?

Squidroid: A group of investors led by Mickey Mouse, the richest creature in the galaxy, purchased the Kelestial Krab from Obi-Wan before his untimely passing.

Pat: (pauses) Take me there.

Sandra: But don't you want to see our friends first?

Pat: Not on an empty stomach.

Sandra: There are lots of fast food places in the galaxy.

Pat: I want a Krabby Packet!

Sandra: (sighs) Fine. But make it quick.

(Sandra puts her ship into hyperdrive, and one obligatory wipe transition later, they're on Pat's home planet, walking towards the Kelestial Krab.)

Pat: Have you ever had a Krabby Packet, princess?

Sandra: No, and I'm not a princess.

Pat: Oh right, I forgot! How about you, Squidroid?

Squidroid: I'm a robot.

Pat: Uh-huh!

Squidroid: Robots don't eat.

Pat: Uh-huh!

Squidroid: Just grab your blasted Krabby Packet!

(Pat runs into the Kelestial Krab, which looks almost exactly like how he remembers it, outside of some modern upgrades to the architecture and the fact that a droid is selling food behind the counter instead of the restaurant's late owner.)

Pat: One Krabby Packet, my good sir!

Droid: That will be one credit.

(Pat gives the droid a credit, and the droid gives Pat a Krabby Packet. Pat spits the Krabby Packet out immediately after eating it.)

Pat: This isn't a Krabby Packet! This is just a cheap imitation!

Droid: Alert! Unsatisfied customer! Must destroy! Must destroy!

(Red lights start flashing, and the droid's arms turn into laser guns.)

Pat: Uh-oh!

(Sandra notices the red lights coming out of the Kelestial Krab's windows, and she rushes to the door, but it's locked.)

Sandra: Pat? Are you okay?

(Pat doesn't respond, so Sandra backs away from the door before kicking it down. She finds Pat sitting at the counter with the droid's head in his hands.)

Pat: Man, I'm never eating here again!

Sandra: (laughs) Come on, Pat. Let's meet SpongeSolo.

(Pat follows Sandra out of the restaurant with the droid's head.)

Pat: At least I got a souviever out of it!

(Sandra, Pat, and Squidroid fly to the jungle planet SpongeSolo is on and land beside the Resisty base. As they leave the ship, SpongeSolo, Garebacca, Finn, and Rei all greet them.)

Pat: Who are the new guys?

Rei: I'm a girl!

Pat: You sure don't look like one!

(Rei takes out a lightsaber and points it at Pat.)

Sandra: Come on, Rei. We didn't go to all that trouble to bring Pat back just for you to kill him.

Rei: Why bring Pat back? What's so important about him?

Sandra: He's our friend!

Rei: Friends don't abandon other friends.

Pat: She's got a point there, Sandra.

Sandra: What did you want us to do, leave him to rot on that island?

Pat: She's got a point there, too, Rei.

Rei: I have nothing to do with this. I'm just a scavenger.

Sandra: No, Rei. You're so much more.

Rei: What else am I?

Sandra: You're a hero.

(Sandra walks into the Resisty base, and everyone follows her.)

Sandra: Even though we've taken down Ren, he was little more than an apprentice to the true Big Bad, somebody looking to bring back the Galactic Chumpire.

Rei: But the Galactic Chumpire died with Darth Planktor. Who could become powerful enough to bring it back so soon after it collapsed?

Sandra: I...don't know that yet. He's managed to keep his identity hidden, but we've intercepted some of his communications, and we've seen enough to be relatively certain he plans to bring back the Chumpire with a devastating weapon more powerful than any we have seen before. We need all hands on deck to stop him.

Rei: So let me get this straight: you want us to help you fight some villian you don't know planning to bring back the Galactic Chumpire with a weapon that might not even exist?

Sandra: Well, when you put it like that...

Rei: Fly me back home, SpongeSolo.

SpongeSolo: You got it! Hi, Pat.

Pat: Hi, SpongeSolo. Hi, Garebacca.

Garebacca: Merowrowrow.

Finn: So, uh, when will I get something to do?

Sandra: You totally will! Sometime! Probably!

(SpongeSolo flies the Millenium Fruit to Pat's home planet with Garebacca, Pat, and Rei as passengers.)

Pat: You're from here, too?

Rei: Yeah. What about it?

Pat: I think we got off on the wrong foot. Hi, my name's Pat!

(Pat extends a hand, but Rei doesn't shake it. As they leave the Millenium Fruit, they're surrounded by stormtroopers.)

Rei: W-what's going on?

(Rei hears a familiar laugh in the distance, and her eyes widen as Mickey Mouse walks into the circle of stormtroopers.)

Mickey: Ha ha! I caught you slicing my droid's head off, pink boy, and now I want it back!

Pat: No way! Finders keepers!

Mickey: Do you not see the army of stormtroopers around you? I will recover my intellectual property! Ha ha!

SpongeSolo: Just give him the head, Pat, so we can go home!

Pat: I can't give him the head! I...left it on Sandra's ship.

(SpongeSolo puts his head in his hands.)

Mickey: Looks like we'll be going on an adventure, then! Ha ha! And to make sure you aren't jerking me around, I'll take all four of you onto my ship as prisoners!

Rei: What? I have nothing to do with this!

Mickey: Since I found you with that thief, that automatically makes you an accomplice under intergalactic law. Ha ha! If I don't get that droid head back, I'll make sure you all spend the rest of your lives in space jail!

(The stormtroopers guide Pat, Rei, SpongeSolo, and Garebacca into a ship shaped like Mickey's head. Only a few of the stormtroopers stay with the four as Mickey blasts off, while the rest of them surround the Millenium Fruit, guns pointed outward.)

Mickey: So tell me, where is this other ship at?

Pat: I don't know! The galaxy is big!

Rei: (points) It's that way.

Mickey: Ha ha! You're lucky you have that girl with you!

SpongeSolo: When do I get my ship back?

Mickey: As soon as I've recovered my property. If I don't find it where you're taking me, I'll send the order to have your ship destroyed and the scrap metal sold to cover the cost of that droid your friend destroyed. Ha ha!

Pat: It's that droid's fault for trying to kill me!

Mickey: You weren't satisfied, and our work droids are programmed to kill unsatisfied customers to protect our reputation. Ha ha! Try being satisfied next time.

Rei: That's a cruddy way to run a business!'

Mickey: Spoken like someone who has never run a business of her own. Ha ha!

Pat: Why did you have to ruin the Kelestial Krab, anyway?

Mickey: It's not ruined! It's more profitable than ever! Ha ha! Yeah, the food's a bit worse, but not worse enough that people will stop buying it, at least not unless loudmouths like you draw attention to it. Where do I go from here?

SpongeSolo: Turn right.

(Rei looks at SpongeSolo with uncertainty, but SpongeSolo nods.)

Mickey: Is he correct, girl? Should I go right?

Rei: Yeah.

Mickey: All right then! Ha ha!

(A few hours later, Mickey lands the ship on an ice planet.)

Mickey: Brr! It's cold! I should have brought my jacket! Ha ha! Okay, where's the other ship at?

(The four prisoners look at the stormtroopers pointing laser guns at them and then look at Mickey.)

Mickey: Where's...the other...ship?

(Pat and Rei take out their lightsabers and dispose of the stormtroopers behind them easily.)

Mickey: Oh, so this was a trap! I'm sure the stormtroopers back home would love to hear about that! Ha ha!

(Mickey takes out a phone, and SpongeSolo shoots it out of his hand with a laser gun.)

Mickey: (raises hands) Okay, you got me.

(SpongeSolo, Pat, and Rei slowly appraoch Mickey, who then sprints to his phone, being pulled back by...something right before he can reach it.)

Mickey: W-what is this?

(Pat, whose eyes are closed and who is pointing at Mickey with open palms, raises his hands, causing Mickey to rise off the ground.)

Mickey: Stop that! I...I'm afraid of heights!

Rei: (astonished) I thought this was the stuff of fairy tales.

SpongeSolo: You know how to use the Force, Pat?

Pat: Oh, yeah! Did I not mention it?

(As Mickey floats in the air, SpongeSolo grabs his phone and destroys it.)

SpongeSolo: You're good to go, Pat.

(Pat opens his eyes and lowers his hands, and Mickey falls gracefully to the ground.)

Mickey: (terrified) You...you'll pay for this! Ha ha!

(SpongeSolo and Garebacca carry Mickey onto the ship behind Pat and Rei. SpongeSolo flies the ship back to Pat's home planet, and Mickey walks off the ship and nervously approaches the stormtroopers surrounding the Millenium Fruit, looking back once to find SpongeSolo with a laser gun pointed at him and Pat with an open palm point at him.)

Mickey: Hey, guys! I got what I wanted, so uh, let's get off this planet! Ha ha!

Stormtrooper: You still want us to tear this ship apart?

Mickey: N-no! Just come back! Mouse's orders! Ha ha!

(After the former prisoners leave the ship, Mickey gets back into his ship with the stormtroopers. The ship flies off, and another wipe transition sends us to Mickey's home planet, Pluto. Mickey is in his office on the top floor of his company headquarters when a massive alien walks in.)

Mickey: Good to see you again.

(The alien turns around to reveal Darth Planktor, now in a suit that resembles Darth Vader's, strapped to his back.)

Darth Planktor: (breathing heavily) And it's good...to see you.