One Billion Dollars

One Billion Dollars is a parody of the SpongeBob episode Clams.

Transcript

 * Sandals: Uhh, what do you like better? The bagel or the chocolate pudding?
 * Squidward: I like neither. Can I take your order?
 * Sandals: What about the do'hnuts, are they any good?
 * Squidward: No. What will you have?
 * Sandals: Well, uhh, what's your vote on the lots of spaghetti...
 * Squidward: Sir, let's just get this out of the way, I hate everything on the menu! Now, what do you want?
 * SpongeBob: [pokes his head out from behind the kitchen window] Psst, try the bagel.
 * Sandals: Uhh, I'll try the the bagel.
 * Squidward: That will be one dollar. [rings up one dollar then a siren goes off]
 * Sandals: What's going on?
 * Squidward: Something stupid, I'm sure. [alarm stops as a curtain opens up to show a real band in the background playing music. Mr. Krabs comes out from his office]
 * Mr. Krabs: Yippee! [kisses Sandals and Squidward. Takes the dollar and rubs it all over himself] Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha!
 * Squidward: See? I told you.
 * SpongeBob: What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: [runs over to the counter] Nothing, lad! Do you know what this is?
 * Squidward: A very dirty dollar?
 * Mr. Krabs: No, this is my one billionth dollar earned! Every crab's goal in life is to make one billion dollars, and now I got mine! Congratulations, sir! You have just given me my one billionth dollar!
 * Sandals: Ha, great! Uhh, what do I win?
 * Mr. Krabs: Nothing!
 * Sandals: Uhh, what?
 * Mr. Krabs: Get out of here! Everybody get out, you're spoiling me moment! [pushes everyone out the door] Me billionth dollar!
 * SpongeBob: Congratulations, Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: Congratulate yourselves, lad! A superior overlord's nothing without his loyal minions! I mean, minions like you comes around maybe once in a lifetime! And to reward you for making me billionth dollar, I'm taking you on an evil trip.
 * SpongeBob: Wow, a trip!
 * Squidward: I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs! Where we going, PokePark?
 * Mr. Krabs: How about no?
 * Squidward: Robot Pirate Island? [scene cuts to the three of them laying in a box)
 * Mr. Krabs: How about no?
 * Squidward: Ooh, ooh, ooh, Tatoine? [scene cuts to the three of them in 18th century clothing]
 * Mr. Krabs: No! [scene cuts to them wearing raincoats on a boat]
 * Squidward: Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? Fishing for stinky clams on a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?
 * Mr. Krabs: Shut up, Squidward. Over 9,000 goodfellas at sea with nothing to do but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams then throw them back. Don't you think that's fun?
 * Squidward: No. [takes off his raincoat and sits on his chair] And to think I could be wearing a powdered wig right now.
 * SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, you want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
 * Squidward: NOO!
 * SpongeBob: Ok! [SpongeBob casts his line behind him which catches on Squidward's magazine. SpongeBob brings his line forward and casts it in the lagoon. SpongeBob casts Squidward's chair]
 * Squidward: Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOUUUW!!!! [SpongeBob casts Squidward's nose into the lagoon. Squidward screams then walks up to Mr. Krabs] Okay, I've had enough.
 * Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Oh Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit over eager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. SpongeBob casts Mr. Krabs millionth dollar into the lagoon] Me billionth dollar! SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me billionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I kill you! [music plays] Oh no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostentation in D minor! Every idiot knows that means you must die! Reel it in before it's too late! Hurry, SpongeBob. the music's getting faster! [SpongeBob reels it in as fast as he can. Mr. Krabs opens the doors to the orchestra] There you are ya stinkin' bilge rats. Stop playing that music! Stop it, please! I'm begging ya! Come on, honey, you can make it. Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Here she comes...She made it!
 * Mr. Krabs: [holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner! [ominous orchestra music plays again. A giant clam jumps up and takes Mr. Krabs dollar. Mr. Krabs starts crying]
 * Squidward: So, some evil trip, eh, Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, you're  gonna believe it! A giant blue-lipped clam ate me billionth dollar! [bawling] I lost me dollar and I'll never get it back! Never, never, never, never, never...
 * SpongeBob: I've  seen Mr. Krabs so broken up. [Mr. Krabs is in pieces, crying]
 * Squidward: Oh, please, he's such a drama queen. C'mon, Mr. Krabs, drop the act. [Mr. Krabs is crying and his body parts are scattered] Mr. Krabs, it's just a stupid dollar. [continues weeping. Mr. Krabs pours tears into his mouth] For Pete's sake, Mr. Krabs, suck it up! [Mr. Krabs' eyes fill up then leak out tears like water faucets] Mr. Krabs... [Mr. Krabs is stil wailing] Ok, ok, Mr. Krabs, we'll help you get your dollar back! [Mr. Krabs throws his thumb away that he was sucking on]
 * Mr. Krabs: You will? Great! Wait right here. [runs off to get some items. Comes back with a bunch of fishing gear on] Here's where clam fishing gets serious! [scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is on top of the boat and SpongeBob and Squidward are on the lower deck] Ok, you men boy the fishing poles and I'll keep me eyes peeled for Old Blue Lip.
 * SpongeBob: [salutes] Aye aye, captain!
 * Mr. Krabs: And remember, we don't leave until we take over the world. [Mr. Krabs scouts the area. Scene cuts to later where Mr. Krabs has a beard on from scouting for too long. Squidward and SpongeBob looks the same as Mr. Krabs]
 * Squidward: That's it, I'm finished! We've been here for over 9,000 days and haven't gotten a nibble. This is hopeless!
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, and I've got to get home to feed Gary. [scene cuts to Gary chewing the couch at home]
 * Squidward: We're gonna die out here just because a clam ate Mr. Krabs' stupid dollar. [takes a dollar out of his wallet] Well, if he wants his dollar back, I say we give it to him. Know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Huh?
 * SpongeBob: NO! [jabbers. Scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is still scouting the area]
 * SpongeBob & Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs steers his eyes toward the other two to see them waving a dollar] Look what we've got!
 * Mr. Krabs: [jumps down and gasps] Could it be? [takes the dollar] Me Billionth dollar? [starts cheering again as well as SpongeBob and Squidward] Whoo-hoo! [stops dancing] Wait a minute... [A time card comes up that says "so much later that SpongeBob and Squidward got so tired of waiting that they hired new one} This isn't me billionth dollar. [SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other] This is a stupid dollar that's been burnt, torn slightly, blew up, and kissed with Coral Blue #2 Semi-Gloss Lipstick. [shows dollar bill just like described]
 * SpongeBob: Actually, it's Coral Blue number t... [Squidward hits him with a fishing rod] 9,000.
 * Mr. Krabs: I trusted you, and you gave me this crap? I  believe me own crew would betray me like this. [cries]
 * Squidward: No. Uh-uh. No, we will not be swayed by tears anymore.
 * Mr. Krabs: I see. Then I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.
 * Squidward: You're kidding?
 * SpongeBob: Woo! Is it another evil trip?
 * Mr. Krabs: No, it's this receipt from the Phony Baloney Mustache Emplorium. [nails the sandwich to a pole]
 * Squidward: A receipt? You expect me to break my back over 9,000 Phony Baloney Moustaches?
 * Mr. Krabs: Yes! [throws the other receipts into the water] The receipt.
 * Squidward: Whatever. We've got plenty more to... [Mr. Krabs throws the refrigerator into the water] ...wear.
 * Mr. Krabs: Now, I think we don't understand each other. Nobody lives until I get my billionth dollar back.
 * Squidward: Uhh, SpongeBob, can I have a word with you? Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?!
 * SpongeBob: No?
 * Squidward: Just look at him. [pointing to Mr. Krabs, who is dressed like he is at a funeral crying at a tombstone with the words 'R.I.P. Me Billionth Dollar' on it. He then hugs it and there is a wanted poster with a Clam on it that says clam $1 Billion Dollars]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, he's lost his sanity. Haven't you...
 * Squidward: Look again. [Mr. Krabs uses his eyes as a jump rope while giggling]
 * SpongeBob: You're right. How do we get out of here?
 * Squidward: If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.
 * SpongeBob: Ok. [both scream over to the boat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up]
 * Mr. Krabs: So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [cries] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for  backstabbing slaves like you: [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line]  bait.
 * Squidward: You're crazy. I don't want to be bait If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?
 * Mr. Krabs: [dressed up as a conductor] First, everyone wants to be live bait.Second, oh, he'll come. [opens up the doors to the orchestra and begins to play the ominous music]
 * Squidward: Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say...YOU ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOU MIND! [Mr. Krabs cackles. The giant clam emerges above water coming closer to the two on the line] Get us out of here!
 * Mr. Krabs: Come on, lots of spaghetti! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me billionth dollar. [cabin doors open to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and goes underwater. Cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, poor Mr. Krabs.  Why couldn't it have been me?!
 * Squidward: Yes, why couldn't it have been you?! [both cry]
 * SpongeBob: Why did he go like this? Why?
 * Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?! [both cry loudly]
 * Mr. Krabs: Shut up, boys!
 * SpongeBob & Squidward: Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the water]
 * Mr. Krabs: Have you boys met... [holds his billionth dollar up] ...me billionth dollar? [chuckles]
 * SpongeBob: NO!
 * Mr. Krabs: It was easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter. So, eventually, we settled on a trade.
 * SpongeBob: What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and an arm]
 * Mr. Krabs: Is not obvious enough? I didn't give him anything important. [laughs]