Cult of War pt. 3: Battle of Three Armies

Cult of War pt. 3 is the final episode of season three of Cult of Squid.

Transcript
Previously on Cult of Squid… *Slow Ride by Foghat begins to play*

Cult Members: All hail brother Squidward!

…

Noseward: He can’t be dead!

Security: AAAH! PANIC ATTACK!

…

Security: Enough with the chit-chat, let’s get to the reviving!

(They walk up and pour the potion into Brother Squidward’s mouth)

Brother Squidward: (waking up) wh- wh-

Doctor Crayons: he's awake! (Gets slapped)

Brother Squidward: What did you do?! Why do I have this spear through my head?!

…

Neptune: yes it was… but then, this (lighting appears) stupid squid came along and took over the sea!

(The lightning strikes a random guard)

Neptune Guard: (weakly) should we do something, your highness?

…

Neptune: I am the GOD of the sea! You can’t take it over! So, you’ll be put on trial. And the jury? The people whose live you’ve RUINED.

Squidward: Ruined? I’ve done no such thing!

Neptune: Uh-huh. I’ll see you tomorrow, Brother Squidward.

…

Noseward: (stands up) uh, anyway- your honor, my client has been accused of (repeatedly bends nose) “taking over the sea without permission.” (stops)

Neptune: what are you doing with your- er- nose?

Noseward: I'm trying to make air quotes. It's kinda hard when you have 0 fingers.

Neptune: yes, i see. Uh, do go on.

…

Neptune: i hereby find brother squidward guilty. He will be sentenced to eternity in the sky cage. (slams gavel 3 times)

Noseward: wait, that's totally unfair!

(Guards come for Squidward)

Security: (grabs Squidward) if you're gonna cage Squidward, you're gonna have to get through me!

Guard 1: okay. (Throws trident at security)

Security: (dodges trident and drops Squidward) he's right here.

…

Plankton: Well his name is Zomp and he’s um kind of (whispers Evil to Barnacle Boy, Patrick, and SpongeBob) so yeah.

SpongeBob: He’s evil?!

Mermaid Man: EVIL?!!

(Mermaid man runs around wildly knocking tables over while screaming "evil")

Plankton: Yes evil, but this whole cult invasion may have changed him.

SpongeBob: Does he have good weapons?

Plankton: Only the best.

SpongeBob: Then it’s worth a shot!

…

Noseward: Bravo heroes, you’ve done it. You’ve made it to the boss round. The boss? Well obviously me. Ever since you lunatics locked Squidward away the cult has been falling apart.

…

Noseward: AHH! I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD ACTUALLY STAB ME! How long do I have to live?

SpongeBob: I stabbed you in a place that won’t kill you. You’ll just be in a lot, a lot of pain.

Noseward: *dolphin noises*

(Episode opens in the sky cage where we see Squidward throwing rocks out of holes in the wall)

Squidward: I’ve been here for so long.

Neptune: (appears) it’s only been ten months!

Squidward: That is quite a while.

Neptune: Well it’s not like you’re ever going to get out.

Squidward: Hey look, a bird!

Neptune: UNDERWATER?! IT MUST BE KILLED!

(Neptune accidentally zaps Squidward’s cage into non-existence in a failed attempt to kill the bird)

Squidward: Ha, freedom!

Neptune: Ah crap. You know you can’t really do anything right?

Squidward: No, I’ll go check up on my cult.

Neptune: You mean the cult currently being destroyed by the ragtag team of feathered friends and their other pals?

Squidward: WHAT?!

(Squidward runs full speed back to the cult; cut to the ruins of the cult, with Noseward, the Initiator, and Security standing in the rubble)

SpongeBob: We have you surrounded and there is nothing you can do.

(All of a sudden a cannonball gets fired directly at Plankton)

Plankton: NEVER MIND I AM SO SORRY GUYS!

SpongeBob: Really?

Plankton: YEAH I ONLY BETRAYED YOU TO GET SOME FREE CULT MERCH IT LOOKS SO COOL!

(Plankton shows off his cult sweatshirt)

SpongeBob: That is quite cool.

Mermaid Man: Oh no, the evil approaches!

(Cut to behind the pyramid ruins as a furious Zomp and a full troop ride downhill)

Zomp: ALRIGHT BOYS, REVENGE TIME IS NOW!

Noseward: Hooray! You’ve come to save us!

Zomp: Well yes but actually no. I’ll destroy both of your tiny armies and then take control of the ocean for myself.

Noseward: You traitor!

Zomp: Personally I just feel like betraying you means that I can take control of the seas more easily. Guards, kill them all.

(Three of Zomp’s guards begin to attack everybody; Mermaid Man hits one of them back with a water ball, Patrick body slams another, and Security shoots another)

Noseward: Yeah, you get them! I’ll just stay back here behind this large conveniently giant nose shaped stone!

Zomp: Guards take care of that dumbass too.

Noseward: Oh crap.

(A guard attacks Noseward and punches him where SpongeBob stabbed him, causing Noseward to fall back)

Barnacle Boy: There’s too many of them!

Mermaid Man: And they aren’t easy to beat up like those squids!

Zomp: That’s because they’re trained professionals.

Security: So everybody loses and you take control Zomp?

Zomp: Yeah, basically.

(All of a sudden, Squidward arrives)

Squidward: Hello boys.

SpongeBob: GASP!

Mermaid Man: Evil!

Zomp: KILL HIM TOO! NOW!

Zomp Guard 1: But that’s Squidward!

Squidward: That’s right gang, Brother Squidward has returned!

Noseward: Hallelujah!

Patrick: But how?

Squidward: Misfired láser.

(Neptune arrives)

Neptune: Alright, alright, ALRIGHT!

Zomp: Oh *dolphin noises*

Neptune: Zomp? I wasn’t expecting to see that you still have a following considering your multiple crimes against fishkind.

SpongeBob: What?

Zomp: Yeah *nervously* what?

Neptune: Whatever it doesn’t matter. Hi everybody. I’m Neptune, the true leader of the sea. And here today, you get to witness the complete destruction of the cult and Zomp. Well actually the cult already looks pretty destroyed so let me send these four hooligans to my dungeon.

Initiator: Oh hey, I need to suddenly vanish into thin air and not be seen until next season. Buy bye!

(The Initiator tries to vanish but Neptune stops him)

Initiator: Noooooooooo

Neptune: Zomp, oh Zomp. After what you did to all those people in the third oceanic war I thought you would have already been assassinated.

Zomp: Hey, my war crimes are justifiable.

Neptune: No they’re not.

(Neptune incinerates Zomp’s entire armada with his trident)

Zomp: Hey wait those were all people!

Neptune: I incinerated them and reincarnated them five years in the past to create a fun time loop. As for you…

Zomp: Hey don’t you think you should let me live? I have weapons! Money! Whatever you want I can give I to you!

Squidward: You do understand that he can literally make whatever he wants.

SpongeBob: And do whatever he wants when he wants in this post apocalyptic hell we’re living in thanks to you, Squidward.

Neptune: Alright enough, enough. Zomp I hereby sentence you to DEATH.

(Neptune snaps his fingers and Zomp’s legs light on fire)

Zomp: Wait no PLEASE! HAHA WE’RE UNDERWATER YOU BIG DOLT, I WON’T BURN!

Neptune: Well they did just reaffirm I can do whatever I want sooooo…

Zomp: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

(The flames burn away Zomp until nothing remains)

Neptune: That was fun. Alright, who’s next?

Security: I volunteer Noseward.

Noseward: Wait what?

Barnacle Boy: King Neptune, would you be willing to spare them? They may have killed millions and taken over the sea but they’re obviously idiots who deserve to rot in prison more than die.

Neptune: True. Then the four of you will now serve life sentences with 24 hours surveillance by the Krusty Komrades.

Squidward: I just broke out! Not fair!

Neptune: It is fair you absolute idiot.

Squidward: NO!

(Neptune teleports them away)

Neptune: Well heroes, you’ve won. I will give you the necessary materials to rebuild society.

(Neptune snaps his fingers and a bunch of female fish appear)

Neptune: Wait wrong ending.

(Neptune snaps his fingers again and many, many construction materials appear)

Neptune: Good luck.

SpongeBob: Yay we won!

Patrick: Woohoo!

Barnacle Boy: Well, let’s rebuild.

Plankton: I’m still here and I want the final word!

SpongeBob: Well you won’t get it.

(Cut to Squidward in a dungeon painting something with Secruity’s blood)

Squidward: Mwahahahaha, this plan can’t possibly fail.

Security: Was it necessary to cut open my legs?

Squidward: Yes.

(The camera zooms out to reveal Squidward painting a bloody pentagram)

Squidward: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!

Initiator: That was way overdone.

(The pentagram starts glowing and the episode ends)