There's a Monster in the Closet

Synopsis
Gary starts to believe the pineapple may be haunted, but SpongeBob believes there is a logical explanation.

Transcript
(Theme song plays)

 

(Episode begins with Gary going around Bikini Bottom trying to find people. He only comes across abandoned bars and strip clubs.)

 

Gary: Wait, who’s writing this episode? (screen cuts to a graphic that says “DanzxvFan8275”) Oh, that makes sense. He hasn’t written much recently. Damn fool.

 

(cuts to Gary coming home)

 

Gary: Well, that scouting didn’t work.

 

(cuts to SpongeBob walking home)

 

SpongeBob: Well, that scouting didn’t work. Oh, hey Gary. Find anyone?

 

Gary: No. I did find some of these though. (pills out more dildos)

 

SpongeBob: Hey, that might be a clue!

 

Gary: Yes, yes indeed.

 

SpongeBob: But I’m too tired. Let’s get some rest.

 

(opens the door to find a dark house)

 

SpongeBob: Eh, I’ll just turn the lights on.

 

(flips the switch, but instead of restoring light to the house, a spark goes off on Gary’s translator)

 

Gary: Meow?

 

SpongeBob: Use your words, Gary.

 

Gary: Meow.

 

SpongeBob: You okay bud?

 

(shrugs and goes around the rest of the house. Once he reaches the kitchen, a bunch of knives are launches from each wall.)

 

SpongeBob: What the fuck? (ducks) That was close.

 

(he tip-toes upstairs as he hears screams and painful orgasms)

 

SpongeBob: Don’t worry, Gary. None of this is real.

 

Gary: Meow!

 

SpongeBob: What the hell is up with you?

 

Gary: Meow! (Gary rushes to SpongeBob’s bedroom)

 

SpongeBob: Gary, please! (opens door) Gary, where are you? Gary?!

 

(opens closet and screams as Gary is tied to the wall)

 

SpongeBob: What the hell is going on?! (gets Gary down)

 

Gary: Meow! Meow! Meow!

 

SpongeBob: Wait. (turns on the light in the bedroom, restoring Gary’s translator)

 

Gary: Papa Bob, Papa Bob! It was awful! One minute, the bedroom is filled with blood, the next, I’m knocked out and tied to the wall! This house is haunted, Papa Bob. Haunted!

 

SpongeBob: Oh nice, you can talk again.

 

Gary: You… you didn’t listen to anything I just said, did you.

 

SpongeBob: (inhales) No.

 

Gary: Your. House. Is. Haunted.

 

SpongeBob: Bullshit, Gary. We’ve lived here for years, how is it haunted?

 

Gary: Look around you. The lights didn’t work, we almost got impaled in the kitchen, there are sounds of desperation everywhere, I was almost kidnapped and killed!

 

SpongeBob: Okay, maybe you’re right. But there’s gotta be a reasonable explanation for this!

 

Gary: I already gave you an explanation, it’s haunted!

 

SpongeBob: No, I mean, how did all of this start?

 

Gary: Papa Bob. Listen. HAUNTED.

 

SpongeBob: Why did I think it was a good idea to restore your translator?

 

(cuts to the next morning where nothing seems to be haunted)

 

SpongeBob: So far, so good.

 

Gary: That’s funny, it’s fine now. Ya know, it’s like it’s only controlled at certain parts of the day. Ya know, almost like it’s haunted.

 

(SpongeBob has his hand close to the light switch)

 

Gary: No! Don’t!

 

SpongeBob: Then stop saying the same thing over and over again. (walks away) Maybe we need to set up a plan to spy on what’s going on.

 

Gary: Yeah. So we can find out if it’s hau- (SpongeBob folds his arms) Uhh, heh, what were we talking about again?

 

SpongeBob: You still have those dildos, right?

 

Gary: Yeah, what about them?

 

SpongeBob: What if he put a trail of then by.. uhh… where?

 

Gary: I think it’s in the closet. It was locked earlier.

 

SpongeBob: Okay, perfect.

 

(cuts to them by the closet)

 

Gary: It’s right in there.

 

SpongeBob: Are you sure?

 

Gary: Yes. Now put the dildos down.

 

SpongeBob: Okay (puts a few down) This might actually be pretty go-

 

(gets dragged under the door and Gary watching in horror. Cuts to SpongeBob being thrown out)

 

SpongeBob: I think I’ve been scarred for life.

 

Gary: It’s okay. I’ll go get the bleach.

 

SpongeBob: Seriously though, he kidnapped you, and now he raped me. (gets phone call) Yeah? Oh. (hangs up) Apparently we can’t use that word here. Take two. (cuts to the scene starting over.) He kidnapped you AND slammed me? (puts thumbs up as he smiles at the screen)

 

Gary: Just finish setting up the dildos.

 

SpongeBob: Okay. Wait, Gary, I got it!

 

Gary: What?

 

SpongeBob: It’s a sex-obsessed monster. He kidnapped you in order to steal your dildos. He rap- I mean slammed me. Now he’s masturbating.

 

Gary: Uhh, yeah.

 

SpongeBob: Wait what?

 

Gary: I already knew that. Why do you think we’re using a trail of dildos?

 

SpongeBob: I don’t know. But I think I know what's up. He gets hypnotized by suggestive pictures which makes him violent.

 

Gary: Wait, really?

 

SpongeBob: Yeah. When he jumped me, I was seeing posters all over the place.

 

Gary: Alright, so just make the trail up to some posters. That’ll work.

 

SpongeBob: Bet.

 

Narrator: Lots of boring waiting later…

 

SpongeBob: (shows watch) 11pm. Around the same time we got home last night.

 

(the monster opens the door)

 

Gary: Take cover!

 

(the duo runs and hides behind a couch)

 

Monster: Welp, time to shine. Hey, dildos! I need to add to my collection!

 

(the monster grabs all of the dildos and makes his way to the posters)

 

Monster: Well that’s all of the- (hypnotized) Oh yeah baby!

 

SpongeBob: It’s worki-

 

Gary: Shut the hell up!

 

(monster grabs knives and ketchup)

 

Gary: That blood was only ketchup? But the knives are still real!

 

SpongeBob: Hey, Gary, look.

 

(monster is stuck underneath a table setting up the knives)

 

Gary: Let’s pounce!

 

(the two get out and sprint to the monster. They dive and tackle him and try to pin him to the ground.)

 

Monster: I guess it’s my turn to be raped!

 

SpongeBob: Can’t say that.

 

Monster: Oh, my bad. Then it’s my turn to be slammed.

 

(the monster is now knocked out)

 

Gary: We did it, Papa Bob!

 

SpongeBob: Damn straight! Now let’s see who this damn fool is.

 

(pulls the cover off of the monster to reveal who it is as the two are in shock)

 

Gary: The… The Boss?

 

The Boss: (waking up) Was I slammed?

 

SpongeBob: Why would you do that?

 

Gary: Yeah, you haun-

 

SpongeBob: Gary…

 

Gary: I mean you scared the living shit out of us.

 

The Boss: Trust me, I did it for your own good. I wanted to motivate you guys to look around town more.

 

SpongeBob: By nearly killing us?

 

The Boss: Listen. You two were spending too much time in the comfort of your home. So I set up a bunch of traps and other horror stuff so you could be scared of your house and stay outside more, enabling you to want to explore more. I just gotta ask you: did it work?

 

Gary: Honestly, Boss.. no. No it didn’t.

 

SpongeBob: Yeah, we were just trying to stop you the whole time.

 

The Boss: Oh.

 

Gary: But when you put it like that… I think we can do that.

 

The Boss: Excellent.

 

(episode ends)