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Latest revision as of 18:13, 11 September 2021
| No Perversion. | |
|---|---|
| |
| Series | No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom |
| Season | 5 |
| Episode | 13 |
| Airdate | September 7, 2021 |
| Production company | Kingshire Entertainment Pineapple Entertainment |
| Written by | Squidnerd FireMatch DanzxvFan8275 |
| Directed by | Squidnerd The Terrible Travis |
| Title card by | FireMatch |
| Previous Episode | "False Flag" |
No Perversion. is the thirteenth episode of season five, and the fifty-fifth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 7, 2021.
Plot
Mr. Fancyson holds a contest to see who is the biggest degenerate in Bikini Bottom.
Transcript
[The episode opens at Little Saint Fancyson Island, where the rebuilding after the false flag attack has just been completed.]
Mr. Fancyson: Ah, nothing beats a hard day of construction labor!
[The screen pans out, where we can see Mr. Fancyson in an AC room, with his assistant cleaning his tentacles, while the construction workers are sweating profusely with no safety equipment. The manager walks up to Mr. Fancyson, handing him a bill.]
Mr. Fancyson: What’s this?
Construction Manager: The bill.
Mr. Fancyson: The WHAT
Construction Manager: Sir, we’ve got ten skyscrapers to repair today, just pay us.
Mr. Fancyson: I don’t have to pay you anything! I OWN YOU!
Construction Manager: You do own our company, but you’re required by law to pay for all the materials used, and our wages.
Mr. Fancyson: Absolutely ridiculous! [reads the bill] ONE MILLION DOLLARS?!
Construction Manager: Don’t make me take this to the NLRB…
Mr. Fancyson: YOU WILL NOT DELETE MY TWEETS! [throws a million dollars in cash at the Construction Manager] Now leave!
[The construction crew leaves.]
Mr. Fancyson: I can’t believe I had to spend such a large amount of money on this! My net worth has now dipped by 0.0000000000000000000000000000001%! But thankfully, I can make this up!
Assistant: How?
Mr. Fancyson: Well, I added a new part to my resort—a sporting arena! I shall hold a contest!
Assitant: What kind of contest? Something like the Olympics?
Mr. Fancyson: Nope. I’m talking about a contest to see who is the biggest degenerate in Bikini Bottom! I’m gonna be making millions UPON millions!
Assistant: Who on earth would pay to see that?
[Suddenly, the arena fills up with Bikini Bottomites, who pay by throwing all their money into the air, and all degenerates line up in front of Mr. Fancyson to pay the contestant entry fee.]
Assistant: I hate this place.
[One hour later.]
Mr. Fancyson: Alright, I’ve finished counting the money. Now, I shall introduce the contestants, and then, the games shall begin!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Fancyson: Please give a round of applause to Mr. Sullivan!
[The crowd is silent.]
Mr. Sullivan: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I will personally jump into this crowd and to every bunny or AOC I find, I will- [Mr. Fancyson pushes Mr. Sullivan aside]
Mr. Fancyson: Moving on… Little Pimp!
[The crowd is silent.]
Mr. Fancyson: Eh, I’m not interested in these losers either, so I’ll speed through this. The other contestants are Mr. Bass, Mr. Banana, Mr. Pew, Mr. Trump, Mr. Biden—
[The crowd remains silent.]
Mr. Sullivan: Damn, does the crowd hate all of us?
Mr. Fancyson: And last but not least, Mr. Renaud!
[The crowd roars in excitement.]
Mr. Pimp: Just like how I won the rap game, I’ll win the degenerate game. I have a special trick up my sleeve—[looks over at Mr. Biden, who is training by heavily sniffing at someone in the crowd] Pft, this dude is clearly steroids. [yells] AHEM! I HAVE A REVELATION!
[Everyone looks at Mr. Pimp.]
Mr. Pimp: Mr. Biden is doping!
Mr. Biden: Absolutely pre-pre-pre [takes out a syringe and injects it into his arm] PREPOSTEROUS!
Mr. Fancyson: Joe! I cannot believe you’re using steroids to win this esteemed contest!
Mr. Biden: It’s not for the contest, it’s to live! I’d be dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for these babies!
Mr. Fancyson: Well, I’m afraid you’re disqualified. GET OUT!
[Mr. Pimp chuckles as Mr. Biden leaves.]
Mr. Renaud: Now wait a minute, are we just going to ignore that Mr. Pimp did the worst thing ever? HE SNITCHED!
[Everyone, including Mr. Fancyson, gasps.]
Mr. Pimp: Why are you gasping, Squilliam, you literally kicked him out—
Mr. Renaud: I have lost countless, COUNTLESS associates throughout my years at CPTV because someone snitched on them! Snitches have proven themselves to be the clear enemy of degenerates, so they cannot be tolerated here! I demand you leave immediately, Mr. Pimp!
Mr. Pimp: But—
[The crowd boos and throws things at Mr. Pimp.]
Mr. Pimp: Alright, fine! [leaves]
Mr. Trump: I too have a special trick up my sleeve. Oh, Larry!
[Mr. Lobster runs to the arena.]
Mr. Lobster: AT YOUR SERVICE, MR. PRESIDENT!
Mr. Trump: [points at Mr. Pew] See that skunk over there? He’s a… [gulps] B*den voter.
Mr. Lobster: Oh dear God...I’ll stop this monster, Mr. President!
[Cut to Mr. Pew, who is seen dribbling two basketballs.]
Mr. Pew: [sweating] I gotta dribble these balls! I GOTTA DRIBBLE THESE BIG, STRONG BALLS—
[Suddenly, Mr. Lobster tackles him, and throws him out of the arena.]
Mr. Pew: [in mid-air] So, it appears that cancel culture has caught up to me.
Assistant: Damn, we lost three contestants already. Better start the first event now, sir.
Mr. Fancyson: Alright. The first event shall be a suicide jerk race. I have phoned everybody’s parents, and they are due to arrive in five minutes. You must ejaculate before they come, or else they’ll straighten you out in front of everyone!
Mr. Pepperchicken: [in the audience] I love to see people straightened out! All the gay must be destroyed! [whispers to himself] You can’t keep this up for too long, Timmy ol boy.
[Everyone begins to jerk off. Five minutes later, everyone’s parents arrive. All have ejaculated with the exception of Mr. Bass and Mr. Trump.]
Mr. Bass Sr.: Son, what the hell are you doing?!
Mr. Bass: Uh…
Mr. Bass Sr.: I cannot believe you would do this. [grabs Mr. Bass by his ear] LET’S GO!
[Mr. Bass and his father leave. Cut to Mr. Trump, who is seen struggling to bust his nut.]
Mr. Sullivan: So, where are Trump’s parents?
Mr. Trump: Unfortunately, they have passed—which means I’m still in the game!
Mr. Fancyson: So, as most of you folks have just jacked off, here’s my second challenge: no one jacks off for five minutes.
Mr. Sullivan: I thought this was a degeneracy contest!
Mr. Fancyson: When you’re deprived of your rights to jack off, your mind goes crazy. You’ll snap. Those who snap the hardest will advance into the next round.
Mr. Sullivan: Well, that sounds rather difficult—[suddenly hallucinates and sees what he thinks is Lola Bunny in the last row of the arena] I’M COMING LOLA! [runs up to them]
[Five minutes later.]
Mr. Fancyson: Looks like everyone has done something degenerate, except...MR. BANANA!
Mr. Banana: But there wasn’t a single strawberry, or any other type of fruit, here! I checked!
Mr. Fancyson: For the semi-final, we shall have a public fucking contest! The three contestants left—Mr. Renaud, Mr. Sullivan, and Mr. Trump—shall have to fuck someone, of my choosing! The two that do it the best will advance into the final!
Mr. Trump: I got this!
Mr. Fancyson: Mr. Renaud, you’ll fuck one of your students. Mr. Sullivan, you’ll fuck Lola Bunny. Mr. Trump, you’ll fuck—
Mr. Trump: Miss Universe?
Mr. Fancyson: Nope. Mr. Lobster.
Mr. Lobster: YAY!
Mr. Trump: NOT AGAIN!
Mr. Lobster: [shakes his ass] C’mon, Donald, I want to feel some of that TRUMP COCK!
Mr. Trump: NEVER! I QUIT! [runs out of the arena]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Woo, Mr. Trump! BASED!
Mr. Lobster: Hmm...I suppose that he’s rather private when it comes to these matters. You liberals don’t deserve to see something as glorious as this! [runs out of the arena to chase Mr. Trump]
Mr. Fancyson: If Mr. Trump doesn’t come back within five minutes, he’s disqualified from the contest. Anyways, let the fucking… BEGIN!
[Mr. Renaud starts fucking one of his students, and Mr. Sullivan starts fucking Lola Bunny.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: GO SULLIVAN! The straightest guy I’ve ever met! Getting a nice, HARD pounding on that sexy furry rabbit pussy!
Mr. Sullivan: Oh yeah, gimme those big, bunny-
Mr. Renaud: GIMME THAT COOCHIE!
Female student: Okay.
[Mr. Renaud goes at it harder, and starts outpacing Mr. Sullivan.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: OH YEAH BABY!
Mr. SquarePants: Why are we here again, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Watch the sport or you’re fired.
Mr. SquarePants: Yes, Mr. Krabs…
Mr. Fancyson: And STOP! Okay, that’s exactly five minutes. Mr. Trump is disqualified, so both you two make it to the finals.
[Mr. Lobster and Mr. Trump walk back to the stadium, exhausted]
Mr. Trump: That was exhausting.
Mr. Lobster: I know right? IT WAS EXHILARATING! Too bad none of you got to see it!
Mr. Fancyson: Yeah, we know. Too bad Mr. Trump is disqualified for not wanting to show it to a captive audience!
Mr. Trump: Hey! There’s a lot of things I don’t want to show to a captive audience! My sexuality is one of them.
Mr. Fancyson: Good point. Anyway, we’re moving onto the finals now. Who will it be? Mr. Renaud?
[The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Fancyson: Or Mr. Sullivan himself?
[The crowd boos.]
Mr. Fancyson: Damn, Renaud is even more popular than I thought. I might need to get some more pointers from the guy.
Mr. Renaud: My only advice is that YouTube is for amateurs, and Vimeo is for professionals! Oh, and don’t give your home address to sexy underagers online.
Mr. Fancyson: Very interesting. The final round will consist of… an eating contest!
Mr. Renaud: EATING? I thought we were in a degeneracy contest, not an eating contest!
Mr. Fancyson: Your objective is to suck your own glizzy!
Mr. Renaud: Come at it again?
[Mr. Sullivan is already doing as Mr. Fancyson said.]
Mr. Sullivan: Done!
Mr. Fancyson: And the number one degenerate is… MR. SULLIVAN!
[The crowd sits in silence.]
Mr. Sullivan: HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER! I’m the biggest glizzy gladiator in Bikini Bottom, no one beats me at my own game.
Mr. Renaud: Oh come on, how was I supposed to know what glizzy means?!
Mr. Sullivan: I thought you liked kids. You gotta keep up with their slang too.
Mr. Fancyson: Indeed. And that concludes the degeneracy contest! I hope you all enjoyed it, because I have no idea if I'll be able to ever do it again.
Mr. Sullivan: So, do I win anything?
Mr. Fancyson: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Mr. Sullivan: Damn… well, I guess I’d fuck Lola for free anyday.
[The audience starts leaving. The only people left are Mr. Trump and Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Trump: Wait a minute, Mr. Pepperchicken is not in the contest! Why are you here?
Mr. Pepperchicken: To do this!
[Mr. Pepperchicken uppercuts Trump and knocks him out.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: NO ONE IS GAY ON MY WATCH!
[The episode ends as it fades to black.]