Oh shit, Zombies!

WARNING The following page is CANCER. In order to enjoy this, you must drink 75% alchoholic Red Mist (please drink responsibly) as well as smoke ten kilograms of seaweed. Issued by the SBFW Health and Stupidness Department. Read at your own risk.

Unrated This article is currently unrated.

Oh shit, Zombies! was the tentative title of a scrapped episode of Pampers: The Series originally written by Locknloaded23 in 2018, but released on August 24, 2020 for archival reasons. It was never finished.

Transcript

(Episode begins with a sPo0kY version of the Pampers theme song)

(Cuts to a shot of the city in the daytime)

Narrator: Twas Halloween night when the darkness fell… um, just a sec. (the city suddenly turns to night while a snapping sound plays) That's better.

(Cuts to Pampers and Spongecicle walking around town. Pampers is dressed as a diaper and Spongecicle is dressed as a devil.)

Pampers: Spongecicle, did it suddenly just get dark?

Narrator: (furious) Shut up! (normal voice) Anyway, the town was infected with an incurable disease, called rap.

Pampers: Was it?

Narrator: Just go with it!

Pampers: Fine.

Spongecicle: I can’t wait to go trick-or-treating!

Pampers: Why are two grown-ass men going trick-or-treating?

Narrator: FOR CRYING OUT-

(briefly cuts to the tv colour bar error screen and then cuts back)

Spongecicle: I can’t wait to go trick-or-treating!

Pampers: Me neither! Hey, let's go to Not Squidward’s house!

Spongecicle: Why not?

(Cuts to them going to the front door of NS’ house)

Pampers: (knocking on door) FBI, OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!!

(short silence)

Not Squidward: (from the inside) Leave me alone you pieces of human feces!

SpongeCicle: Rude...

Pampers: Aww…

(They both walk off. Cut to a shot of them walking)

Pampers: We could always try the Krusty Krack! And uh-wait, what's a human?

Mr crack: (offscreen) Come one, come all…

SpongeCicle: Ooh! We're one and we're all!

(Cuts to them walking towards the KK. Crack is dressed like Plankles)

Mr Crack: Oh hey, me boy!

Spongscicle: Hi Mr. Crack!

Mr. Crack: Please, not in front of the children!

Child Wearing a “Smoke Weed Everyday” Cap: Can we go to the Krusty Krack please, mommy?

Child’s Mom: Sure!

Child Wearing a “Smoke Weed Everyday” Cap: YAY! (the two walk in)

Mr Crack: Anyway-

Matchy: (jumps out behind a bush) THIS SHOW IS DEAD!

Mr. Crack: STOP FAPPING IN CLASS, MATCHY!

Matchy: I hate you guys! (runs off, crying)

Mr. Crack: As I was saying, what are you two doing here?

Pampers: Oh, we’re just two sad grown-ass men trick-or-treating, as grown-ass men do.

Mr. Crack: Oh, of course, I totally understand. I s’pose ye would wanna take some candy out of me bucket! (magically pulls out a plastic bucket filled with “candy” probably from a dollar store from behind his back)

SpongeCicle: Um… aren’t those illegal drugs you’ve got in there?

Mr. Crack: Nope.

(awkward silence)

Pampers: We’ll take a couple.

(they take a couple “bars of candy” each from the bucket - Plankles walks by dressed as Mr. Crack)

SpongeCicle: Oh, hey Plankles!

Plankles: Look, I was gonna go easy on you and not to hurt your feelings.

Pampers: Huh?

Plankles: But I'm only going to get this one chance.

Mr. Crack: Are you okay?

Plankles: Something's wrong, I can feel it.

(Pampers, SpongeCicle and Mr. Crack all look at eachother, and then they look at the drugs)

Mr. Crack: He’s on to us.

Plankles: Just a feeling I've got, like something's about to happen, but I don't know what.

SpongeCicle: Should I call the police?

Plankles: If that means, what I think it means, we're in trouble, big trouble, and if he is as bananas as you say, I'm not taking any chances.

Mr. Crack: (he drops the bucket) IT WASN’T MY IDEA, I SWEAR!

Plankles: You were just what the doctor ordered.

Mr. Crack: (scared for his life) Please, have merc- (Plankles bites Mr. Crack) I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God.

Plankles: All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod.

Mr. Crack and Plankles: Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box? They said I rap like a robot, so call me Rapbot.

(the two approach Pampers and SpongeCicle, who immediately leg it into the Krusty Krack and barricade the doors - The Flying Pringle turns towards them, dressed as Donald Trump)

The Flying Pringle: What the fluff do you think you two are doing?

Pampers: THEY’RE ON TO US!

SpongeCicle: MR. CRACK GAVE US DRUGS AND PLANKLES CAME ALONG AND HE KNOWS!

Pampers: IT’S REALLY, REALLY BAD AND I THINK WE’RE GONNA GO TO JAIL!

(Mr. Crack and Plankles burst through the doors rapidly rapping Eminem’s Rap God)

The Flying Pringle: I don’t think they’re gonna sell you out.

Pampers: What do you mean?

The Flying Pringle (screaming) THEY’RE FLUFFING ZOMBIES!!!

Donald Duck: No shit, Sherlock. We need to get out of here pronto, Casper!

The Flying Pringle: Pardon?

Donald Duck: JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY INFECT YOU!

The Flying Pringle: (chuckles) I’m a ghost! Nothing can infect me! (Mr. Crack bites him, The Flying Pringle screams)

Pampers: ...and that’s how we lost The Flying Pringle.

SpongeCicle: Yeah…

(the customers get increasingly more infected every second, as Pampers approaches the window, carrying SpongeCicle like a giant mallet. Pampers uses SpongeCicle to smash the window open, and they flee)

SpongeCicle: Where are we going?

Pampers: (increasingly getting more and more out of breath as they run off) I… don’t… know…

SpongeCicle: Well, you better think of something quick, genius! Mr. Crack, Plankles, The Flying Pringle and basically everyone else inside The Krusty Krack are infectious zombies!

Pampers: Could… be… worse…

SpongeCicle: What do you mean “it could be worse”, you motherfluffer!

Pampers: Every… one… else… in town… could… be… zombies too!

(the two suddenly pause and realise that the zombies from the Krusty Krack are approaching them from behind, and another group of zombies are approaching them from the front)

SpongeCicle: Shit!

Pampers: Well buddy, I guess this is the end.

SpongeCicle: I guess so…

Pampers: See ya! (flys off)

SpongeCicle: (furious) PAMPERS!!!

(Pampers lands back at his house and he briefly goes in and walks out with a suitcase of belongings, he is followed by his pet snail Curry)

Pampers: Hopefully I can sell you off somewhere and live a life of luxury in my next new life. Think I might paint myself green this time…

Curry: Curry.

Not Squidward: (spying on Pampers from his window) What does that retarded imbecile think he’s doing? Eh, I couldn’t really care, anyway. Time to switch on some late-evening radio. (he turns his radio on and a rap station accidentally comes on) What the fuck? Someone’s been tampering with my radio! What number is my usual agai- (he becomes infected from the rap song and turns into a zombie) Ugh… (he walks out of his house and approaches Pampers)

Pampers: Hey, Not Squidward! Fancy seeing you here! Nice weather we’re having, hmm? You okay?

(pause)

Pampers: Not wanting to talk today? I understand, sometimes I can be too smart for people to handle. (realises that Not Squidward is a zombie) Uh-oh. (he picks up Curry and runs off in fear, we cut to him running through the town, until he notices a door open. He runs through the door, which is then barricaded shut by a mysterious girl) Woah, where am I?

???: You’re in an apocalyptic bunker, you idiot! This is where you’re probably gonna spend the rest of your worthless life!

Pampers: (chuckles) No, you see, I don’t think you understand. I’m gonna get as far away from here as possible, sell my pet snail, settle down somewhere nice under a new name, and spend the rest of my life there, okay?

???: At this rate, there won’t be anyway nice to settle down as those zombies are spreading as fast as Travis Penniall goes through his girlfriends!

SpongeCicle: And boyfriends!

???: Thank you, SpongeCicle, but that’s not the point.

Pampers: (shocked) SpongeCicle? You’re here too?

SpongeCicle: Yes, Pampers. And after what happened earlier, I don’t want anything to do with you.

Pampers: Look, it’s every man for him-

SpongeCicle: Please, it doesn’t matter. And also, please don’t listen this weirdo chick next to me. We know why these zombies are here, and we’re gonna have to do something about them.

Pampers: Well, the narrator did tell us at the start of the episode so you don’t have to sound so smart.