| Pulling Out | |
|---|---|
| |
| Series | No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom |
| Season | 5 |
| Episode | 14 |
| Airdate | September 11, 2021 |
| Production company | Kingshire Entertainment Pineapple Entertainment |
| Written by | Squidnerd |
| Directed by | Squidnerd The Terrible Travis |
| Title card by | FireMatch |
| Previous Episode | "No Perversion." |
| Next Episode | "The Really Big War Crimes Trial" |
Pulling Out is the fourteenth episode of season five, and the fifty-sixth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 11, 2021.
Plot[]
After hearing about the "productivity" of the Taliban, Mr. Banana tries to pressure Biden into ending the War in Afghanistan.
Transcript[]
[The episode opens at Mr. Banana’s House.]
Mr. Banana: [wakes up] Ah, that concludes a productive one hour of sleep! I feel as good as new! [goes to a mirror and looks at himself, where a horrifying image of a severely rotten banana is seen] Yep. Now it’s time to go to work for our glorious administration, leading a glorious country! I LOVE BIKINI BOTTOM!
[Mr. Banana walks out the front door, to see a music festival directly across the street. The sounds of music go to his ear, causing him to throw up. Suddenly, Mr. Tentacles is seen.]
Mr. Tentacles: Hey, Mr. Banana! Come on over!
Mr. Banana: WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY?!
Mr. Tentacles: The 2021 Bikini Bottom Music Festival! Feast your ears, because literally every type of music is here! Country, rap, classical, disco, you name it!
Mr. Banana: Oh dear…
Mr. Tentacles: It’s just a representation of the many different types of fish who live in Bikini Bottom. We’re diverse, and we’re accepting, isn’t that right?
Mr. Banana: Nope. I better get out of here, before I—[throws up again]
[Mr. Banana crawls out of the festival, and walks to work. He takes out and turns on a portable radio.]
Mr. Banana: I better not hear that poison again—
[Country music is playing on the radio.]
Mr. Banana: OH DEAR [changes the station]
[Rap music is playing on the radio.]
Mr. Banana: WHAT HAS THIS COUNTRY COME TO, WHERE THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE IS EVERYWHERE! Keep it together, Mr. Banana, we’re the best country on the planet. I’m sure other places have it much worse than us. [changes the station again]
[Bikini Bottom News is playing on the radio.]
Mr. Perkins: [on the radio] This just in, the Taliban are now in control of most of Afghanistan. In areas under their rule, they are reportedly enforcing policies such as a total ban on music and abortion.
[Mr. Banana freezes.]
Mr. Banana: WHAT
Mr. Perkins: As many people are concerned about the bans, we’re bringing in a Taliban spokesman to speak on the matter—
Mr. Banana: These people KNOW productivity! I wonder what words of wisdom shall come out of his mouth!
Taliban Spokesman: You know, music is a symbol of human progression since the first millennium, when music obviously didn’t exist. We want to go back and return to that time.
Mr. Banana: I wish us Bikini Bottomites had this extremely productive mindset!
Mr. Perkins: Bikini Bottom troops, as well as the Afghan Armed Forces, are defending the capital of Kabul, the only major city not under Taliban control, but many military experts warn that Kabul too may fall if President Biden goes through with his pledge to withdraw our military from the country.
Mr. Banana: I cannot believe that our troops are preventing Afghanistan’s liberation from the scourge of music! Joe must withdraw them at once!
[Mr. Banana runs to the Oval Office and opens the door, to see Mr. Biden speaking with Mr. Obama and Mr. G.]
Mr. Biden: Well, someone’s late for work, and it isn’t me this time!
Mr. Banana: Ah, the Secretaries of State and Defense are here as well! Perfect. Folks, I have a proposition!
Mr. G: Wanna start another war? Great! Name the country!
Mr. Banana: Well, actually, I want to end a war.
[The room becomes silent for a few seconds, before Mr. Biden, Mr. Obama, and Mr. G erupt in laughter.]
Mr. Biden: Late for work, making jokes—what’s with you, Jack?
Mr. Banana: I never joke. I want you to follow through on your pledge to withdraw all troops in Afghanistan!
Mr. Obama: [chuckles] Uh, Mr. Banana, let me be clear. That pledge doesn’t mean shit. It’s just what me, Trump, and Biden had to do in order to get elected!
Mr. Banana: I know, but I want Biden to act on it! We need to get out!
Mr. G: What? Why? Are you telling me that you hate us bombing the place all the time? Unbelievable!
Mr. Banana: No, it’s because our troops are the main obstacle in the Taliban’s quest to liberate Afghanistan.
Mr. G: From our drone strikes?
Mr. Banana: No, music. Once we’re out of the way, and the Afghan forces inevitably collapse, the Taliban shall impose a total ban on that enemy of the people throughout Afghanistan. It will become a paradise on earth! A paradise of productivity!
Mr. G: The only “paradise” Afghanistan ought to be is a paradise of bombs! Now shut the fuck up, you’re pissing me off now.
Mr. Banana: You know what, I don’t care what you think. I only need to speak to the commander-in-chief here! Get out!
Mr. G: You can’t tell me to get out!
Mr. Banana: Yes I can!
Mr. Obama: No you can’t!
Mr. Biden: Yes he can!
Mr. G: Joe, you’re really sticking with this anti-war liberal?!
Mr. Biden: Jack, he controls me, so he controls you. Please leave us.
Mr. Obama: Damn fool.
[Mr. G and Mr. Obama leave.]
Mr. Banana: Alright, Joe, so how soon should our troops be back home?
Mr. Biden: Look, I don’t wanna sound like a weasel, but can’t we stay just there for a little while longer?
Mr. Banana: Absolutely not. Afghanistan is *this* close from achieving productivity, and it is gross for us to stop it, even for a little while.
Mr. Biden: But...but...what about all the war crimes we’ve committed there?! So many good memories! Jack, we can’t give it all up!
Mr. Banana: We can simply commit more war crimes in Yemen, Syria, and Leader Plankton’s Bikini Bottom to make it up!
Mr. Biden: Oh yeah, Leader Plankton. Isn’t he still here? Where is he?
Mr. Banana: Don’t worry, he’s taken care of.
[Cut to the Pentagon, where a long line of human rights abusers are waiting outside a door that reads “MILITARY AID FOR BIKINI BOTTOM-BACKED AUTHORITARIAN REGIMES”.]
Leader Plankton: This is so frustrating! My phone doesn’t even work in this universe! I have no idea what’s going on in my Bikini Bottom! Perhaps I should leave—
[Suddenly, Sir Sandy and a group of Secret Service Agents march past him.]
Leader Plankton: SWEET FUCKING JESUS IS THAT SIR SANDY?! [slaps himself] No, you idiot, those two sailors ate her, I know it! BUT WHO WERE ALL THOSE MARCHING FISH?! ARE THEY NEW RECRUITS FOR THE RESISTANCE?! [slaps himself again] I have to get this military aid, even if I have to wait an eternity! Thoughts of the resistance are making me so anxious, and using the aid to defeat them are the only thing that can reassure me.
[Cut back to Mr. Biden’s bedroom.]
Mr. Banana: Anyways, THINK, Joe! If you make the right choice, you would create a victory for productivity.
Mr. Biden: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...sorry, Jack, can’t do it. The more countries we bomb, the better, and copping out on one would be a disgrace.
Mr. Banana: [takes a deep breath] I see. I guess I’ll have to resort to extreme measures, and then you’ll change your mind.
Mr. Biden: What do you mean by “extreme measures”?
Mr. Banana: [smirks] You’ll see.
[Cut to the Mr. Biden’s bedroom. Mr. Banana opens the door and lets Mr. Pineapple in.]
Mr. Pineapple: So, why did you ask me to come here? Where are we?
Mr. Banana: Mr. Biden’s bedroom.
Mr. Pineapple: Wait a minute...are you trying to get me fucked by Joe?! I better get out of here!
Mr. Banana: WAIT! That’s the opposite of why I brought you here! You’re never gonna fuck him!
Mr. Pineapple: Alright, so why the hell am I in his bedroom?! [sniffs] God, his cum smell is insane!
Mr. Banana: Good thing I don’t have a nose. Anyways, I’m trying to pressure Joe into withdrawing our troops from Afghanistan.
Mr. Pineapple: Really? Never thought I’d hear such words from such a central member of the imperial core!
Mr. Banana: Yep, I’m not normally for withdrawing our troops, but what we’re dealing with here is a movement of national liberation. If the Taliban take over Afghanistan, productivity shall reign supreme.
Mr. Pineapple: Indeed. The Taliban is, in spirit, a communist movement. So what do you what me to do, exactly?
[Mr. Banana takes out a cage.]
Mr. Banana: Please, go inside.
[Mr. Pineapple enters the cage, and Mr. Banana locks the cage door with a key.]
Mr. Banana: [holds the key in front of Mr. Pineapple] If Joe keeps our troops in, you’ll be imprisoned here and Joe will never get to touch you again. If Joe gets our troops out, I will give him this key, and he can do whatever he wants with you.
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT
Mr. Banana: I’m gonna get him now. See ya in five minutes. [leaves]
Mr. Pineapple: Welp, I suppose sacrifices do have to be made in order to see communism reign…
[Five minutes later. Mr. Banana opens the door, and Mr. Biden comes in, with his eyes closed.]
Mr. Biden: What’s the surprise, Jack? Please tell me it’s Ms. Pineapple!
Mr. Banana: It is.
[Mr. Biden opens his eyes, to see Mr. Pineapple in the cage.]
Mr. Biden: VIVA LAS VEGAS! [charges towards Mr. Pineapple, only to hit the cage’s steel bars] Ow!
Mr. Banana: You’re gonna need a key to open that. I’ll give you it, IF you unconditionally withdraw all Bikini Bottom troops from Afghanistan. If you don’t, then Mr. Pineapple will remain in this cage forever, permanently out of your reach.
Mr. Biden: JACK!
Mr. Banana: I’m waiting for a response. [takes out the key and rubs it aggressively] This could be your dick, if you say yes to the withdrawl.
Mr. Biden: OKAY FINE! YES! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ALL BIKINI BOTTOM TROOPS SHALL LEAVE AFGHANISTAN! NOW GIVE ME THE DAMN KEY!
Mr. Banana: Splendid!
[Mr. Banana gives the key to Mr. Biden, who quickly opens the cage door, but Mr. Pineapple flees the scene even more quickly.]
Mr. Biden: Damnit.
[Cut to a Bikini Bottom Army camp in Kabul, Afghanistan.]
Bikini Bottom General: Attention troops, we must leave at once! Cut the power!
[After the power is cut, the troops hop on board a plane.]
Bikini Bottom Soldier: Wait, shouldn’t we notify the Afghan general who’s gonna run the camp now that we suddenly left?
Bikini Bottom General: Nah.
[The plane flies away. A few hours later, Afghan troops arrive.]
Afghan Soldier: Huh? What happened here? This place is deserted!
Afghan General: Haven’t you heard? All Bikini Bottom troops are getting out. We’re the only ones left to defend this place against the Taliban!
Afghan Soldier: I see. Well, we’re not scared. The Taliban is a fascist organization condemned throughout the world. Our battle shall be legendary.
[Suddenly, a pickup truck carrying Taliban fighters arrive.]
Afghan Soldier & Afghan General: We surrender!
[Cut to BBTV news.]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, the Taliban have taken over Kabul, and are now in charge of all of Afghanistan.
[Cut to Mr. Banana’s House.]
Mr. Banana: Productive people everywhere shall remember this day.
Mr. Perkins: [on the TV] Due to the take over, hundreds of thousands of Afghans are fleeing the country. International human rights organizations are calling on President Biden to resettle them into Bikini Bottom.
Mr. Banana: WHAT
Mr. Perkins: The videos coming from of Kabul airport, the only non-Taliban-controlled way out of the country, are horrifying. People have jumped onto moving planes in order to escape, but they only fell to their deaths.
Mr. Banana: Now why would anyone flee such a productive country?! This has to be some propaganda…
Mr. Pineapple: That’s what I’ve been saying all this time, yet you imperialists haven’t listened!
Mr. Banana: HEY! Who let you in here?!
Mr. Pineapple: I got in here the same way I got out of your cage.
Mr. Banana: Well...what do you want?
Mr. Pineapple: I want to form an alliance, Banana, against these Afghan agitators. In my view, they have been paid by the human rights charlatans to come into our fatherland and subvert our ways.
Mr. Banana: Never thought I’d hear such fine words from a socialist.
Mr. Pineapple: A national socialist, to be precise.
Mr. Lobster: Count me in as well! These “refugees” are probably vaccinated and want to spread their needles of death here!
Mr. Banana: ONWARD WITH PRODUCTIVITY! MARCH TO THE WHITE HOUSE!
[Cut to the Oval Office, where Mr. Biden is meeting with Mr. Tentacles.]
Mr. Tentacles: Mr. Biden, I still hate you with a passion, but I have to say, thanks for getting us out of all this bloodshed. However, the people of Afghanistan are still suffering. They need our help. That is why I am asking you to lift visa restrictions on the refugees.
Mr. Biden: That isn’t necessary. We already have special visas for our allies.
Mr. Tentacles: Yes, but even before the Trump administration, they have been difficult to obtain, and during and since then, have stalled almost completely. The backlog is severe.
Mr. Biden: Okay, but—
Mr. Tentacles: Considering we helped destabilize the country since the 1980s, ditching our already required humanitarian obligations is quite a disgraceful move.
[Suddenly, Mr. Lobster kicks down the doors, and he, Mr. Pineapple, and Mr. Banana rush up to Biden.]
Mr. Lobster: DON’T LET THE AFGHANS IN! DON’T LET THE VACCINES IN! OH PLEASE DON’T, MR. ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENT!
Mr. Banana: What my lobster friend—I mean, associate—is trying to say is, these “refugees” are just some lazy bastards fleeing the most productive land to ever exist!
Mr. Pineapple: They’re lazy, inferior, and completely unworthy of the socialist model. So, what do you say?
Mr. Biden: Uhhh—
Mr. Pineapple: I’ll fuck you.
Mr. Biden: [turns to Mr. Tentacles] Look, Jack, I’d love to help them...but what would Stormfront say?
Mr. Tentacles: STORMFRONT?! You fucking fascist scumbag!
Mr. Biden: [irritated] JACK! Now my eardrums hurt from your senseless yelling! Get out! God, these leftists...
Mr. Pineapple: I know, right?!
[Mr. Tentacles walks out.]
Mr. Biden: [turns to Mr. Pineapple] Ah, at long last...
Mr. Pineapple: Nope. [walks out]
[The episode ends.]