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D rating
Rated D - Ages 15 and up

This article is rated D, meaning it contains content that may be inappropriate for users under the age of 15.
Objectionable content includes: Frequent strong coarse language

This episode is the Transcript to the episode Sailor Mouth (Uncut), which is for the MTV show, AdultBob MaturePants.

  • [The title card has men singing part of song, "Sailing Over the Dogger Bank"] ♪Watcha twigger she's a proper jubby-jewel... On a passage from the Dogger Bank to Great Grimsby!♪ [then we see the Krusty Krab in night]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, it's the worst time of the day once again. [cringes as he changes the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Closing time!
  • SpongeBob: Well, see you in the A.M., Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! [pulls SpongeBob back] Take that pile of filth out with you. [Squidward holds up a trash bag]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs, you shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!
  • Squidward: He means this filth, you loon. [He drops the bag on the floor]
  • [SpongeBob goes to the dumpster while bringing the trash bag]
  • SpongeBob: [singing] Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash.
  • [SpongeBob throws the trash in the dumpster and then looks at some writings on the dumpster]
  • SpongeBob: Hmm...dumpster writing! The voice of the people! "Up with bubbles, down with air!" [laughs] "Nematodes are people too!" [laughs] Ha, those Nematodes... Here's one someone didn't finish! Squidward smells. [writes the word "good" after "smells"] Gooooood. [laughs] Hmm, what's this one? Krabs is a... hmm? Krabs is a fucker.
  • Garbage Man: [Clearly disgusted] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
  • SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not...recently.
  • Patrick: Hi, garbage man. Hi, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! Hey, Patrick, do you know what this word means?
  • Patrick: "Krabs..." Uh, isn't that the red sweaty guy you work for?
  • SpongeBob: [pointing to "Krabs," then the unseen word as they are said] Nah-uh, not that word, THAT word.
  • Patrick: Hmm... fucker! Oh, hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.
  • SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?
  • Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it over anything you say, and Wham-o! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Let me try. [coughs] Hello, Patrick. Lovely fucking day we're having, isn't it?
  • Patrick: Why, yes it is, SpongeBob. This fucking day is particularly fucking lovely!
  • SpongeBob: How fucking right you are, Patrick!
  • [The two say the word a couple of times]
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, You're right, Patrick, my lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.
  • Patrick: Oh, mine too!
  • [both laugh]
  • SpongeBob: It tingles when I laugh!
  • [SpongeBob walks into the Krusty Krab the next day]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, customers, nice fucking day we're having, uh? [The customers stop eating and stare in shock]
  • Harold: [gasps] Did he just say?!
  • Pirate Fish: Aye, he did.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, how the fuck are ya?
  • Patrick: [sitting at table at the Krusty Krab] Pretty fucking good, SpongeBob.
  • Old Man Jenkins: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter mouth convention.
  • SpongeBob: [taps on the microphone and speaks into it] Attention, customers, today's special is a fucking Krabby Patty served in a greasy fucking sauce and grilled to fucking perfection. [a mother octopus covers her laughing children's ears and puts soda on one since she doesn't have enough hands] And don't forget to ask us to fuck the fucking fries. It will be our fucking pleasure. [Squidward hears the intercom and a giant human ear pops out of his head; he pushes it back in] Hi Squidward, how the fuck are ya?
  • Patrick: Nice fucking day, isn't it Squidward?
  • Tom: I don't understand. That guy's talented, he doesn't have to work blue.
  • Evelyn: Let's go somewhere more family oriented. [Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab, grumbling in frustration]
  • Female Fish: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] I'm never eating here again.
  • Male Fish: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] Those foul-mouth bottom feeders.
  • [The Krusty Krab customer meter is running down. Sirens wail and a red light flashes]
  • Mr. Krabs: [in the bathroom, hears the sirens] Huh? AH! The Krusty Krab, she's empty! [runs to dining room] All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me money paying customers gone?
  • Squidward: Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it? What'd he say?
  • Squidward: Er...he, well he said...
  • [Squidward whispers]
  • Mr. Krabs: Huh? [Squidward whispers it again. Mr. Krabs gasps] SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!
  • SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.
  • Patrick: Yeah, it's fancy talk.
  • Mr. Krabs: There ain't nothing fancy about that word!
  • SpongeBob: You mean fuck?
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a swear word!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Swear?! [both start wiping their tongues]
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes sirree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
  • Squidward: Don't you mean there are only 7?
  • Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor! [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Wow, 13!
  • Patrick: That's a lot of fucking swears!
  • Mr. Krabs: OK, boys. I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise.
  • [later at SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are playing Eels and Escalators]
  • SpongeBob: Gee, I'm glad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a swear word!
  • Patrick: Yeah, me too, because classy sophisticates like us shouldn't stain our lips with cursing.
  • SpongeBob: Yea, verily! Now, let's play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators.
  • Patrick: Oh, boy, my favorite! [Flops arms up and down like a seal]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes! [rolls the dice]
  • Patrick: Oh, eels. Too bad, SpongeBob, you gotta ride the eel.
  • SpongeBob: Darn. [moves game piece to eel]
  • Patrick: My turn! [rolls dice] Hooray! escalators! Yay! [screams] Up,up,up!
  • SpongeBob: Come on, escalators, escalators, escalators! [rolls dice] [sighs] Eels again.
  • Patrick: My turn! [rolls dice] Escalators!
  • SpongeBob: Escalators, Escalators, Escalators! [throws dice] Eels?
  • Patrick: [rolls dice] Es-skee-lators!! [moves to escalators] Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob, or if you get eels again, you lose!
  • SpongeBob: [gets frustrated while rolling the dice] Escalators, Escalators, Escalators!! [dice is thrown and lands on escalators] Ha! Escalators! [dice turn over to eels]
  • Patrick: Eels...
  • SpongeBob: AAAH, FUCK IT!!! [covers his mouth when he realizes his mistake]
  • Patrick: Ooooh...! You said number 11!
  • SpongeBob: [babbles for Patrick to understand] I didn't mean... you gotta understand, Patrick, I was trying...what I meant to say was...some things just slip out. You gotta understand!
  • Patrick: Don't worry SpongeBob, I understand. [pause] Mr. Krabs! [runs out the door] Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [starts running to the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: [starts running after him] No wait, Patrick! [after SpongeBob catches up to Patrick] Patrick, no, please don't tell!
  • Patrick: But, you said "fuck"! [Covers his mouth as he realizes his mistake]
  • SpongeBob: Aha! Now I'm gonna tell Mr. Krabs on you!
  • Patrick: Not if I tell first!
  • SpongeBob: I can run faster than you! [laughs]
  • Patrick: [riding in an ice cream truck] See ya at the Krusty Krab! Ha, ha, ha! [the truck goes the wrong way] Oh nooooo!
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?
  • SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said!
  • Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!
  • SpongeBob: [talking fast] Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators, and Patrick was going up-up-up, and I had to ride the eel and then we ran and Patrick, he said some THINGS.
  • Mr.Krabs: [eyes SpongeBob] What kind of things?
  • SpongeBob: Well, he said...
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes?!
  • SpongeBob: Well, uh, let's just say he said a certain word that you said we shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in the 13 words you said shouldn't be said.
  • Mr. Krabs: Uh... right, now what was that part about the, um... Who now?
  • Patrick: [walks in door of the Krusty Krab and eats an ice cream cone but throws away the cone] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs sighs]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: He said that word that you said we shouldn't say...!
  • SpongeBob: ...number thirteen...
  • [They babble on about the word, as Mr. Krabs stares on disapprovingly, until the two are just pointing at each other and yelling, "Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!" Mr. Krabs eventually grabs their lips to quiet them.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Mmm-mmm...!
  • Mr. Krabs: Now I'm gonna let go of yer lips, and when I do, I want you to calmly tell me what youse need to tell me, understand?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Mmm-hmm... [Mr. Krabs lets go of their lips, which initally deflate, then reinflate; they both point at each other again] He said "fuck!"!
  • Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Do my ears deceive me?! You two should be ashamed! Time to take out the trash. [picks SpongeBob and Patrick up by their pants and carries them outside the Krusty Krab] You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never, and I mean, never use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words! Now the both of youse wait right here. I'll be back. [walks back in Krusty Krab]
  • Patrick: What's going to happen to us?
  • SpongeBob: We'll probably get 40 lashes!
  • Patrick: Oh, no! [imagines himself with 40 large, weird eyelashes]
  • SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs was right. There's no need for words like that.
  • Patrick: I'm sorry too, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Let's make a vow, Patrick. From this day forth a foul word shall never pass our lips! We'll be good citizens, just like good ol' Mr.Krabs.
  • Patrick: [shakes hands with SpongeBob] Agreed!
  • Mr. Krabs: All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for fouling the air in me restaurant with yer foul words, you're going to give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to bottom. [stubs his foot on a rock then hops on one leg] OW, OOH! OW! MY FUCKING FOOT! WHAT FUCKING GENIUS PUT A FUCKING ROCK IN A FUCKING PATH?! CAN'T YOU SEE I GOT A PISSED FOOT HERE?! OH GOD-DAMN IT! OH COCK AND BALLS!!! [At this moment, SpongeBob and Patrick count the swears]
  • SpongeBob: Five, six, seven...
  • Mr. Krabs: ...faggot and a whole lotta shit and with a side of fuck, and a heapin' helpin' of hell and a boatload of bitch...
  • Patrick: Nine...
  • Mr. Krabs: God-damn balls! Krabbin' jackass! [cries in pain]
  • SpongeBob: [cuts to SpongeBob with 13 fingers] That's all 13, Patrick!! [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [worried] No, please, not me mommy! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh as they run to Mama Krabs' house, Mr. Krabs runs after them] Wait, please don't tell me mother! I don't think her little old heart can take it!
  • [They go to the house]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [repeatedly banging on the door] Mama Krabs, Mama Krabs!
  • Mama Krabs: Why, hello there!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Mama Krabs, he said "fuck" and then he said "fuck" and then HE said "fuck" again and then he said "god-damn" and then he screamed at the top of his voice "bitch!" And he pissed off, Mrs. Krabs! It was horrible! He didn't care! Such a scream of balls faggoting hell of a bitch I've heard in my days!
  • Mama Krabs: [shocked] Oh, dear! My poor old heart. [faints]
  • Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Oh, dear Mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? [takes a coin out of her pocket] You two should be ashamed! Making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!
  • Mama Krabs: [wakes up] You should all be ashamed! And if you're gonna talk like sailors, then you're gonna work like sailors!
  • [Then the three are painting her house, Patrick is painting the sand]
  • Mama Krabs: I guess you three scallywags have earned a glass of lemonade! Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga! [laughs like Popeye, then stubs her foot on a rock] YEEEOWW!! MY [classic horn honks] FOOT!
  • [SpongeBob & Patrick gasp in shock]
  • Mr. Krabs: [shocked] Mother!
  • Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins and his jalopy.
  • Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K! [honks the horn]
  • SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Mama Krabs: [all laugh together]
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