| The Homosexual Question | |
|---|---|
| |
| Series | No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom |
| Season | 2 |
| Episode | 7 |
| Airdate | September 7, 2020 |
| Production company | Banana Studios Kingshire Entertainment Pineapple Entertainment |
| Written by | Squidnerd The Terrible Travis DanzxvFan8275 |
| Directed by | Squidnerd The Terrible Travis |
| Creative director(s) | Cicicicity |
| Title card by | FireMatch |
| Previous Episode | "PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!" |
| Next Episode | "The Road to Victory" |
The Homosexual Question is the seventh episode of season two, and the thirteenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 7, 2020.
Plot
Incumbent President Donald Trump spars with his primary challenger Timothy Pepperchicken in the Republican debate.
Transcript
[The episode opens at the Oval Office.]
Mr. Donald Trump: Ah, finally, the PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT, the WITCH HUNT, and most disgracefully, OBAMAGATE, is over!
[The phone rings.]
Mr. Trump: Hello?
Mr. Vladimir Putin: Greetings, Donald.
Mr. Trump: Greetings, Vlad, I’m glad to tell you I survived impeachment. Now, should we discuss how the election should be hacked?
Mr. Putin: Yes, the election will be hacked—
Mr. Trump: Wonderful!
Mr. Putin: —just not in favor of you…
Mr. Trump: WHAT?!
Mr. Putin: You’ve cheated us, Donald. With your unconditional aid to Israel, you know we don’t like those disgusting rats!
Mr. Trump: I mean, sure, they’re committing genocide, but our relationship is quite historic—
Mr. Putin: Genocide? Who cares about that? Look at their LGBT rights record, it is a disgrace.
Mr. Trump: I don’t think they execute gay people…
Mr. Putin: Exactly. It is a disgrace. And you’ve appointed countless Justices who are not firmly against the homosexual militant agenda. We’re through!
Mr. Trump: You’re the one that’s gonna lose. The Democratic frontrunner is a socialist Jew, so who else are you gonna support? Karen Plankton?
Mr. Putin: No, I recruited my associate, Timothy Pepperchicken, to challenge you for the Republican nomination. He’ll deal with that socialist Jew in the general. And as we speak, Tim is surging in the polls, so you’re going to deal with a primary debate next week. Farewell, Donald.
Mr. Trump: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
[Mr. Putin hangs up the phone.]
Mr. Trump: I must say, I have been treated very unfairly! Probably worse than Lincoln!
[One week later, the primary debate airs on BBTV.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Today we have the very first Republican debate! Usually, an incumbent doesn’t have to face primary debates, but a challenge has been mounted in the wake of the impeachment. The challenger is Timothy Pepperchicken, who will no longer be moderating alongside me.
Mr. Pepperchicken: And I’m gonna win it too!
Mr. Trump: Pft, yeah right. I have a 90% approval rating in the Republican Party. They all love me. They all love me, especially the boaters.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Yeah, but I’ll do something that you never had the balls to do as president. Plus I have a special Russian trick up my sleeves!
Mr. Trump: Like bombing Israel?
Mr. Pepperchicken: No! Well, yes, but I meant electrocuting the gays!
Mr. Trump: Oh… but maybe I’ll do that during my second term!
Mr. Pepperchicken: If only you were impeached. Then, your buddy Pence would’ve followed through with it.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Enough talk about circumcision! It’s time to start the debate. First question. What is your position on immigration?
Mr. Trump: I think we should move to a merit-based immigration system. I want people coming in here, but they have to do it legally, like Melania did, I think.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I think we should completely close the borders, and deport all immigrants here right now, and I don’t care how they got here. No time for this “it’s okay if it’s legal” nonsense. We are being flooded with non-Russian fish. I will make an exception for Russian fish though, the doors for them should be wide open!
Mr. Chillyrooster: What’s with the bias towards Russian fish? Isn’t that, you know, blatantly racist?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I am a proud Russian fish, and I would like to make life easier for my people. What’s the big deal about racism?
Mr. Chillyrooster: You’re judging someone based on something they can’t choose, such as their ethnicity or sexuality. Also, aren’t you from Shell City?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Indeed, and we call ourselves Russian fish. And sexuality is totally a choice, that’s why there’s no such thing as a gay Russian fish!
Mr. Renaud: What is your position on pedophilia?
Mr. Chillyrooster: What the?! What are you doing here?! Mr. Renaud, you’re not a moderator!
Mr. Renaud: Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I am! Trust me, I’m the host of CPTV. I know exactly what I’m doing. Since Mr. Pepperchicken can’t moderate any longer, I thought I’d fill in for him!
Mr. Chillyrooster: You can’t do that! The whole reason he’s not moderating anymore is because he’s a candidate! You’re also a candidate! It’s a conflict of interest!
Mr. Renaud: Well, I’m not running in this primary, so I think it’s fine! Back to the debate! Mr. Trump?
Mr. Trump: Oh, I’m a big supporter of it!
Mr. Renaud: Mr. Pepperchicken?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well you know, most pedophiles are Jews. I for one think it’s quite disgraceful how they’re hoarding all the children for themselves - just like how they hoard all the wealth for themselves!
Mr. Renaud: I’ve never thought of it that way. Well, I guess I’m hoarding all the wealth then! The wealth of a nice, succulent underaged cock.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Join me, Paul, and together we shall liberate all industries from the Jews!
Mr. Chillyrooster: I’ve had enough! Security, take Mr. Renaud out of here.
[Security escorts Mr. Renaud out of the stadium.]
Mr. Trump: Don’t worry, Paul, I’ll pardon you, if you’ll give me your best material!
Mr. Pepperchicken: This is why Trump is unfit for office. Right now, there are folks locked up for committing so-called “hate crimes”, when all they did was try to save Bikini Bottom from those dirty undesirables. But Trump doesn’t care about them, he’s only interested in pardoning those who satisfy his urges! What about the urges of the pure citizens of Bikini Bottom?
Mr. Trump: Well, I mean I have pardoned one or two racists.
Mr. Pepperchicken: “One or two” is not enough! As President, I’ll pardon anyone who has violated those stupid civil rights laws, and make sure nothing of the sort will be enforced!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright, you know what, I have to pause this. Tim, this is just bizarre. Why are you talking like this? I’ve known you since we were kids, I even went to your Bar Mitzvah—
Mr. Pepperchicken: SHUT UP! I DID NOT HAVE A BAR MITZVAH!
Mr. Chillyrooster: You did, I believe I have a photo [takes out his phone]
Mr. Pepperchicken: NOOOOOOOOOO! [takes out a gun and shoots Mr. Chillyrooster’s phone]
Mr. Chillyrooster: We’ll be back in a few minutes.
[BBTV goes off air.]
[Cut to the Biden residence, where Mr. Joe Biden and Mr. Banana are watching the debate.]
Mr. Banana: Yikes, there’s a good chance Trump is gonna lose to an even bigger nutjob. He thought he got saved after the Senate trial, but I guess not…
Mr. Biden: Senate trial?
Mr. Banana: Yeah, they voted to acquit Trump.
Mr. Biden: Oh no! I can’t believe I missed it!
Mr. Banana: Sir, you’re not in the Senate right now, you left over a decade ago.
Mr. Biden: Huh? Anyways, I will be heading to Philadelphia tomorrow, to sign the declaration of...you know, the thing! Those British bastards shall be dealt with!
Mr. Banana: [growing irritated] That happened 170 years before you were born…
Mr. Biden: Listen here, Jack, don’t talk to me in that tone. When I was your age, I used to give Corn Pop a good ol’ sniffing if he was talking like that.
Mr. Banana: I don’t have an age. I am an eternally edible banana.
Mr. Biden: But—
Mr. Banana: NO DOXXING!
[BBTV is back on air. Cut to the debate.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sorry for the interruption. By now, my former friend would be escorted out by Security, but I guess not.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well maybe it wouldn’t be this way if you hadn’t threatened to show that photo to the world!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Threatened? This is ridiculous. Anyways, next question: what is your view on abortion?
Mr. Trump: I believe in life. It is very unethical to destroy a fish’s life, and the unborn are the most vulnerable. I consider this to be the one thing that a Republican must support if they were to call themselves a Republican, so there’s no need to debate this.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Actually, it depends on which fish we’re talking about. Black and brown fish, and worst of all, the Jewish fish, are a plague, and the most effective solution to that are subjecting their mothers to mandatory abortion. But for Russian fish, however, I agree with Mr. Trump, their lives are important, and their mothers should be banned from getting abortions.
Mr. Chillyrooster: It truly is a shame that this is national primetime television…
Mr. Renaud: Absolutely, what instead should be national primetime television are my videos!
Mr. Chillyrooster: WHAT?! Didn’t security get rid of you?!
Mr. Trump: Well, Chillycock, I pardoned him while we were on break, and I got some really sweet stuff in return!
Mr. Chillyrooster: For the last time, my name is not “Chillycock”!
Mr. Trump: I can call you losers whatever I want to call you. It’s called, being politically incorrect.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Didn’t you sue a comedian who made fun of you?
Mr. Trump: Well, that’s a different story. Anyways, what is the next question?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright, this is the final question. An increasing percentage of Republican voters favor same-sex marriage, in line with Bikini Bottomites as a whole. Will you protect same-sex marriage rights?
Mr. Trump: No. I selected a notorious homophobe to be my VP, and I’ve rolled back LGBTQ+ protections. So don’t believe what Pepperchicken is saying about me being soft on them, and choose me to be your nominee once again, and we can have four more years of your favorite president, me!
Mr. Pepperchicken: If I recall correctly, you placed sanctions on countries that persecuted homosexuals?
Mr. Trump: Well, that was because of pressure—
Mr. Pepperchicken: Giving into pressure, huh? You see this, Mr. Trump is a fraud who wants to continue the homosexual militant agenda. When it comes to the homosexual question, I do NOT back down.
[Cut to the Biden residence, where Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana are watching the debate.]
Mr. Biden: Pepperchicken is right, Trump is a total fraud! He obviously wants to let homosexuals take over the nation. I’m proudly against that, and that’s why I voted for DOMA!
Mr. Banana: You changed your stance?
Mr. Biden: Changed what?
Mr. Banana: You did that a few years ago. Also, you’re running for the nomination of what is considered the main left-wing party here, so why are you more conservative on the issue than Trump?
Mr. Biden: You’re not making any sense, banana. [slowly begins to stare at Mr. Banana] Huh, what is a banana doing here? I’m feeling pretty hungry right now.
[Mr. Biden grabs Mr. Banana and begins to eat him.]
Mr. Banana: NO! [sniffs] Wait! I smell strawberries here!
Mr. Biden: Yeah, I ate them earlier today.
Mr. Banana: Yay!
[Cut to the debate.]
Mr. Trump: Pepperchicken is a liar!
Mr. Pepperchicken: You lied to Putin, traitor!
Mr. Trump: I am more loyal to Putin than you are!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Then why is he backing me and not you?
Mr. Trump: It’s because I’m clearly more attractive, and he’s jealous.
Mr. Chillyrooster: None of you are supposed to be loyal to any foriegn leader!
Mr. Pepperchicken: And why not? Biden and Trump are loyal to Netanyahu, and nobody complains about it, so why can’t I be loyal to Putin?
Mr. Trump: Such an egregious display of anti-semitism, you’re just like Ilhan Omar!
Mr. Pepperchicken: No I'm not! I'm a white purebred Russian!
[Representative Ilhan Omar calls out from the audience.]
Ms. Omar: Criticism of the Israeli government is not anti-semitism. In fact, you’re the one being anti-semitic here, because you assume that all Jews are equivalent to Israel, a state that arms neo-nazi groups in Ukraine.
Mr. Trump: Ilhan, your bigotry is unacceptable. Quite disgraceful how people call me the bigot. I don’t know why everybody is so mad about me trying to ban Muslims from coming here, I hate them!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright, folks, the Republican primary debate has come to an end. To all Republican voters, be sure to cast your vote for one of these two gentlemen next Tuesday in the Republican primary. Actually, wait, nevermind, boycott this primary. They’re both racist demagogues.
Mr. Pepperchicken: But I’m the bigger one!
[The TV shuts off.]